My husband will begin therapy 2/20/07.
Chemo and radiation.
I know other people must be feeling what I'm going through.
I feel REALLY bad that I can't be with him every step of the way. I am continuing to work until he is unable to drive himself to therapy. He'll be having weekly chemo treatments also.
I just hate to see him have to go through this part alone. I know a lot of patients do, though.
How do I not feel so bad about this?
Thanks.

My wife managed to take some classes and get away from time to time and I had volunteer drivers lined up to drive me to therapy when she couldn't. She did go to most all of my treatments and doctor visits and was an excellent caregiver. You will be a great care giver too and take care of yourself as well. My wife lost her business and had to declare personal bankruptcy but recently was made manager of a nationwide day spa and is doing even better today than before the big "C".

The time when he will need you the most is; note taking at doctors appointments and after about 3 weeks of RT to about a month or so post Tx. In any case I didn't require 24 hour care.

Hilo,

On the patient side, I was a little relieved when I could do stuff without my wife. I interrupted her life so much as it was that it was a relief of my guilt when i could do stuff by myself. Frankly, chemo is just boring, mostly. My wife dropped me off and picked me up, but I was perfectly happy watching DVDs alone during the infusion.

Clint

Hilo,

My wife and employees and friends took turns driving me when I needed it but that was only about 4 weeks of trips. Sometimes I admit that I drove myself when I shouldn't but that's just me. My wife was able to work just about normal but owning her own business helped when I would call and say HELP. We only live 1 mile from our businesses and that helped as well. Believe me most of the time when he will feel his worse, he won't want to be around anybody and will sleep a lot.

The most important things you can do for him would be:
1. Go with him to every doc appt to help him remember what to ask and remember what was said.
2. Make sure he drinks his daily water and food, every day.
3. Watch his meds and help him keep track of all that stuff.
4. Give him soft love when he needs it AND tough love when he needs it.
5. Be his spokesperson when he is unable to do it himself.
6. Try not to let him see how this is affecting you. He knows it is but there is nothing he can do about it and that only adds to his emotional state.
7. Take time for yourself. Don't over do it. That won't help in the long run.

Remember it will get tough for both of you but probably for only 6 weeks or so.

Hilo, I was very lucky to have siblings help out. I enjoyed different people with me. When I was alone I sometimes would carry on conversations with other patients and drew a lot of inspiration from them.When there were appointments that were important I made sure my wife was with me. But for routine treatment appointments see if others will help out. Remember there are 2 people fighting this disaease and just like a marriage sometimes you need to be together and sometimes you need a little space. I am sure you will work it out and help each other. I also am sorry that you both have to face this terrible disease but glad you found this site to help you along the way.
Alwaysd, Mark.

You just have to to do the best you can. If you are spendng part of your time "keeping the home fires burning" at whatever level that means, you are doing your best. When my husband was in treatment 100 miles away, I was over there as much as possible - then home to take care of "home stuff" and try to earn enough money to pay for all the bills. As caregivers, we just have to do as much as we can on every front (okay, so it's a war!) and somehow be okay with our efforts.
I made a promise to my husband when I had to break the "cancer" news to him after his first biopsy that I would be with him every step of the way - much like your post. I feel that I made good on that promise but, at times, the promise was realized by doing all the things that needed to be done in all the other aspects of our lives.
This is new territory. Your good instincts will see you through.
Best,
Anita

Hilo,

My wife was with me most of the time, my brother also helped. Try to find someone else, friend or family that can help out. There is a lot of time spent just sitting especially during the chemo process. My wife would disappear to the hospital library to build a community jigsaw puzzle. She enjoyed that and I enjoyed talking to the other patients.

What I'm trying to say is you won't need to be there every moment anyway. After a couple of weeks of treatment I slept most of the day anyway and I know I wasn't very good company. I wanted my wife to get out and go do something. You are earning money I'm sure you all need.

Talk it over with your husband and let him know how you are feeling.

Tim

Hilo, I'll give a little more from the patients point of view. My wife says to me the exact things you posted. I opted to have my treatment 75 miles from home at a cancer center. I stay with a relative there and come home on weekends. My wife was already involved in the nursing program in college and we have a 19 month old baby boy so I really wanted her to be able to focus on those two things. She really has a plate full. I miss them but find comfort knowing that she is still moving toward her degree. I have the easy part and I feel guilty about that very often. For the most part, during the week I don't really feel up to much so being able to just rest is actually good. She really has trouble not being able to help me all the time but I think it would be much harder on me if she could. I love her very much but so far alot of the days I just want to be left alone. I don't know if this helps but caregivers give so much I always hate to see them doubting their efforts. I'll pray for you and your husband.

Hilo,

Here's another patient's perspective (you'll probably have a whole range of them here). As some of the other posters have mentioned, I felt it was really important for my husband to be able to keep working as much as possible and to pick up some of the household responsibilities that I couldn't keep up with. I was treated well before the Family Medical Leave Act came along, and frankly, it never occurred to me that he should come along on my (many) routine medical appointments. There were lots of them that would have involved plenty of downtime on his part, just sitting in waiting rooms and not learning anything new. I was still working, at least on a part time basis, and concerned about keeping my own job, and I certainly didn't want him jeopardizing his source of income as well by spending many hours of "sitting around" time that he would have had to compensate for by working well into the night later on.

What I needed most from him was emotional support, especially at the end of the day, and the push to keep up with my nutrition when I didn't want to eat or drink anything.

Cathy