Why can't I just accept the fact I'm sick and need to get well.
I feel like I'm pushing myself everyday to get better at an unrealistic rate because I'm afraid everything is passing me by.
Before cancer I lead a really active life and never thought about it, never even looked at it that way. I work Monday thru Friday as a preschool teacher and did community theater almost year round and now it's like my life is on pause. And it's driving me crazy.
I read people's responses to things I've posted saying "9 months out" "a year out" a part of me would rather die than me trapped that long.
A part of me feels cheated. Like every possibility wasn't presented to me about radiation. And I know if I had known it would have done this to my body and taken away any kind of quality of life I wouldn't have even considered it.
Yes. I know I'm alive...but Somedays that's all I am. Functioning.

John...you sound like me. You just have to be patient. Remember youre only 6 months in. Give your body and mind time to heal. I remember feeling like that about radiation too. Ive been through 2 heavy duty surgeries radiation and 2 series of Chemo and I think the radiation was the worst. Some of us breeze right through it and some of us have a horrible time of it. sending hugs your way.

I feeL that way, too, sometimes, and I'm three years out! This is probably one of the worst kinds of cancers you can get, and even some of my friends who have had breast cancer have no idea what my situation is. I find myself almost jealous of those who have had breast cancer, because "our" cancer doesn't get nearly the publicity that breast cancer does. Usually, I can remain pretty upbeat, when I am with my friends and family, but at least I can vent here. Brian's quote about our mouths is really on the money. John, I know that nothing I can say can possibly make it "all better" but please feel free to vent here as much as you like. Everyone here has been where you are, and there are so many others who have had it so much worse. I try to take my inspiration from Christine, Charm and Eric. They make me feel very humble!

So normal Jon. If you think of the grieving process of which a large part is anger, you reaction is perfectly understandable. Add to that, your life has changed, and you feel cheated because your expectations weren't managed. Even if you were told, you could not have been able to imagine the reality.

It all feels so overwhelming right now - not only because you were not prepared but your body is putting all it's energy into healing which makes if very difficult for you to be grateful or positive to be alive. But it will come.

I suggest you continue to vent, but also write down what you are feeling every day and slowly you will come to realise that your "bad" days are not coming as often and soon your good days will outnumber them. One day you will realise you can't remember when your last "bad" day was.

Lastly, consider some chemical help. Antidepressants smoothed Alex's path during recovery as he found it exceedingly difficult to come to grips with the sheer enormity and shock of what had happened to him. And who wouldn't?

John the reality is this... This will always be with you - diligence is your new best friend. you have to be on your guard with regards to oral care, what's normal etc for the rest of your life. It sucks, but that's the way it is, eventually things will heal, you may have some residual damage from the rads etc... The extent of which is up to you - I went for physio, go for acupuncture, and learned lymphatic massage. To try and get back to where I was before all this. I'm at about 85 % but you adapt. All this may not solve any future problems I have but I'm certain it's helped get me to this point. You may feel ripped off by rads and the fall out etc... But the other reality is... Despite all you've been through and all you may go through... You're here to experience it. There are a lot of people who aren't. The radiation may very well have saved your life by preventing a possible recurrence... Ive been told by a radiation dr that it cuts the odds of a recurrence in half. Since this cancer can be very aggressive - Radiation was a good choice... And the drs suggested it for a reason... There had to have been a reason... Possibly the aggressiveness of the cancer, involvement I don't know, but they don't take decisions like that lightly. Chances are you've lost a few more months of your life to this... But you will eventually crawl out of the hole your in and thngs will get better. I was insanely grateful that it only ate up 6 mos of my life, I know people who have to do chemo for the rest of their lives (I have a friend wit incurable peritoneal cancer who spends two days of her life at the local ccc - every week. And once a month she has to go have 3 liters of fluid drained from her abdomen), and there are others who as one of the other posters here said, are getting treatment just to live another day. I am super busy and super active and am final back functioning at s normal level and it's been 13 mos since radiation. So it takes time. Patience. give yourself a break.

John, ditto all the good advice you have gotten from other surivors/caregivers. I am EXACTLY one year ahead of you, and am living proof that it does get better. Someday this will all be just a memory for you, and you will remember how far you have come and how truly blessed you are. As zenga...said, there are others who have suffered more and are back here every day inspiring others. One day YOU will be one of the survivors giving hope to others.

I have just spent the last 2-1/2 days with Eric Statler, who is about the most amazing unselfish person I have ever met. He was dealt a horrible hand, and chose to keep on going and work with what he has left, not dwell on what he once had.

Eric, Charm, Christine, Chuck Feeney and others are all my heroes.... they stories kept me going when I was feeling like you feel now.

Please consider some short-term anti-depressant assistance as klo says. Talk to your docs...you need to heal your body and use whatever is at your disposal to do that.
Wishing you the best.

Cheryl - youre always so positive. I love it!

John - I'm not sure exactly where you are up in NY, but have you heard of SPOHNC? They have local chapters all over. Im going to my first meeting on Wednesday - and will undoubtably be the youngest there and I know its not fair that we didnt "earn" our cancer but personally for me it was a wake up call - to live a more meaningful life. http://www.spohnc.org/local_chapters.php#ny

Hang in there buddy. Stay strong and trust that there are better days ahead!

Johm, you have been given some good advice. I am three years out, and still feel the same way.

I guess it just isn't comforting when I hear people are a year out, 3 years out, 6 months out and still feel this way. It's not encouraging. I only have until the beginning of next month to go back to work and I still can't talk without being in pain or being uncomfortable. I can talk fine when the thick excessive saliva is out of my mouth but that only lasts about 2 minutes if i'm lucky. And it's even more frustrating that no one else seems to have expirenced this problem. It's days like these I wish I had made a different choice. The "but you're living" card isn't enough. I'm alive but every minute of everyday is a fight. I don't want this. They might as well have taken my tongue for all the good its doing me now.
Its completely unfair.

[quote=glocita]Cheryl - youre always so positive. I love it!

John - I'm not sure exactly where you are up in NY, but have you heard of SPOHNC? They have local chapters all over. Im going to my first meeting on Wednesday - and will undoubtably be the youngest there and I know its not fair that we didnt "earn" our cancer but personally for me it was a wake up call - to live a more meaningful life. http://www.spohnc.org/local_chapters.php#ny

Hang in there buddy. Stay strong and trust that there are better days ahead! [/quote]
It wouldn't matter if there was a support group. I can't talk. I can't tell anyone anything. I'm trapped inside my body