Hello all:

I'm so glad to have found this forum.

I had surgery as a child - now am a middle-aged adult and need to decide between a second surgery or getting a new prosthesis (partial) which a dentist broke. (Ok it was getting quite old anyhow.)

Any thoughts on deciding? Also, a big part of me is hesitant to have surgery. Yet, I've always looked at this as a hope - that I could look better if I did this. But now I think maybe I need to better accept the disfigurement I experience and get on with my life. Somehow, I'm not as good at this acceptance as I used to be.

It should be better w. age - but I'm gaining weight and it makes my face look more unsymetrical. Other issues too are making more self-conscious than normal. For example, I have to make presentations in graduate school and just have super stage fright due to my disfigurement - many people say it's not that bad but to me it is. I want to feel confident professionally, but can't with this self-consciousness.

Any thoughts / experiences that can help?
I probably could use some counseling on this, I realize, but I'm thinking you all may have some excellent things to say.

Thanks immensely.

Cathy V.

Hi Cathy,
Welcome. What sort of surgery did you have previously, and what are they considering now?

I am not in any way qualified to give you an opinion of what to do, or not to do. I find it revealing that you use the word "disfigurment" several times.

If you feel that way about your appearance from the original surgery, a second surgery may be a wise choice, especially if it resolves or eliminates the need for an appliance or prosthesis.

The surgery I underwent has left me with significant scars on my face, neck, arm and leg.
Cosmetically the scars on my face and neck might be marginally improved with additional surgery.

That said, I don't view myself as "disfigured"...I look at my face and see a roadmap of life experience. I don't find it necessarily attractive, I do view it to a degree as a badge of honor; I fought long and hard to be healthy, and the scars are proof of that.

You obviously have a different perception of the scarring, and that is entirely as it should be; we're different people. One thing that I have discovered is that other people care much less about the scars than I do.

The person inside is what's important, not the gift-wrap...I've been told that many times by the person I respect more than anyone else; my wife
Wayne

Cathy, we all have our own perception of reality and we view attractiveness differently. Age or maturity probably has something to do with it however, In my estimation, the emotional view we have of ourselves should be healthy enough so that we are not totally dependant on the physical changes which may be brought about by surgery for our own feeling of self worth. Back in my 20's I had surgery to remove a small bump on my nose but it was also to correct a deviated septum and the surgeon made sure I got counseling beforehand to make sure my feeling of self-worth was OK with or without the surgery. After the surgery many of my friends also said "it wasn't that bad" but of course, to me at the time, it was. Since my son's cancer surgery and the wonderful people I've met at the doctor's office and at the OCF site, I am much more appreciative and grateful for the inner beauty and soul of a person than I am for the outward appearances.

Wayne - I love what you said in your post. Your wife is certainly a very lucky woman to have such a beautiful man for a husband.

Cathy,

The disfigurement as you call it is probably not as noticable as you think it is.

For example, I had 1/3 of my tongue removed and a modified neck disection. The neck disection scar runs from about the middle of my ear set back an inch or so, down the neck and curves under the chin almost to the middle of the throat area. I used to notice it everyday. Not anymore. I just started a new job and not a single person has noticed my scar until I tell them I am a cancer survivor and point out the scar. They are amazed.

Do what you need to do to regain confidence, but just know that the scars do not define who you are.

Take Care,
Jim

Hi Cathy and welcome. I had surgery to remove half of my lower jawbone, a neck disection, etc. Over the past four years, the radiation damage and nerve damage from the surgery have continued to cause changes to the area of my mouth and my bottom lip. I don't look like my old self and I know that. I did a few surgeries to improve the appearance but it took so much time and energy from me and my family, seemed we were always caught up in "moms having surgery" and I hated that. I've been blessed with fantastic genes and grew to adulthood with the confidence that comes with being quite attractive. When I started noticing the changes to my looks it upset me, made me feel less confident, etc. Thus the surgeries. I could have more surgery and do more improvements but I've opted not to. My bottom line is this, I'm alive and I'm ok with my looks. Now, with that said, it may be easier for me as I never got much into the looks thing.......I'm outdoorsy, jeans, sweatpants, no makeup. It may be harder for women with different personality's, I'm not sure. I just know that every day I can look at my face in the mirror is another day I am here on earth, with my husband and family. Who could ask for or want more then that? Sure I see some take a double look in the grocery store, my bottom lip does droop a little and the left side of my face is stiff. I've found if I look these people right in the eye, they will smile back at me and I smile at them. I've also found that people are not put off by the damage to my mouth, they are curious about it. And also know that it looks FAR worse to YOU then it does to others. We are most critical of ourselves.

Minniea, You are my hero, What a fantastic outlook you have.
Always,
Mark.

Minnie, you are my hero, too!
Here's my two cents worth on the looks issue, I know that I do not look like my old self, but alas, I am also quickly approaching age 50. The surgery on my tongue, neck dissection and radiation definitely changed the look of my face. When I look at pre cancer pictures of myself, I really see it. BUT, the good news...I am still here and very happy about it! My husband says to me (when I mention the way I look now), "hey, I am going bald, we all change"!!!!!SMILE!!!!!!!!!

Cathy...If you are in grad. school, I presume that you are fairly young. I would suggest that if this bothers you this much, you owe it to yourself to explore it some more. Don't pass up an opportunity to do it now and regret it later. Later, you might have other responsibilities, such as children, or an aging parent, that will prevent your being able to get this surgery. Go to a counselor for several sessions, see an appropriate surgeon and see what would be involved and what the chances are for significant improvement, and then, if you think you will feel better and function better, GO FOR IT. I, too, have a decision to make about further surgery, and I, too, am a public person..presenter/teacher/singer. The big difference is that, at age 63, I have a different set of considerations.

Make no apologies for wanting to explore this. My policy is to Live Strong, as Lance Armstrong's program says....Do not let this monstrous disease take more from you than necessary. And if it is taking your confidence, and you can do something reasonable about it, then you deserve to make that choice. Keep us posted. Good luck with your decision.

Thanks all. I'm 43, and have lived with this most of my life (through teens, etc., which - unfortunately, is when it became more noticable). I suppose that gives one a different outlook. I was too young to remember the fear, fight or relief.

No offense using the word 'disfigurement' - I guess I don't know of another word to use.

I'm a single female too - so I think that makes it a little harder in some ways (being looks conscious). People tend to ask me about it now and then as well, even in job interviews, so it's been enough to make me wonder.

It's funny because - like I said - I usually was pretty good about dealing with it. I know I've alot to be greatful for, and find you all very inspiring as well. Thanks for your input.

Cathy

Cathy..I just re-read your first posting, and I see that you wear a prosthesis. I do also, made necessary by a maxillectomy and partial palatectomy. I could have reconstructive surgery, but I am doing quite well with the appliance. If I could snap my fingers, then of course I would love to have my mouth repaired, but I can't face another surgery right now.