Hello All,
I haven't been on the site much anymore.I can't seem to find the time.There is something I do need help with.Some of you are know my situation with my father in law Joe.The last 2 weeks have been horrible.He has been in such a state of depression and he can't shake it.He refuses to eat or shower.He stays in his room and will no longer eat or socialize with the family.He quit smoking 25 years ago and has started again.I don't mean casually either,he is smoking 2 packs a day easy.I talked to his doctors and they want him to talk to someone but he refuses.His daily mantra is "I'm going to die no matter I do".I'm having a harder time dealing with this than his illness.My children are crushed.He was spending alot of time with them and now he is just angry all the time.Did anyone go through this?How can I help him.I've to tried to talk to him many times and he tunes me out!!Please help!!


All the best,
Patty

Hi Patty.
This is very sad. He could choose to be a role model to the family on death with dignity but he has chosen a much more selfish path. Of course it's easy to attempt to second guess what must be going through his mind. He must be very frightened and helpless and this is how it's manifesting itself. Myabe this is the role model his father gave him.

Maybe you need to try an intervention with a clergy, other cancer victim, or even close friend. It sounds like he could be greiving his former life; confusion, bargaining, anger, depression, and finally acceptance, are all components of the 5 stages of grief. They don't alway occur in order and sometimes occur simultaneously.

If it's a non smoking houshold I would be setting some appropriate boundaries.

Hi Patti,
I have thought about how I might act if I am faced with dying from this in the near future. In all honesty, I could think about it for 24 hours straight and still not be able to predict how I would act. I can GUESS that I might want to be left alone, that is my way when I am scared, etc. I can GUESS that I might try to distance myself from the people I love and the people that love me so that my death will be easier on them. I can GUESS that I might take up a habit that I enjoy (such as smoking) since I know I'm going to die regardless and that habit relieves some of my overwhelming stress. I can also GUESS that I would be severely depressed. Now, all this is guessing and in reality I might not do any of this. When I read your post I could understand, in a sense, some of Joe's behavior. It must be difficult, at such a frightening time, to put others feelings ahead of how you are feeling. In your shoes I would be there when he needed me, talk to him as much as I could, and try to understand that he is doing what HE needs to do to get through such a terrifying ordeal. I hope that he eventually comes to terms with the fact that he is dying and that he opens up again to you and his family. If he doesn't, I hope you can understand that he handled it the way he knew how.

Dear Oatty,

I an truly sorry you have to endure Joe's attitude. I went through most of the emotions Gary mentioned. It takes some more time than others. I have no anger towards anyone. I say, I Love You to my wife and adult children everytime we end a phone call etc. I will control what I can but "What Will Be, Will Be"

I have adopted Brian's goal of getting Oral Cancer as well known as breast, prostate and lung cancer. Early detection is the key!!!If I can prevent one person from getting this hidieous diease I will. I intend to have an impact on getting the word out in and around Wisconsin.

I'm sure that Joe doesn't mean to hurt you and your family. He seems like he needs to talk with someone who can break that barrier he has up. I'll bet it's pretty thin.

My thoughts and prayers are with you, Dan

Patty, also sorry to hear about Joes mental turn for the worse. Like Gary mentioned can be part of the grief process I suspect.

One other thing that comes to mind though, is Joe taking any medication at this point? At one time my first wife was on steriods to help the radiation shrink the brain tumour. Doctors warned of "steroid rage," boy were they right. Caused a complete change of personality. Suspect other medications that might be used could have similar effects.

Anyway, I can't say for certain that I wouldn't react the same way myself if I were in the same situation. I'd like to believe I would carry on with dignity, but until the time comes, just don't really know.

Take care
Bob

Hi, I agree with Minniea's post. Till you walk in someone else's shoes you do not know how you will react.During some of my problems the hardest thing I had to deal with was peoples pity. I can take anything but not someone looking at me with pity. Joe has been a strong male figure in the family and To be put in this situation could be causeing some of the problem.

Thank you all for your responses.He does seem to be extremely angry and frustrated.He worked two jobs before the cancer and he was always on the go.Once he was unable to work anymore everything came crashing down on him in a hurry.He could no longer keep up with his car note so it was repossessed(sp?).The credit cards have also been hounding him.I believe he has lost his dignity along with his health.As for what Gary said about being a role model,his father died of lung cancer 20 years ago when he was about the same age Joe is now.The same things happened to him,and his father died many thousands of dollars in debt because of his illness.I think Joe feels that his life is mirroring his fathers.He puts a great deal of emphasis on not having the means to keep up with his obligations.We have talked to all of his creditors and even had the doctors write a letter.They could really care less.I tell him to ignore them but everyday it just compounds.Does anyone have any experience with dealing with creditors in this situation????He has an appointment with his oncologist tomorrow and I will bring up the subject of some kind of medication to help him.(Thanks Bob).I will let you all know how is doing.


Patty

In my opinion, spending ones last quality time worrying about money is a waste. If I were him I would let the creditors do what ever. Part of the risk of being a creditor is that these situations happen. Don't worry about the credit companies. Check with a competent attorney in your state and find out what the limits a credit company has then tell him not to worry about it anymore.

Thank you Mark for your kind words.I will pass it along to Joe.

You are welcome Patty! I'll add to what I posted: It is posible that he is worried about the financial difficulties affecting you and other family. This is why I would get legal advice to protect what assets he has and to get the creditors off his back. The laws vary from state to state. I have heard that, in many states, death is similar to bankruptcy in how assets or debits are handled. Joe should have a will or at least a plan for this.

You (and other family) should be careful not to promise to any of his creditors (including medical) that you will take care of his debits or to co-sign anything.

GET THEE TO AN ATTORNEY!