I am and always have been "emotional velcro". I'm not sure where I'm heading with this post, but I just have to say some stuff. Everything sticks to me and I have such a hard time letting things go. When I hear someone else's misfortune, I often get this paralyzing fear that the same thing or worse is going to happen to me. I know this is childish and self-centered, but I have to "own" it. I tend to let these things paralyze me with fear. I become afraid of everything and end up wasting so much time because I would rather just escape by sleeping or watching TV...just sitting inside my house on a gorgeous day. The thing that adds to the negative emotions is the guilt that I feel for bringing others down with me. I have two beautiful little children. I don't want them to learn this from me as I learned it from others. I need to break the cycle. I need to overcome this inertia and get on with my life. I don't want cancer to define me. Yes, it's part of me and always will be...hopefully, just part of my history. But, there is always going to be something...something on which I can place blame for my inaction. It's time to put on my "big girl" pants and grow the hell up.

UGH! Sorry to vent. I've gotta let the crazy of the leash sometimes! Yes, I have a therapist.

Kerri,
I feel the exact same way. I am just happy sitting in my recliner watching TV or,doing things on the computer to escape reality. I too often think that a recurrence is not too far away. I also have two beautiful boys and one on the way. I keep thinking I am must be crazy to have wanted another child, and the fear of this stuff returning is overwhelming. You are not alone.

Hi Kerri, I know how bad you feel (and about whom). I share your pain. However, you and I were able to beat this horrible disease for a reason while others were not so fortunate. You, because you have 2 small children to raise and myself I think it was so that I could help other OC victims. so take some time to grieve for the sadness and the unfairness of the news we got today about our mutual friend, but then do what you say and put the big-girl pants on; raise your babies to be good people with huge hearts and do it for those that did not survive. and vent here any time you need to,sweetie.

Thanks, ladies. I know we all are in this together. I'm grateful for having such friends. xoxo

Just remember......

Kerri-1, Cancer-0

I keep moving to try to stop myself from thinking. I'm not that good at concentrating so I just keep moving.

All the best. Laura

I know how difficult it can be to get past being a patient and worrying about 'what if'. Glad you have someone to talk things over with. This is one thing that makes OCF such a great place, we all get you and its ok to let off some steam here. We are all in the same boat! I find volunteering and helping others is what helps me get past my own problems.

(((HUGS)))

I'm not the patient but caregiver and the fear can be just as overwhelming. It breaks my heart and saddens me to the core when I think about the beautiful, amazing, strong people who have lost their battle with this beast. I usually go to Zumba on Monday nights but I just couldn't last night. I felt so sad and scared that my husband could be the next one with a recurrance. I try to think about all the amazing, strong SURVIVORS on these message boards but when you hear the devastating news that we shared yesterday it just sucks the breath right out of you.

I can't begin to know how it feels to be the patient worrying abouot a recurrance but it is just as scarey to be the caregiver and feel totally helpless at times.

Today is a dark, dreary day in Pennsylvania and it definitely reflects the way I feel today. All we can do is keep fighting the good fight. Hugs.

Hugs back to you, Wanda. Thank you for your post. It's from the heart. Sometimes I wonder if I'd be strong enough to be a caregiver. You are amazing people, going through the journey by our side and not fleeing or giving up. It takes an exceptional person to be a caregiver. I am grateful to have the wonderful husband, family, and friends. I would be nowhere without them by my side.

Thank you, Christine and David. I know you've been through and have seen lots of stuff. I'm grateful for all of your hard work and support. Hugs to you all!1