Dear all,

As you know, I've been fighting Dennis and his drinking since diagnosis. Instead of things getting better, they have continued to get worse. Well, I'm still trying to figure out my legal rights when it comes to getting him help, but today I thought all of this emotional overload would end. There I go thinking again.

I called his doctor and had a copy of his PET scan results taken on Friday faxed to the house. Imagine my celebration when everything came back clean!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NO CANCER!!! This from a man drinking close to a case of beer a day and smoking two to three packs of cigarettes also.

I ran around humming, cleaning the house (lord knows it needed it) and planned a nice dinner. When Dennis came in, I was napping. I didn't sleep at all last night, because the results were laying on my mind. Anyway, I follow him to the garage once I wake up, and after getting the boys busy with chores for a few minutes, asked him, "If there was any news I could give you right now that would give you the strength to stop getting drunk daily, what would it be?" He said, "I don't know". I gave him the report, and waited on pins and needles while he read it. When done, he casually tossed it on his work bench, looked and me and repeated, "I don't know."

My whole world collapsed. How in the hell can somebody go through the stuff that he has, and still not be positive over a negative report??????????? I'm so mad....and hurt.....and depressed.........and MAD right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I fumed, and to piss me off further, began to cry. He looked at me like I was from another planet! He asked me what I wanted him to do! After explaining for the millionth time that all I want is a normal life where he doesn't drink himself into oblivion every night, I was met by the same old face. One that says, ok you've said your piece, now leave me alone, or I'll make life hell.

I came in the house crying. My boys wanted to know what was going on, and I told them to ask their father. They both looked at me as to say "yeah, right!" and walked away. Later, Coley wanted to know if we could spend the night at a motel, because he was expecting a blow-out.

I'm so tired guys. I've been with this man for 16 years. We've been separated twice over the drinking, but the last one really turned him around until the dx of cancer. Since then, it is a constant pity-party. One I was never allowed to wallow in, or I was called "weak.....neurotic....etc".

I'm so washed up with this. What would you do?

I told him that there were people on this site who would gladly give up an arm, leg, lung, kidney.........anything!....just to get the results that he has. It washed over him like I had said nothing.

I think of Packer at a time like this. Bless him, he has been through so much more, but always stays upbeat and optomistic. I just want to pound the shit out of my husband!!!!!!!!!

Mandi

I know how you feel. My husband was diagnosed with SCC of the soft palate on 11/20/01, since then he has had surgery 3 times and two rounds of radiation.
He currently drinks about 12-15 beers a day and smokes two packs of cigars a day! He refuses to see what this is doing to his body.
He has an appointment with his ENT on 12/17 to discuss his options since this last round of radiation did not work the way they had hoped.

Dear Mandi,
I have said this before but until you get to an Alanon meeting you will never understand the disease of alcoholism. Your husband has it. I am so sorry for what you are going through but no tantrums or tears are going to change him. You are just making yourself miserable.....for nothing. It is a DISEASE and you can't cure it!
I'm sorry, Mandi, but that is the way it is.
God Bless,
Judy U
Am delighted about the scan results tho!

Judy,
I want to understand the power of Alanon, but several people that I've talked to say that their main purpose of the program is to ignore the afflicted.
Belive me! I've ignored, belittled, plead, cried, bribed and anything else you can think of to change this man.
If your program is different, then PLEASE let me know.
Mandi

Hi Mandi,

The following words need a disclaimer: I have never had to deal with an alcoholic family member. I have little experience counciling couples with serious marriage problems. I Do not claim to know exactly what you should do.

With the disclaimer written I ask myself what am I writing for.....I am not sure. I had to. I want to help. Here goes.

The only person we can change is ourselves and perhaps our children to some extent. Once anybody is past a certain age (this is probably variable) then the ONLY person that can cause change is themself. From what you have described, I see a man that is fighting his own demons, using his drug of choice to escape and in my personal opinion needs outside professional help if he is going to make it.

You pretty clearly and rightfully are frustrated and that is a waste of time (something we all know is too valuable to waste.) I really hate suggesting this but it is the only thing that makes sense to me and that is for you to physically step away from the situation for enough time to figure out the long term solution. I say I hate suggesting that for all kinds of reasons. Marriage is a mighty important thing and I do not advocate breaking them up. On the other hand clearly there are marriages that aren't working.

You have gone from wife to scared wife to caregiver, to babysitter and at the same time raise your kids. Now you have to be therapist and rehab counsellor too? Nope your plate is full in fact if you are not careful your plate is going to crack.

He isn't helping. Something major will probably have to happen before he'll get back in gear. I'm not able to help him, and I don't know if I am helping you. BUT Be very sure that I am really concerned for the kids.

I wish it would get better soon.

Hi Mandy,

We've corresponded before, I had hesitated to say what Mark just stated above...But...Having had been through the alcoholism, crazyness that my ex wife had become, trying to get counseling for her, and finally winding up in counseling myself, I found the only solution was to put an end to a bad situation and separate myself from her and her destructive habits. Especially when I realized she was still merrily drinking herself into oblivion every day, writing on the walls and insisting she was normal and that I was the one with the problem. And I was the one seeing a shrink on how to cope with her and "understand her state of mind"? Excuse me? What was wrong with that picture.

"Leave me alone or I'll make life Hell?" Sounds like it's already there pretty much. Maybe in his mind, his life hasn't hit bottom far enough to make him change. But it sounds like you're about at the bottom. When the kids want to stay at a motel, maybe it's a sign that it is time to change locations. I know it's a tough decision to make, made even worse by the fact he's gone through the cancer wringer. But that does not give him any right to put you and your family through what you are going through. At the end of the day, you have to honor your health, your mental sanity and your kids' health and mental sanity. If Dennis hadn't gotten treatment for the cancer, it would have killed him. If he's not going to get treatment for his alcoholism, he needs to understand there's consequences to that also. If he doesn't believe the consequences are bad enough to quit drinking, then that should be his problem, not yours.

Ex had plenty of warning, gave her many opportunites to change. In the end, she's still drinking her gallon of vodka a day, smoking her 4 packs of smokes, acting crazy. I've since re-married to a wonderful woman, started a new life. But I kept the life insurance on her - - given her current habits, even though I've statistically only got a 50/50 chance of surviving the next 5 years, I give my self better odds at longevity than I give her.

Step back, look at your posts and notes as though you hadn't written them, and ask yourself "what would you advise this person."

Somehow, I don't think your advise would be to stay the course and keep dealing with it like you are.

Mandi take care of yourself.
Bob

Hi Mandi,
no support group is foolproof and they are full of humans trying to do the best they can and be helpful, much like this group. What gives us a source of strength and a connection to our higher power is the power of the community in the group. You will find that at Alanon. You may find that one person or persons that God will speak to you through them on what to do.

In the counseling and boudaries classes I have taken, geographical distance is oftentimes required to resolve these kinds of severe problems.

Paul O., in the Big Book, stated that "..your level of serenity is inversely proportional to your level of expectations".

For your children to suggest staying at a motel is a very powerful thing. Heed them. Children often see things far more clearly than we adults. They are far less jaded and don't rationalize things the way that we do.

The definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over and expect a different outcome. That is applicable to both of you.

You may wish to start your journey with the Serenity Prayer:

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference."

This means that you can't change your husband and all you can change is yourself.

When you go to Alanon remember that you want to look for the similarities, not the differences, in the stories you hear. Do not take other peoples inventory. You are going there for you, not them.

AT this point in time you may have to "let go and let God"...

Hello Michelle,

After reading all the responses to your original post I don't know how to say what I want to say!!

You, Shane and Cole deserve to be treated like the decent people you are. I don't believe anything you do short of leaving him will wake him up. I have been married 32 years to a wonderful woman and I can't fathom treating her or my kids the way Dennis is treating you and his boys. Remember you are a very strong woman!!! If you keep letting him beat you down I'm afraid of
what it will do to you long term. I am just an ordinary guy who has been watching this go on for far to long. It's your decision and I will respect whatever decision you make. It kills me to see you and your boys suffer like you are!!!

You have helped me through my journey more than anyone else. I love you for that. Step back and take a good look at what your going thru. Is it worth it? You deserve nothing but the best!!!!

Love Ya, Danny Boy

Dear Mandi,
You are getting a lot of good advice here. I agree that some physical separation might be the only solution. I am still backing Alanon......reread what Gary had to say.....I start each day with the Serenity Prayer and somedays I start each HOUR with it!
I hate to see your marriage fall apart but it's time to put you and the boys first.
God bless you and we love you,
Judy U

Mandy.

You can change no one but yourself.

Get yourself and kids to the next available meeting, find yourself a sponsor, and take one day at a time.

Instead of worrying about Denny, worry about your kids and the impact this will have on their lives. Maybe it is too late for Denny; it certainly is not too late for your children. OR YOU.

Only you can make the change. Nobody else.

Harsh words? Maybe. But heartfelt too. You know what needs to be done, now go do it!!

Wishing you the best.

Sincerely,
Donna