I signed on for the first time in a long time yesterday and since then have been reading the posts and thinking how good it felt to talk so I would like to go on a little more. My mom has suffered with the reprecussions for years now massive weight loss, depression, not being able to eat, fear, and med side effects too long to list. Sometime she is too sick to get out of bed and all I can do is make sure she drinks enough to stay hydradeted. The cancer is gone but the problems remain. I foolisly thought that when the cancer was over and done with so would the problems be. Since my last post I have had a little boy and I think that helps sometimes. But that is not always enough all the meds and the radiation and all the other stuff caused my mom to have a clotting problem she has had three strokes this year. One major two minor. Through them all my mom forgot me each time. I know she has no control over it and I hold no anger twoards her but I feel like I am just not good enough anymore. I cant help her I cant fix it and all the while I am so scared to go back to school because each time I have tried in the past one or the other of my parents have been found to have cancer/ There is a prt of me that never wants them to leave my sight. I have nightmares all the time I cant sleep any more and I really am scared to go to a doctor or hospital for anything. I am humiliated to admit all this but I need help I need to be strong for my parents and I feel like I am fraying. Ps could someone tell me what you did to pull out of the dark days.

Im very sorry to read about your mom's ongoing problems. Its so hard to watch someone you love suffer and struggle.

To stay positive, I help others. That is what has kept me focused and from worrying excessively. It makes me feel useful and needed. Since I no longer work, I have lots of free time and tend to let my mind wander. Trying to support the members here and driving cancer patients to their appointments for the American Cancer Society helps me to feel like I am a valuable person. Ive always thought that everyone needs a purpose in life, some people wander aimlessly and never find it. Thru misfortune, I have discovered that I am a better person now since I truly care about my fellow survivors. I work to help them avoid all the mistakes I made while going thru treatments. Having another person who really does understand what you are going thru can make allthe difference in the world!

Hope you are able to find your way into the light very soon. Im sure that little boy is an amazing spirit lifter for you! Babies have a way of casting a hopeful spell over you

Dragon - I'm glad you're back. I do remember you from years ago and it does help to be able to talk and to share with someone. It also takes tremendous courage to be able to admit that you need help and that's the first step in starting to feel better. You have been through so much in caring for your Mom and worrying about your Dad, too - plus all the other responsibilities you have. Caregivers need help, too, to be able to stay strong and handle everything. Sometimes you have to shop around to find a doctor or someone you can talk to, but your health and well-being are important and your little boy needs a Mom that can answer his needs, too. Is your Mom's doctor someone you could ask for help for yourself, or for a referral? Do you have a friend or relative that could recommend someone? It is NO sign of weakness to ask for help, you know. And if you need help in asking for it, that's ok, too. If you have a family doctor, and tell him what you are going through, he may be able to recommend something that will ease your anxiety and be able to start feeling better. When my son was first diagnosed with SCC, I was newly retired and did not have any other responsibilities and I can tell you, I was a basket case of nerves and anxiety! I couldn't even talk on the phone without people asking me if I was ok! I let things go way too long before calling my doctor who prescribed something to ease my anxiety so I could go on and put one foot in front of the other. Keeping busy really helps, exercise, too and if you go back to school, that could help with getting your mind on other things but don't try to do everything all at once and do start with taking care of YOU. Re your Mom's strokes, it does take a long time to recover and it helps to have understanding people around. I never knew much about strokes and its effects until I read "My Stroke of Insight" by Jill Bolte Taylor, a brain surgeon who had a stroke herself. It's a really good, interesting read and gives such an interesting insight from the perspective of someone who has experienced surviving a stroke. Please take care of YOU. Your little boy needs a happy, healthy Mom.

I am so excited after going through the yuck last nite being sad and down I just got the news that I was excepted to college and I went in to work and resigned and now I am going to see if I can start voulenteering around here when I know my schedule a little better yeah wow It must have been talking about it or something awesome. Tahnk you guys so much