...and lost my grip. The gift that keeps on giving gave us one we were not expecting...and just in time for the holidays.

On 11/30, J was fired from his job after working for 35 years at the company. His only bad review was the one in March when he was recovering from chemo and all that he went through with the diagnosis and then the misdiagnosis. With the exception of all the doctor appointments and treatment appointments, he took only the alloted amount of sick time for the two surgeries and oral surgery and had approval to work at home for the rest of the days he missed.

Co-workers had made comments about his forgetfulness. I've noticed it--flooded dining room from a garden hose left on outside, driving with a canceled car insurance policy because he forgot about it even after a call from the insurance rep. He was working longer hours and on weekends because his concentration was off. A former vendor hired him to start on 1/3/12 doing a similar job. But, how long before they realize he isn't able to keep up? He got the job on his reputation. But, he isn't that person anymore.

California's tort reform laws dating back to the 1970's are hampering any chance of filing a malpractice suit regarding J's misdiagnosis. Most likely, we won't even be able to recoup any of our costs for the unnecessary surgeries, doctor visits, etc. The quality of health care in California has suffered because of medical tort reform. Doctors can make serious errors and are rarely held accountable. So, they have become careless. And, their victims, who can little afford it, are left to deal with the long term damage.

The events of the past two years include my mother dying on the grounds of an assisted living facility. She got locked outside during the afternoon of a 110 degree summer day, wandered to the opposite side of a 7 acre facility and died on a walkway. Her body was out there overnight before a person coming for a meeting in the morning found her. We don't know how long she was out there before she died. There were no security cameras. The corporation that owns the facility said cameras were not worth the expense. Residents (including my mother) were paying a minimum of $5000 per month to live there.

They never even looked for her even when she didn't show up for dinner the night before her body was found. But, again, no justice. The coroner didn't put a cause of death on the death certificate nor on his report. Since is wasn't clear exactly when she died (although they figured she died the day before she was found) or why she died it hurt our case.

I'm not a litigious person. No amount of money can ever make any of it right. I am just crushed by the ineptitude, greed, and dishonesty of professionals we trust with our life and the lives of people we love. I can't stomach the lack of justice and the lack of moral responsibility. It hit me really hard today. I know I should let it go. It's really difficult for me to do that.

Just needed to vent. Spent a great portion of the day in tears. Not my usual day. But, I've really just lost hope and have little remaining faith in the medical professions...little remaining faith in anything or anyone outside of my friends and children.

I feel like all the time I spent striving for justice has been a complete waste of time, energy and emotion. It's like being victimized all over again.

Honey bun, I totally hear you! you've been wronged not once but twice! And it's exceptionally hard when it's cost you so much (in particular your mom) how is it possible that a coroner could not find a time of death? Or reason? I find that highly suspicious... I know it's been some time - but it's too bad that you couldn't hire someone privately to do an autopsy - and negligence is negligence, had the facility Checked on your mother at any time there's a good chance she would still be around. I'm not a lawsuit type of girl at all, I think in many cases people sue just because they can get something out of it - they're hoping to get rich - etc... However I very much think you have a case particularly where your mom is concerned if for no other reason than to prevent it from happening to someone else's family. Your hubby's case is a little less cut and dried - as you know what he was like prior to treatment but proving the significant amount of damage done by the chemo is likely much harder. The misdiagnosis is a big wrong, but very few drs. dont make at least one mistake in their career - and most drs would rally around the one who does - knowing this. (at least that's the way it is here - they do protect eir own - and very rarely will you find a dr. Who says - that guy screwed up, and if you do it's impossible to get them to put it in writing). This is why they are almost always non committal - and offer an opinion only. You husband's company sounds like a bunch of in considerate a-holes - frankly - a job is a job but really there should be some understanding so maybe this company will be better - the good news is he's cancer free and still alive! Maybe he should start writing things down in a reminder book? Just until he moves back into normal... And he should in time. It's interesting because most chemos don't cross the blood brain barrier (body's protective mechanism) so maybe his forgetfulness is related to something else (distracted etc...) I have no doubt it's related to everything that's gone one, but memory can be trained! Please don't cry... Maybe look into perusing your moms case a little more... Or walk away and do something wonderful for your mom, like open an advocate service for the elderly who have no one... Hugs thinking about you!

Sandy,
wish I was there to give you a hug. I'm not a litigeous type, either - but have you talking to a lawyer about your mom? Not thinking of the money, but of the justice.

I think your ex's situation is less clear-cut, a consultation might not hurt there, either.

Sometimes I'd like to toss downn a yellow flag and give the universe a 15 yard penalty for piling on. And maybe anotjher for personal foul.

Wow. I am so very sorry that all of this has happened. I hear your frustration about doctors/care homes not being held accountable for their actions, all the while that you have been completely held accountable - even for things that weren't of your doing!!!

I have heard the term that life isn't fair, but your experiences demonstrate that x 10.

I am sure you have spoken to lawyers about potential success of litigation, but if they advise that this isn't probable, I would suggest trying to get some counselling to learn how to let all this go. I know I would sure need some professional advice on how to deal with this.

Hugs

Donna

I am so, so sorry you have had all of this to deal with. I do hope there is a way to get some justice, not only to help relieve some of the hurt in losing your Mom so tragically, but to perhaps prevent this kind of thing from happening to someone else. Certainly, it's not fair that J lost his job after 35 years with a company but we all know life is not always fair and that you just have to chalk it up to the fact that sometimes "People are just no d*** good�.

Sandy - You are such a caring soul - you have been able to feel others' pain and frustration and place their needs above your own. You've stood by J and placed his needs above your own at a time when it took super human courage and strength to do so. It's time now, for you to give yourself the same compassion you have so generously shared with others and that you so deserve for yourself. I hope that you will take time just for You, and your own needs and that there will be some healing moments of peace for you � and maybe someone close by to give you a hug when you most need it.

Thank you, my dear OCF family, for being so kind...and for being patient with me while I throw myself a pity party. Having some understanding and compassion and those hugs have helped me a great deal. I'm pulling myself together and I'm back to moving forward.

@ DavidR: Oh, I love that analogy! It definitely feels like I've been facemasked by the cosmos.

Love and hugs back to all!

Sandy
xoxox

I am glad to hear you sounding more like yourself, Sandy. I want to second Anne-Marie's suggestion of doing someth[font:Arial Black][/font]ing nice for yourself - maybe a class of interest. Tai chi, yoga, dressage, quilting - sometimes something different is fun.

My mom has a saying that I've adopted and it's worked well for me through my ordeal. She would tell me "When you're at the end of your rope son, tie a knot and hang on for dear life." and I have to say it's worked for me.

Sometimes we get overwhelmed at everything life throws at us and unfortunately it sure doesn't seem to understand portion control and we get buried under a heap of bullsh!t. My wife and I joke that we get dealt "sh!t sandwiches" and after a while you get used to the taste I do recommend a healthy dose of mayo and mustard for them though, it helps them go down a bit easier.

The beauty and wonder of the human spirit is our capacity to overcome, to deal with the challenges life can throw at us and stand defiantly. To me hope is the belief of something better no matter what your situation and as long as you have that in your heart it doesn't matter what life throws at you. So cling to hope when things get dark, tie a knot and hold on for dear life. Surround yourself with positive uplifting people, listen to inspirational music, watch inspirational movies or read inspirational books...fill your heart with hope from examples of people who have overcame. It's what has helped me to continue on despite all of the challenges.

Hang in there my dear, you are stronger then you believe you are.

Eric