Hello all x I am lay in bed in the uk - 1am after the most awful of days. My father in law who has terminal throat and head cancer was expected home today, his wishes to come home and have no invasive treatment which at 87 we respect that that is his choice.

Everything is set up at home for him to come home and for his wife, son and myself to care for him during his last months, weeks, days? Sadly he had a haemorrhage of his tumour this morning so the hospital called us to attend urgently and he was very poorly all day losing quite a lot of blood. Due to this his consultant advised that he stay for a couple of day while they stabilise him as he is also diabetic.

Sorry I am waffling! My question is none of us are clear of how the end will be for him, he was so afraid today and I will stick to my promise and carry him out if the hospital on Thursday by the latest as his last wish but feel that without knowing what are the possible scenarios how are we going to deal with them. His wife is terrified he will choke to death, my husband that he will bleed to death and I know every person is different but I feel unable to support them emotionally as I have no idea what could happen.

I do hope I am not offending anyone by being so blunt but I can't seem to get the answers from anyone - his Consultant always visits when we are not there but he is unable to relay very well what has been said and the nursing staff just say it will be peaceful.

I would really appreciate any honest experiences of this so I can be ready to care for him and offer the support to his family x

Your gratefully and with the greatest of respect x

Bless those who have lost loved ones xxx

Kazzakirk,

It may take a bit for someone who has experience with this to answer you so be patient. Also because of the time, it may be a few hours. I wanted you to know that someone cared.

I think you will find that the end is different for everybody depending on where the tumors are and where they have possibly spread to. I know with some patients, the doctors warn of a very spontaneous and lethal bleed when the tumor has invaded the neck vessels. Some have mets to the lung or brain and that is what ultimately causes death. I am not sure that any one of us can give you a good answer.

I am so sorry you feel so alone and worried. I hope that your FIL does have a peaceful death and that his wishes can be fulfilled.

Hugs,

Kazzakirk - I have not had the experience to be able to give you suggestions, but I'm sure someone will be along that can help. I know that here in the U.S. many have found much help and support with the hospice group. A friend of mine who was caring for her mother-in-law had many wonderful things to say about them and the help they gave her with her mother-in-law. Perhaps there is something similar in England? When a dear friend of mine died a few years ago, she had cancer in every part of her body. She was on morphine which took care of the pain and the end of life for her was very peaceful. It is hard not knowing what is happening or how to prepare and it does help if more than one person can be there when the doctors or consultant explain things or answer questions. If you can prepare a list of questions ahead of time, it might help with getting some answers. Check back and let us know what is happening and how you are doing.

i was afraid of the same thing with my husband, i had heard from someone that the tumor would cut his airway off eventually, but in my husbands case, he had a muscle pulled up to cover the hole created by taking part of his jaw and cancer, so the last days of his life, he started having some spots on his neck and face and when i took him to dr, the doctor said that those spots were a type of skin cancer, that his immunities were gone and the cancer was taking over and that the tumor was growing out rather than inward like i feared because of the muscle that was pulled up to repair. He also had a lot of pain in his head that we were trying to get under control, they thought it was the trigemanal nerves causing the pain with my husband he just kind of quit using so much food in his tube and got restless, but he still was walking to the bathroom the day before he died. I noticed in the morning he hadn't moved much, but he seemed to be breathing better at first and then he fell into the rapid breathing and then just a couple shallow breaths and he was gone.He actually got clammy and had run a low grade temp that last day as well..he actually went pretty peacefully and had seemed to still know people just the day before. that was my experience.

I have been awake since 4am so got a couple if hours sleep and am so very very grateful to you both for your replies x

Yes Anne-Marie we do have a hospice so I may call them in the morning and speak to one of the nurses there x it never crossed my mind that they are there to give support if the person is not actually staying with them x

TdphotoQueen: - I am so very sorry for you loss, but thank you so much for sharing you experience. It has greatly put my mind at rest that I can manage to be here in the care giving role I wished x He is and has always been a very proud man and as I have nursed his wife before after surgery and he has agreed for me to do the same for him and allow them to spend the short time they have left together not having to deal with his hygiene, feeds and medication etc but to just be together.

We do have a cancer charity called MacMillan who will send in specialist palliative nurses near the end and now I feel much more equipped to know when that may be x. The blessing we do have is that he is still not suffering a great deal of pain but the speed this are changing I feel this will begin to change in the next few days x

Many thanks to you both sent with love and appreciation xxx

thank u for your kind words...i was scared and felt all alone before we brought hospice in, but they are such a good resource to get info and if i had any questions they did their best to give me the support i needed. just knowing someone was a phone call away was all i needed to give me confidence to deal with what was coming. you are lucky he isn't in too much pain, i wish u the best in these most difficult days.

Hi, We had a lady rom England who was on here regularly for years, until her husband passed away. Look in the archives here or Cokey and send her a PM as she could be a lot of help to you and your family. Hope this will help and God bless. Semper-Fi Bob

Kazz/Bob..user name was "Cookey." Her first name is Liz. If you do a search in the user list up top..her email address is in her profile.

Hope this helps.

Hi
not sure if this is where to post this ... but i too have a lot of questions.
my husband is terminal and he has an open wound on his neck showing his jaw bone and opening all the way back to his coroted artery. the drs keep telling us to be prepared for what they call a catastropic bleed. Where the cancer would eat away at the coroted and he could bleed out and die.
this seems so far fetched to me but very scary. They told us to get dark towels and dark sheets so its less traumatic.
I know it may seem insensitive .. but have any of you had to deal with this. Can this happen.
Should we keep him at home or put him in Hospice. We have a 5 year old daughter and i dont where her to see that.
any help or advise would help

Hello, I'm really sorry and saddened to read your post.
Unfortunately, your Drs are correct. The tumour can indeed erode through the Carotid artery. This will result in a catastrophic bleed out.
Blood doesn't look so frightening on dark material which is why they are advising you to get in a supply of dark towels. You will need towels to absorb the blood should the artery go.
I wish I could tell you more. Have you talked to Hospice about this eventuality?
If it was me, I would want to keep my Husband close to me, to spend his remaining time at home with his family. Have you a Parent, sister, close friend ,who could be at home with you to remove your Daughter should this scenario eventuate?
I know that there have been previous members here who have had to deal with this. look at the final,posts from "Kens Wife".
I will keep your family in my prayers.
Tammy