I'm going to see my dad for the first time since his surgery a few weeks ago. My son (6) and I saw him right before, and this time my son and my husband are coming. I have all of these fears that keep coming up and I can't stop it.

What if my dad doesn't want us there? What if he doesn't want my husband there? What if he thinks we are staring at his mouth? What if he can't relax? Am I talking to much about his cancer? Or not enough? What if I get angry at the doctors? Am I going to try to take over his treatment? What if my husband can't handle it. (he lost his father a few years ago)

I can feel this pain in my chest kind of like heartburn. Wait, maybe it is more like when you fall out of a tree and can't breathe.

I feel guilty about any kind of fun ( I just took a trip with my husband and our 5 children) that I've had since my dad got sick. I don't want to show him the pictures of the trip because I think he'll feel bad ( or pissed off) that he was sick and we went to the beach. This f'ing stinks really bad. I feel like a jerk. Sorry
He is so strong and I'm a big f'ing wuss. I'm so upset. Sorry

Karen,

Please just try to be there with your dad and enjoy his company. My father went through a series of major illnesses and was hospitalized while I was getting biopsied. He never knew the extent of health issues I was having at that time. (He passed away just a few hours before I received my cancer diagnosis.) While he was having a rough go of it, he really just seemed to want to have his close family around to talk and help take his mind off of what he was going through.

If you have concerns about his care, you can try to address those to his doctors separately without alarming him.

Cathy

I second what Cathy said. The visitors that helped me the most when I was recovering from chemo/rad/surgery and, more recently, when I was recovering from the esophagus surgery, were the friends and family that just wanted to be with me because they enjoyed me. Somehow that just comes through loud and clear from someone else who loves you when you feel really lousy. They put no pressure on me to be a certain level of recovered, they just brought silly little gifts and flowers and sat by my bedside and told me stories about what they'd been doing lately. Unless you have good reason to believe your Dad will be pissed off you went on a trip when he was sick, I would definitely show him your pictures, as you normally would. Just try to follow his lead about what he wants from your visit.

I also agree with Cathy that if possible, you speak to his docs when he's not around.

Nelie

Show your dad the pictures of your trip. The summer I was doing radiation I had to miss my annual trip to Maine. We go every year, for about 2-3 weeks, and it's a time for me to be with my mom, brothers, sisters and all our kids. Boy did we miss it that summer. My mom talked about not having anyone come out of respect for me not being able to come. I put that to rest real quick and then waited each day for the mailman to come with the pictures they sent to me.
Do your father a favor and just treat him like you always have. He's going to need that.

Karen, it seems to me that the messages above are about treating your Dad like he is still among the living rather than the opposite. He is fighting to be here every day. Your job is to appreciate and encourage that. Amy

Hi,
Thank you for the input. I was extremely upset the other day getting ready for my trip. I know everything will be ok. I know he will be excited to see pictures- we talked everyday at 4 am from Honk Kong, Bangkok, wherever I was. Before the trip I went to see him, and he insisted that we carry on with our plans and come after to tell him all about it. It was making him think about when he went there when he was younger. I'm very worried about his jaw not healing properly. My aunt said the last visit that the doctor overseeing the proceedure told the doctor who did the surgery that he would have used a different kind of implant- not the titanium one. What? Shouldn't they have discussed that BEFORE she put the plate (that is now just rejecting) in? Time for a new doctor? We might go see a few.
On a better note my dad is starting to do some counseling and I'm bringing him a laptop. I hope that I can get him interested in the computer. He likes to read so I think it will be something he can get into. My aunt has a computer but he never goes on it. This one will be his- he has never had internet- and he can take it everywhere with him.
Well I just wanted to check in real fast to say hi and wish everbody well.

Yeah for your positive message:) Hope your Dad has a great time learning the laptop and internet. Also hope you have a wonderful trip. I was lucky enough to go to Bangkok and Hong Kong and Siagon in the 60's.It was a great experience. Got my fingers crossed for y'all that the jaw problem gets resolved. Amy