#33501 07-02-2004 05:06 AM | Joined: Jul 2003 Posts: 1,163 Patient Advocate (1000+ posts) | Patient Advocate (1000+ posts) Joined: Jul 2003 Posts: 1,163 | Hi Sweety,
It may take a short time before the anti-depressant meds take effect. They need to get the dosage right and you should start feeling a little better.
Gary said it better than anyone could. Please know we are here to offer support, share our experiences and we will bitch and complain also.
Have a Great Holiday Sweety,
Dan
Daniel Bogan DX 7/16/03 Right tonsil,SCC T4NOMO. right side neck disection, IMRT Radiation x 33.
Recurrance in June 05 in right tonsil area. Now receiving palliative chemo (Erbitux) starting 3/9/06
Our good friend and loved member of the forum has passed away RIP Dannyboy 7-16-2006
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#33502 07-02-2004 05:41 AM | Joined: Dec 2003 Posts: 2,606 Likes: 2 Patient Advocate (old timer, 2000 posts) | Patient Advocate (old timer, 2000 posts) Joined: Dec 2003 Posts: 2,606 Likes: 2 | Sweety,
I remember at one point during treatment I was walking to use the bathroom and peered over towards the mirror. I was shocked that I didn't even recognize myself. From then on I used to hurry past the mirror and my wife kept asking why I was in such a hurry. She even started calling me Jar Jar Binks. My hair looked like a baby bird, thin and stringy looking. I had lost about 40 lbs then, soon to be 70. I couldn't eat, couldn't drink water without choking, couldn't move the bowels from the narcotics, was mean to everyone.
You are right, when you make it through the treatment...you can make it through just about anything in life.
Ed
SCC Stage IV, BOT, T2N2bM0 Cisplatin/5FU x 3, 40 days radiation Diagnosis 07/21/03 tx completed 10/08/03 Post Radiation Lower Motor Neuron Syndrome 3/08. Cervical Spinal Stenosis 01/11 Cervical Myelitis 09/12 Thoracic Paraplegia 10/12 Dysautonomia 11/12 Hospice care 09/12-01/13. COPD 01/14 Intermittent CHF 6/15 Feeding tube NPO 03/16 VFI 12/2016 ORN 12/2017 Cardiac Event 06/2018 Bilateral VFI 01/2021 Thoracotomy Bilobectomy 01/2022 Bilateral VFI 05/2022 Total Laryngectomy 01/2023
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#33503 07-02-2004 06:49 AM | Joined: Nov 2002 Posts: 3,552 Patient Advocate (old timer, 2000 posts) | Patient Advocate (old timer, 2000 posts) Joined: Nov 2002 Posts: 3,552 | I was in the exact same place as Ed! I lost over 60 lbs - got down to 109 which I haven't weighed since grammar school. It was creepy looking in the mirror - I was a dead ringer for a nazi death camp survivor.
I've put about 35 back on. My wife likes the new svelte look!
By the way, I always looked forward to the weekends when there was a break from radiation. Have a great 4th.
Gary Allsebrook *********************************** Dx 11/22/02, SCC, 6 x 3 cm Polypoid tumor, rt tonsil, Stage III/IVA, T3N0M0 G1/2 Tx 1/28/03 - 3/19/03, Cisplatin ct x2, IMRT, bilateral, with boost, x35(69.96Gy) ________________________________________________________ "You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes" (James 4:14 NIV)
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#33504 07-02-2004 09:41 AM | Joined: Apr 2004 Posts: 482 "Above & Beyond" Member (300+ posts) | "Above & Beyond" Member (300+ posts) Joined: Apr 2004 Posts: 482 | Sweety, I'm sorry to hear you are feeling so down. Know the feeling as my wife earned Sainthood for sticking with me through all this, and we aren't even Catholic. I can't imagine having this horror occur twice, but I can offer something that helped me get through mine. When I was feeling the worst, most scared, most hurting, I just prayed to God to be with me, take the trouble away, and I turned it over to Him. That gave me the consolation I needed to make it past that moment and into the next, and next, and so on. Hang in there. We are all in your corner and available to be a crying towel when needed.
Regards, Kirk Georgia Stage IV, T1N2aM0, right tonsil primary, Tonsilectomy 11/03, 35 rad/3cisplatin chemo, right neck dissection 1/04 - 5/04.
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#33505 07-02-2004 11:50 AM | Joined: Apr 2004 Posts: 146 Gold Member (100+ posts) | Gold Member (100+ posts) Joined: Apr 2004 Posts: 146 | Hi Sweety,
I hope you're feeling a bit better today. I know how you're feeling - that feeling of hopelessness. I'm almost a year out from Dx and on bad days I still feel hopelessly angry, sad, depressed, frustrated, scared - you name it, I've felt it. I wish, at times, that I had had someone to lash out to if only to make me feel better at the moment. Nine days after my diagnosis my husband of almost 23 years passed away suddenly and I was left a widow at the age of 45 and dealing with cancer. I was so mad at him for leaving me when I needed him most especially since I was there the many, many times he was hospitalized during our 23 years and now he wasn't there for me. BUT, I do have really good days too when I feel a little less scared, angry, sad, etc. I only wish I had found this forum from the beginning of this painful journey so I'm glad you were able to find us. This is a caring group with a lot of first-hand knowledge of what we all are going through. I hope the doctor was able to give you something to help "cheer" you up (so to speak). I've been taking risperdal and it helps to keep me from falling apart.
Hang in there - there are good times ahead - just be patient with yourself and try to be patient with those around you. Not easy - but doable. And if you need to scream and cry, do it - it usually makes me feel a little better and helps to release the stress and tension.
Prayers coming your way, Nancy
Stage IV oral cancer (tongue), T3N2, total glossectomy with right and left modified neck dissection 7/03, rad /chemo ended 11/03
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#33506 07-03-2004 06:18 AM | Joined: Sep 2003 Posts: 1,244 Patient Advocate (1000+ posts) | Patient Advocate (1000+ posts) Joined: Sep 2003 Posts: 1,244 | Well Nancy Like you I want to lash out... I want to shout this is not fair, this only happens to other people not ME.. I have Lupus as well and depression is a feature of that during a flare.. and stress causes a flare.. and cancer causes stress.. so I take prozac and hope that will be enough..My husband is blind and I find myself wishing it was different.. I want to be cared for...not the care giver.. Life is not like that is it?... like you I wish I had found this site earlier.. this is my family of care givers.. no questions asked just 100% backing when I need it.. So to you all THANK YOU Sunshine... love and hugs Helen
SCC Base of tongue, (TISN0M0) laser surgery, 10/01 and 05/03 no clear margins. Radial free flap graft to tonsil pillar, partial glossectomy, left neck dissection 08/04
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#33507 07-03-2004 10:28 AM | Joined: Jun 2004 Posts: 106 Senior Member (100+ posts) | Senior Member (100+ posts) Joined: Jun 2004 Posts: 106 | Yeah, The first time I talked with my oncologist, he asked me if I was a strong person, because only a strong person person could go through what I was going to have to endure. I told him i didn't know, I had never lived through anything worse than childbirth. But what I felt like saying was - So, do I have a choice??? It is so unfair, is it a wonder we go berserk? I am a healthy person, I always climb the stairs instead of the elevator and I eat bran flakes and vegetables and people in my family live to be ninety or more and climb mountains at eighty. So at fifty I am not supposed to be crawling around the house too tired to take the dog for a walk, or to pick up the tissues I drop wherever I go. Or to have the fiftieth birthday party my children had planned. Or to taste the cake, if they had baked one. But we don't have a choice. We just have to hope that the people who love us do understand. Actually my husband said, sometimes he is almost relieved when I do get angry, it is better than the quiet depression I went through in the past couple of weeks. Thanks, Gary, for the good words. Leena
scc right tonsil T1N1M0, right tonsillectomy + modified neck dissection 3/04, radiation IMRT both sides X33 ended 6/04. Also had renal cell carcinoma, left kidney removed 11/04
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#33508 07-07-2004 12:34 PM | Joined: Apr 2004 Posts: 156 Gold Member (100+ posts) | Gold Member (100+ posts) Joined: Apr 2004 Posts: 156 | Sweety,
I disappeared from the message board early last month and only returned on recently. I went into a funk, which you described to a T in your last two posts. You feel like you have to be "strong" because everyone around you is saying "your spirits are so high", "I couldn't do what you're doing, you're amazing", "you're the strongest person I know" yadda, yadda, yadda. I was ready to strangle the next person that said it to me.
Everyone has their weak moments going through this, and when it hit, I felt like I was letting everyone around me down. I didn't feel like the strong, high spirited, funny one anymore so I hid. Just remembering these feelings is brining me to tears now. At least you were able to reach out here. These are wonderful people that will take care of you in the good times and bad.
What I'm trying to say is it's okay to be down. It's okay to visualize belting the next person that says "stay strong" or "keep your eye on the prize".
I chose a non-related third party to vent my frustrations. Though i don't know if it will help, I posted my email to him below. Maybe it'll make you feel better knowing you're not the only person feeling this way, but please skip it if it doesn't help!! ********start of email*********** Yes, the last of the bad treatments are over. I can | | |
#33509 07-07-2004 05:46 PM | Joined: Sep 2003 Posts: 1,244 Patient Advocate (1000+ posts) | Patient Advocate (1000+ posts) Joined: Sep 2003 Posts: 1,244 | Hi Sabrina Thanks so much for sharing that with us. I can relate to the feelings of desponancy.. but you are much more articulate than me.. just glad to know you are emerging from the darkness, stay in the light.. Sunshine.. love and hugs Helen
SCC Base of tongue, (TISN0M0) laser surgery, 10/01 and 05/03 no clear margins. Radial free flap graft to tonsil pillar, partial glossectomy, left neck dissection 08/04
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#33510 07-07-2004 06:25 PM | Joined: Oct 2016 Posts: 284 Gold Member (200+ posts) | Gold Member (200+ posts) Joined: Oct 2016 Posts: 284 | Sweety & Sabrina,
I watched my beautiful mother who was always always smiling and was always complemented on how good she looked for her age (56) turn into an unhappy much older looking very thin and frail very saggy skinned person practically overnight. She too suffered what you both went through and I know as somebody who hasn't been where you are that it truly sucked worse for her than anything she'd ever experienced before or expected.
She is finally starting to smile more and slowly turning into the person she once was. She is 4 months post radiation and chemo and everyday she feels just a little bit more like her old self. I kept saying I just wish we could fast forward through the bad stuff and now the bad stuff is over.
Sabrina we've missed you. I was getting worried about you and I am so happy to see that you are back. Sometimes even the toughest people need to let down their guard and I'm glad to see that you are doing well.
Love, Dani
Originally joined OCF on 12/12/03 as DaniO or Danijams Dani-Mom SCC BOT & floor of mouth surgery-recur then surgery/rads & chemo completed 3/04 surgery 11/06 to remove dead bone & replace jaw w/ leg bone & titanium plate
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