Hi everybody,

I tried to search for a relevant thread but didn't have any luck. I'm about seven months out of my rad/chemo treatment, and had a limited neck dissection about two months ago and have been told I'm in full remission.

At my worst, just after completing my rad/chemo, I experienced what was described as "steroid induced delusions". Bottom line, one night I actually believed I was dying. It was visceral, emotionally agonizing, terrifying. And then I didn't die.

During my journey since that time, and pretty much right up to getting the good news from my neck surgery, I was preparing myself to die. I guess I'm a "glass half empty" type of person.

One might expect I would be joyous at having a second chance, but I find I lack self confidence. It is as if having come face-to-face with my own mortality, my core foundation has been shaken. I think back to things I've done in my life before cancer and marvel at how optimistic I was.

There are other factors that are challenging me as well. Not working, living in a new city, far from family etc. I maybe see baby steps of improvement, but I worry that somehow my mind has been permanently altered.

So many people on here have faced much worse than I have, and seem to have bounced back so much stronger than I have. I wonder if anyone here has experienced a similar lingering loss of self confidence after having been faced with their own mortality, even after receiving a good prognosis?

Thank you,

-Seth

Seth - I'm so sorry for all that you have had to go through in your recovery. I have not had your experience, but I'm sure others with more similar experiences can relate to yours. I do know that any changes in life, even if they are good changes can bring stresses and they cannot be overcome all at once. It takes very small baby steps to get back to feeling good again and to appreciate life maybe even more than before. You certainly have had many changes to contend with but if you can see even very small improvements, then you can be sure you are on your way to some brighter days. I think what helps is keeping busy doing something you like or exercising, even just walking outside for a bit. Helping someone else can make you feel better, too. When the dark thoughts come, you might try giving them a time limit - like 2 minutes or less and then substitue one of your recent baby steps of improvement to think about. Another thing you might consider is asking the doctor if any meds you are taking could be causing these feelings or whether your meds might need to be changed. I do hope you start feeling better and seeing more "baby steps" of improvement. Let us know how you are doing.

Seth,

I m so sorry you are feeling so blue. It is a natural side effect of what has happened. Don't feel guilty or badly that you are having these feelings.

It doesn't matter that others have had it worse. Your experience is equally as traumatizing and the aftermath is often feeling depressed and sad- wondering "why the hell has this happened to me??" I think if you just allow yourself to feel what you are feeling you will be able to move forward. It is hard not to dwell on the negative.I think everyone here fights that tendency. I think you should rediscover what excites you in life and try and focus on that. Get out and meet new people and try new things and get your mind off of what you've been through. It certainly isn't easy but just try a few activities a week that move in that direction. I think that you will be pleasantly suprised at how much better you will feel. It becomes all consuming dealing with this illness- but you've survived it and you are going to live a long and happy life now. There is really only one way to think here no matter what the prognosis

Be open to new experiences. This disease doesn't have to define who you are as a person in life.

Wishing you all th ebest Seth. Go out and do something special for yourself today that makes you feel happy!

KATE

Seth,

I had a similar experience. Mine hit about 2 months out of treatment and I was prescribed an anti-depressant by my doctor. That helped a lot. He told me that this is a fairly common condition for post treatment cancer patients as we all realize we are fighting for our lives (anybody who has gone through this and says they were not acutely aware of their mortality is a liar). He equated the post treatment condition to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Here we are, just like a soldier on a battlefield, fighting for our lives. In treatment we live in the moment and the fight is what keeps us going every day. It is post treatment where we get that feeling that our inner foundation has completely disappeared. We have nothing to cling to as far as the in the moment fight is concerned as that is now over, yet we have a completely new reality to deal with and we have not completely sorted that out yet. We find ourselves confronted by a new reality with little to no foundation below us to support us. It's real wobbly and terribly uncomfortable

I have told family members that my biggest adjustment was trying to figure out where my priority�s and life goals are now. I have all the same priorities and goals but they have been shuffled like a deck of cards. In the past all these cards where face up and laid out in my mind in an orderly fashion. Now they are all shuffled and face down. I am finding that some of my lowest priorities in the past are at the top of the deck now. I have a great deal of that deck to still flip though one card at a time to figure out what the new reality I am facing will look like. I�m a bit ahead of you so most of the first cards in my new deck are now face up and I have regained some of the old feeling of having a foundation I held before diagnosis and I am settling down.

Give it some time and don�t be afraid to discuss this with your medical team. Keep the faith as your new life will start sorting itself out and you will find a new foundation you can set your feet firmly on as you embark on the new future that is the rest of your life.

Good Luck!

Seth,
Have you seen any improvement over the last couple of weeks? After our conversation, my wife reminded me that my attitude did not improve overnight. What at one time would have been considered "normal stress", I found very difficult to deal with for quite some time afterwards. I started taking Wellbutrin at about 6 months after my treatment and surgery ended. That seemed to help me push thoughts a little further away from me. I then tried to allocate a "time of day" where I allowed myself to deal with these thoughts. After awhile I found positive feelings were becoming more frequent. Try not to be hard on yourself for feeling this way. Most of us have shared the depression and can understand what you are going thru. Acknowledge the moments that you feel good and reach out to others when you don't. Winter and holidays are especially hard. Hang in there.
All the best,
Rob Jaffe

Seth, that has to be a terrible feeling even if it's a false one. Minds can do funny things to us. I never had that but lost about 1 1/2 yrs of memeory and it hasn't come back. This memory is prior to the syrgery. Good luck and get your mind busy on other things. Got ya in my prayers.

Hey everybody, Happy New Year (has a special meaning to it, doesn't it?), and thanks for all of the support. Sorry to be so slow to get back.

Yes, I think things are very very slowly improving. Physically I can't complain, really. Yeah, dry mouth, but not completely, and I *can* eat most things now, with a chaser. Numb feet is stable at least, and maybe improving. Digestion and sleep even seem slightly better lately. But vision is "off" a bit. Old age? Can't win them all.

As for the head space, I half suspect I might be in this funk regardless of having had cancer. I'm in a huge strange and notoriously unfriendly city (London) far from family and friends and without work. Would freak out the best of us, I think. And it's winter. And the food is British!

But, now that we're through the Season, I'm starting to focus on networking and looking for work, and I already have a few meetings set up, and some ideas are trickling in. Is it too soon? Hard to say. My memory isn't what it was, but exercising the mind will probably help with that, too.

Somewhere on here recently I read someone's statement that nine months after treatment they re-found their enthusiasm (I think for a sporting activity). I'm hoping for a similar return of enthusiasm and optimism! I'm just past seven months since my radiation/chemo.

Cheers,

-Seth

Seth,

Sounds like you are heading in the right direction. What I've found is that enthusiasm and optimism is a choice, a decision that must be guarded!

Here is a quote that I used recently on another post that I think sums it up for me.

‎'Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.' Groucho Marx

I make this decision daily...and then I have two other people that hold me accountable to that decision, my wife and business partner, who in turn I'm holding accountable.

There will always be outside factors weighing on us and they should never change who we are or who we want to be.

Keep your chin up,

Eric