Hi we are new to the board. Was emailed and told this site is very helpful. Last year my husband had noticed a pain (in the back part of your mouth where your upper and lower teeth meet.) He kept putting ambosol on it. I made several appt. for him to go to the doctors he kept canceling them. Finally memorial weekend he went the doctor told him to go see a dentist. Mean time my son had a serious burn accident so he put off going to the dentist. In Nov. he came out of the shower looking white as a ghost. He had a large lump in his throat. I called a specialist and he got us in the next day. He did the scope down my husbands nose. He told us he was 90% sure it was cancer. He sent us off for a cat scan and other tests and told us to come back on Mon. Mon. came the tests were all positive he set him up for surgery on Thursday. He told us he would put a trch in for 3 days to help him breath. When he came out of surgery the doctor came out to talk to me. He said he was very sorry he could not get it all thatit was to close to his spine. He said radiation and chemo would get the rest of it. They cut him from ear to ear and took out all his lymph nodes. It is a year next week . He has gone through the radiation and chemo. They put him on ethyol which almost killed him. He stopped breathing and had a grand mal seizure. We learned this year that all doctors are definately not equal and that you have to be in charge of your own self. They have so many patients that you easily can slip through the cracks. He still has the trach in his throat and they also put a feeding tube in which he never had to use. They diagnosed hin with squamus cell stage 4 starting at the base of his tongue. It was in his oral cavity also. We went to Boston and they said they said our doctors were doing what they would do as far as treatment. My problem is this constant fear we have. My husband has one good day of optimist then 3days of depression. I try to put it way on the back burner so we can enjoy our life. My worst times are at night when Iam sleeping the what ifs. I want to help him because I know menatally you can heal yourself. We have a fifteen year old son and I also worry what toll this is all taking on him. Is this a normal part of healing? He gets very angry and depressed and I am his partner so I bear the brunt of it. If anyone has any sugg. on how to help him please let me know. I know ther are many survivors out there. He just needs to hear some positive feedback. Thanks! [B][/B]

Packer`s wife here.....I think we all live with the constant fear you talk about.......Packer just had 3 major surgeries in a month, and another one coming up the beginning of the year.............I`m always thinking what if........i don`t sleep much..........we are both on antidepressants, and it`s an area you might look into..........they don`t take any of the problems and fear away, but do help you cope somewhat better.......and you have come to the right place..........there`s lots of prayers and support here.....dee

Welcome to the board. I understand what you say about the fear and the "what ifs" that seem so much worse at night when you lay your head down. My husband's cancer was 2 1/2 years ago and I still have that fear, but it does not come as often, so hang on. Time does take some of the edge off, although I think we will always know that fear. My husband got on antidepressents for about six month following his treatments. They made a big difference, just helped him get over the hump and back to being his "new" self. We do look at life differently since cancer, but I think it is in a good way as we have learned to appreciate each day that we have and to cherish the moments we have watching our three children grow up. I also understand how you feel about your son, we have a 15 year old son also, and a ten and eleven. I think our 15 year old is the one that understood the most and worries the most. Like us, he has learned that fear also. Wish I could take it away for him, but there it is, so we talk to him when he needs to talk and listen to him when he needs someone to listen. I don't think my two younger children fully understood, which I am kinda grateful for.
I know how hard it is being the caregiver, especially during those rough times, as we tend to hurt the ones we love the most. There were times when my husband told me to go away and leave him alone, but I didn't and looking back now he is so very thankful to me for all I did for him. So, hang in there, things do get better.
Julie

Hello & welcome,

Julie & Dee talk from the caregiver side of cancer. And I am convinced that the caregiver side is the hardest. From the feelings of not being able to help, to catching the brunt of the bad moods and anger that builds up in us a we go through treatment.
Take their advise about the antidepressants...from all that I've read they will help both of you through this. And probably Julie's other comment about time helping is right on. I know my mood lifted the further along I got out of treatment. Maybe because my body was feeling better and slowly more energetic? Who knows? I just know that the further behind me treatment got the better I started feeling.

You take care and come back and talk anytime.
Dinah

Four months after my treatment of radiation and chemotherapy, I was totally depressed feeling no light at the end of the tunnel. Then I was taken to hospital by my husband for treatment. I took antidepressants until now for five months. It is common for cancer patients to feel depressed especially for those diagnosed at an advanced stage. I had tonsil cancer of stage IV. Still alive and back to normal work. Support from family is very very important.