It's been 2 1/2 months since treatment ended and I decided that my body was feeling healed enough for a massage - I've been yearning for one for some time but the thought of it made me feel a little vulnerable and frail. So today was the day and it was feeling so good...until...I rolled over onto my back, the massage therapist put the bolster under my knees and all of a sudden I was flat on my back on that damned radiation table!!! It took me a couple moments to even figure out why I was having a small freak out!!
I went on to enjoy the rest of the massage but it was a reminder that I will ALWAYS have reminders of cancer and my time in treatment. It's always going to be there - isn't it? Never far from the surface, just waiting to bubble up when you think you've stolen a moment of peace.

Thinking of you all at whatever point you are in this wild journey!

Jen,

You know I never think about it anymore. I enjoyed massage frequently during tx and after and it never brought me there. Recently I went into the rads tx center (its in Idaho but my tx plan and surgery was thanks to the UW in Seattle) and thanked my RO and nursing staff . I think the only time I've had an issue is going back to the UWMC where I had the surgery that paralysed my face so all my consults and other surgeries were done at Harborview. Still a UW facility just different scenery...same drs though.

Funny really that it bothers me but it does, emotions and the mental thing is really interesting that way. I hope it doesn't ruin anymore massages, they are good for body and soul.

Keep your chin up

Eric

Thanks Eric! It didn't get to the point where it ruined my massage - just interrupted it I guess! Definitely not my last massage - it felt too good!
Just made me ponder some on how much cancer treatment has left its mark on my psyche as well as my body!!!

Cannot wait to have a massage!!! Need one desperately - rads flashbacks be damned!!! glad you are feeling good - you deserve it!

I am geeting a massage in June and can not wait. I know when I walk to hall to my RO, my thoughs afre "The walk of doom" as his office is in the same location as my radiation was. I hate making that walk, as the flashbacks nd pain all come back to me.

Gee everyone, I never had raditaion, but I have flashbacks of my cancer treatment, surgery's, healing period, all the time. Smells, sounds, songs, places, I guess I am glad I am not losing my mind. Am I just normal? Maybe?

I'm a massage therapist and I can tell you that it is not at all uncommon for massage to trigger release of emotions and feelings. Our bodies store memories in our tissues and sometimes touch or even, as with Jennifer, a position or some other aspect with similarity to an experience, can bring up a memory or an emotional response.

Often your therapist will be aware that you are experiencing something but if not please don't hesitate to ask for a brief break to collect yourself. I had a client who had recently lost a beloved dog. The music that I was playing during our session created a tremendous, almost painful nostalgia for her pet which reduced her to tears. She asked me to change the music which I of course did and she was able to enjoy the remainder of the session.

I hope that Jennifer's experience was a one-time affair and that she will be able to enjoy a good massage. We all deserve that pleasure!!

Catherine - you described my reaction better than I could myself - thank you! I do think my "flash-back" will be a one time affair - it triggered a muscle memory that came over me in an unexpected wave. Now that I know it could come - it won't be unexpected!
Massage is fantastic - I think I should schedule my next appointment!!!

Jen, I still hear the radiation machine noise in my head, and I wasn't the one having treatment.....Think if you can...'a massage isn't going to hurt me'....xxxx