Petey,
please - you've got to stop the pity party and call your sponsor. And what do you mean that you have no caregiver? What about your wife?

Nobody said sobriety was easy - especially the first year and even more so because you have cancer. KEEP GOING TO MEETINGS, READ THE BIG BOOK, TALK TO YOUR SPONSOR. READ the second paragraph on page 417 (4th edition - p. 449 if you have the 3rd edition).

Talk to your doctor about antidepressants. Quit being a wuss - you can do this! I'm the worlds biggest wuss and I did it - so can you.

Petey,

I have had two helluva couple of days at the hospital...and, my husband is in his 4th week of chemo radiation. I am exhausted, and yet I made the mistake of reading your post prior to going to bed and I woke up in the middle of the night angry as all get out.

Petey, you read and respond to virtually every post on this site. You know that some people aren't nearly as fortunate as you are...some people do not have a choice of living or dying. Some people do die.

Right now, you are being treated at a top medical site because you bolstered up the courage and action to make that happen...and, at no charge. I would say that makes you one very capable, intelligent and fortunate guy.

And, your doctor's aren't trying to talk you into hospice...they are treating you as though you are treatable.

You have got to stop wavering, stop feeling sorry for yourself.

So, you make your own soup...big deal...order some Carnation VHC and they'll deliver it to your door and you won't have to even heat it up.

You need to continue on the path of the amazing man who got himself a top-notch, no-cost medical team.

Make the decision to fight this cancer and stay the course. Once you get through these treatments, you will have a chance to make amends and/or change how you show up in people's lives.

The one thing that is pretty certain is there is a big chance you will get knocked on your ass when you least expect it during treatments.

I don't know of many people who made it through their entire treatment regime without a caregiver or someone to at least drive them to their appointments or pick up prescriptions. My husband thought he would be able to handle this himself, God had something else in mind.

Every day, I choose to sacrifice something big...that impacts my relationship with my children, my own business, my well being...to make sure that my husband gets through this.

I, as the caregiver, rely heavily on neighbors, family and friends on the homefront and at work...as I realized early on I can't do it all.

My view is that this is one short time frame in the grand scheme of life...and I will have a chance to focus on my kids, repair my biz...and, repay the many favors that have been generously sent my way.

If your family doesn't want to be your caregiver (or at the very least drivers and errand runners)...accept that and find someone or some people who will.

There will likely be a time when you are too fatigued from radiation or too medicated to drive safely and that will put you and potentially others on the road at risk.

You seem like a like-able guy, I am sure you have friends. Make sure you line people up as a backup to help you BEFORE you need the help.

And, if you don't have someone to help you track your calories, fluid and medication intake...then, while you are still early on in your treatment, figure out how you are going to do that. It MUST be done. Create a check list, buy a whiteboard or a notebook...do something that is systematic and trackable.

Or, start a blog on this site and we'll track along with you.

I realize the need to lean on others for emotional support. But, Petey, you have a choice to live and you are taking it far too lightly.

If you put all your energy into feeling sorry for yourself...you will have no energy left for what you really need energy for. The treatments are hell. And, I say that as an observer and not as a participant.

My husband went through a range of mood swings when he was first diagnosis. But, that was short lived...once he get on a treatment plan...he made the decision to fight with all he had. I am amazed at the courage my husband shows every day.

It took a lot of courage for you to admit your alcoholism and past problems on this site. I thought that showed a lot of character.

Although, your last post responding to my message showed too much weakness.

Build up your armor, build up your support team and fight this beast and beat it! Because it is quite possible things will get much, much worse before they get better.

Stay the course, Petey! You have a lot of people rooting for you on this site...show us all what you are made of.

Sorry for the late night rant and rave...but, maybe now, I will be able to fall back asleep.

I truly wish you well Petey. I am among the people here who are rooting for you!

All the best,

Petey, One thing is pretty sure since you are fighting cancer--if you want to die, you can. Just quit your treatment. But don't delude yourself that you would be in any way making amends for what you need to make amends for, or helping your family, by doing that. You would not be giving anyone a gift. All you would be doing is giving into fear and self-pity.

Your family needs to have you around to SEE that you can change, through the grace of your higher power and the hard work of really WORKING your program every. single. day. Their attitude toward you may not change right away, even though you are fighting cancer, but it will change if you keep up that work. And keep up the cancer fight too.

Right now, it's about accepting life on life's terms and life's terms are certainly pretty harsh at the moment. But it's your life, and you're being given the medical care to keep that life going. Be grateful for that and treat your life with the respect it, and every life, deserves.

Nelie

Petey, Petey, Petey,

I'm a wife. I thought about how I would feel if I asked my sick husband if there was something special he wanted to do today and he replied...."die". My first thought was that I'd want to punch him, which of course I wouldn't do. My realistic reaction would be to tell him what a selfish ass he's being and that his dying would have such a horrible effect on his wife and kids..........why would he even SAY it to us?

You will get sympathy on this board, understanding, knowledge, advice, love, cyberhugs.........you name it. The one thing you WILL NOT get is pity. Snap out of it and fight the good fight. That would be one huge step to making amends with your wife and children. Show them how much you WANT to be with them.

You can do this Petey, but not by sitting around feeling sorry for yourself. Been there/done that/waste of time.

Much love,
Minnie

Petey - I ditto everything above. If you think giving up and dying is going to prove something to your family, the only thing it will prove is that you gave up when you could have taken charge and made a change for the better! Besides, if you start taking the suggestions offered above and start DOING something instead of waiting around for the pity party to start, you will feel much more in control of your life and you will be too busy to get down and depressed. So get moving. DO IT!!

Petey,
When I joined this board, YOU were the one to tell me to take it 1 day at a time. I'm still doing that and I hope you are following your own good advice!
Stay strong--for yourself, your family--and for us!
We're thinking of you,
Brenda

Petey,

Many people here have come to love and admire you. Your sense of humor, anger, strength and devotion to helping others has moved many to tears...some of joy and some of sadness.

As I read the above posts, I was overcome by a deep feeling of anger that you would now, after all that you have gone through, tell us that you are ready to give up. You came to us ready to die and look how far you have come.

The one word that I cannot picture on your tombstone is "QUITTER".

There is a great deal of love and great deal of advice in the above posts. Many of them you could of written yourself to help others.

Let's see the Petey that is going to fight the fight come back on this forum! Pity does not suit you.

Jerry

Petey, you have un-finished business to take care of. You need and obviously want to re-connect with your family. Now is your chance. It might be the hardest thing you ever had to do, but with what you have shown us, you can do it. The compassion that you have shown here, and the strength, show that you are equipped to do and say what you have to do and say to make your family believe that you love them and want them in your life. It will require humility, and energy, and right now I am sure that you are low on energy.....but heck, if you can do what you did last week, with all of that work on your property, you can do this.

Do it now, before your rad. treatments slow you down. If you can't bring yourself to speak the words you need to speak, or if you don't have the opportunity, use your beautiful gift of writing. You have a beautiful way of expressing yourself, and with the written word, you can work with your message until it says exactly what you want it to say. Then you can follow it up with contact. And whether or not you get the response you hope for at first, at least you have said what you wanted to say, and you have extended your hand.

If things are as bad as you say, they might not take that hand immediately. Don't stop trying. Write again, never showing any sort of anger, but simply expressing your love for them and your need for them in your life right now.

This project will probably make radiation treatments seem like playtime, so get with the program and don't let us hear you talk about giving up on any of it.

What's the worst that can happen?? That you won't get them back?? Is that worse than what you have now? And what's the best that can happen?? That they DO respond and come back into your life on some level. If they do that, then there is always hope that they will come closer and closer as time goes by.

You can't make things worse by trying, and you might make them better. I'm betting on you. Let them see the old Petey....the one they used to love and probably still do.

Good Luck. XOXOXOXO

Hey Petey,

We know you're out there......... Check in please!

Petey,
Reach down and tighten those boot straps real tight, grab your helmet and flak jacket, place one foot in front of the other and take the fight to the enemy. Dont look back and make the best of what you now have and win. Cheer up the best is yet to come. Bob