Hi,When I was told my Cancer was Stage IV I chose to ignore it. I felt no matter how it came down I was going to beat it and do all I could to get myself up and going again. My husband knew but we never talked about it because he was like me, I could beat it.I think if you think positive it gives you an extra boost up. Well recently I was with my sister who was talking about her friend who has Cancer and she said it is Stage IV which is really bad, and I said I had stage IV. She nearly drove the car off the road. Few weeks later my son was talking about a book he was thinking of publishing about a young woman who had Stage IV Cancer. Once again I said , my cancer was Stage IV. He looked at me like he did not believe me, then he got upset. To me Cancer was enough , the stage was not important. The first time I came on the forum Brian Hill was the only one who signed with a Stage, stage 3, I saw that and said to myself see there he is one stage above me and still up and kicking ,I can do it too.What I am trying to say here since we have so many new people do any of you have any suggestions on how and what you told your family? I guess I had too many holes in my story.

Actually depending on whose scale you use I was a late stage three or a stage four. Bilateral cervical mets automatically put you in the 4 group, but some docs were calling me a three.... Call me whatever you want, just get this damn thing out of me!! was all that was on my mind at the time. Needless to say, 3's and 4's have a tougher road to travel. But as I am witness to, and so are you, a high staging isn't always a death sentence, and I have a wonderful and fruitful life now. Because of OCF and the people that I come in contact with through it, it is perhaps more fulfilling than my life before cancer and the dire, (and untrue) predictions of my immanent demise.

The American public as a whole generally think of cancers as a terminal disease. While it indeed takes a great number of lives each year, many more survive it to go on for quite some time. Stage four oral cancer, without distant mets is much more survivable than stage four cancers that involve a vital organ such as the pancreas for instance. But statistics as we all know can be beaten and against the odds here we find ourselves. As a person with little extended family, and parents who passed on long ago, I only had to deal with things with my friends and wife. I saw little need to protect anyone from the knowledge that I was significantly sick... Hell, I wanted their help and they needed to know how bad that need was. I don't know how I could have done it without them. My inner strength alone was not enough. Those that love us want to know the facts and the truth. They WANT to help, and we usually need that help. I am not one who favors hiding the truth from our loved ones. If my days are numbered I want them to know that, so that we can be together that last time and say all that unspoken stuff that we really should have been telling them all along, and letting them have the same chance with us. Will it stress those close to you to know that you are gravely ill? Of course. But we cannot shelter them from the facts of human existence. Emotional and physical pain will find them one way or another at some point in their lives. I'd rather they experienced that with me so that we can each learn about it together. Shared fear and pain opens us up to each other in unique ways. I wouldn't want to miss that part of life or the bond that forms from sharing it.

My suggestion is you tell all to your family, and tell all to your friends as soon as you find out.

Reality check 001, Cancer is sometimes fatal.
Reality check 002, Cancer is sometimes cured.
Reality check 003, you cannot know which one you get.
Reality check 004, the above is true for stage 1, 2, 3, 4, and even true for those that have not yet recieved a diagnosis.

Regardless of your stage, you have nothing to loose by telling anyone and much to gain. The people whom hear about your diagnosis cannot do any harm and those whom do hear can do considerable good.

Being a stage 4 cancer fighter, I totally agree with what Brian and Mark said. I lost two friends with stage 4 stomach cancer, who were diagnosed at more or less the same time as me. Comparatively oral cancer at an advanced stage can be more curable and that explains why I am still here working full time, going swimming every day after work, sightseeing on weekends... I will not choose to hide my illness from anybody because having cancer is not my fault but I will not break the news to everybody I know. Those who are close to me know what has happened to me naturally and will give me support and encouragement which can be essential during the life battle. This illness has trained me to be more mature, at least not being bothered by how others look at me.

Karen stage 4 tonsil cancer diagnosed in 9/01.

We've recently had an interesting experience in the "telling people" category. The fire department put on a big benefit for my husband (long time volunteer firefighter/EMT) and it was heavily advertised in the newspaper and on the radio. Suddenly, EVERYBODY in the community knew about his cancer. At first I felt really uncomfortable with the loss of privacy, but then I (and my husband, too) really felt comforted with the huge outpouring of support. We had kept the whole thing fairly private during his diagnosis and treatment. There were times, in the previous few months, when I felt all alone in dealing with the trauma of the whole thing...especially in the middle of the night...or up at 4 am to administer IV antibiotics...that kind of thing. So having people I hardly know say things like "We're all pulling for him" in the hardware store is a very good feeling.

Anita

P.S. The benefit was a big success, as well as being a fun town party!

I have told my family and closest friends (those who will be right there with me.) I still don't have a great deal of information on what is going on with myself but with the information I have read here I was able to answer thier questions.

The hardest moment at that time for me wasn't even hearing the words: "you have cancer" it was having my mom ask me "are you going to die?" I of course immediately said no but at the time I wasn't so sure myself. I have since then come to the conclusion that I am not going to die, I am going to have a rough road in the immediate future which I can deal with. So I'm still looking both ways before crossing the street :-)

I also spent a good bit of time with each person I told answering whatever questions the had that I could. LOL, at the time it seemed that I was the one offering all the support.

I am also in a bit of a different position than many here. As a priest I am a public person. I struggled for some time trying to decide what to say and when to say it to the people of my parish. I think I made the decission to tell them at the right time (well myhand was forced really) because the rumors had only just started and most had not heard them yet. I guess I couldn't be going for tests and seeing doctors so regualarly without something getting out.

I have to admit it was a bizarre experience. There I was telling everyone I have cancer and making them laugh while doing it. I gave them just the basics of what was going on and told them I would keep them informed.

Peace,

Fr. Mike

I wasn't sure, and still am not sure, who to tell about my mom's cancer. It's stage 4, and honestly it took a few days before I could even utter the words. My parents are divorced and have not remarried. I struggled with whether or not I should tell my dad. However,I believe that regardless of their differences, he still has feelings for my mom. But, he's 74 and a drinker so I was afraid that he may spiral out of control. On the other hand, I thought he should know and, not to sound selfish, but he may be able to help me get through this as my siblings don't offer much support. Perhaps it's their way of dealing with things, plus my sister has her own medical problems she has indicated may include cancer. When it rains it pours. In any event, several weeks ago I told my dad about my mom's condition. I'm glad I did. I think he's thankful that he knows. He's been a great support for me. Every time we talk he asks how things are coming along, makes suggestions, etc. This has provided me with a lot of comfort. I, however, haven't told my grandmother (she's 91 and the mother of my mom).
That's something that my mom doesn't wish to do. In fact, at first, my mom was upset that I told my dad. After I explained to her my reasons, and asking her if she wouldn't want to know if the tables were turned, she understood. As a family member of someone with cancer, I have found telling certain people what's going on to be very helpful. Its been very therapeutic for me.