Hi Friends,

I know I have been doing my videos as of late, but several times I wanted to cry today and figured it would be easier to cry it out here while I type. I am bitterly sad at this point, I feel as though I am running out of crucial minutes and am having terrible nightmares. I feel left behind from the rest of society and even when I am positive and trying my best to make something of this I feel pulled 2 steps back. My favorite sirius radio show found out about my disease and did a really emotional segment about me on tuesday and it made me almost feel as if everyone knows something I dont.

I am running into, and seeing all of these people I never thought I would ever see again and I feel as if it is all a sign that I need to prepare for the worst. I already have a small small sore that has not healed in the last 7 or so days that they dont seem worried about but I am. I almost feel the docs dont wanna tell me that they did not get it all,or are too egotistical. I am just so sad right now and cant even explain the emotions I am having, first it was the last cig I threw down the toilet,felt better for a while and just woke up today angry with the world and it wont go away.

I am starting fights with people, I am at times hoping I just dont wake up because there is a better place than this or just overwhelmed with my own thoughts to the point of walking out of this house and just staying straight and seeing how far I can go. Even in the mornings I find myself just walking around the shopping center looking at people laughing, shopping, picking out pumpkins and there I amm, just staring, blank and confused asking where I went wrong. My fiancee' has escaped from all this mentally now and just goes through the motions, I just feel so alone again.

I mean, I have cancer right? I see more and more of the negative of all of this than the positive as of late. It may be the damn pills doing this to me since I started taking them again for my head and ear ache. Im sorry guys, please forgive me, I will try and do the videos more but today I really felt the whole " why am I doing this, this is stupid." " Nobody really cares but my mom and a few others, then when its over the show will go on and I will be that other person that well you know." I almost feel silly doing all of this, and literally stuck between a rock and a hard place. I almost feel like I have made it easy,or safe for people to ignore me and be even more distant. I think if I actually do pull this off and beat this I want to go really far away and start all over under a new alias. This shit takes your soul and burns it, I will stop now.

Sincerely,
Nathan

Oh Nathan I just wanna give you a BIG hug!! Wish you were here then I could do it!! How you feel now is what I went thru 3 weeks ago. I used to look at my friends and felt so alone and envious that they could just get on with their life and be so carefree. I think all cancer sufferers go go very similar emotions at some stage. I found it so hard to get through the day. So the way I got through it was "I just worry about getting thru today, and I'll worry about tomorrow when it comes". And when even that became hard - I just said to myself "one hour at a time - just get thru this hour". It's only been 2-3 weeks since then but I do feel so much better this week, so hang in there buddy. You WILL get thru this and you WILL feel better.

Minh

Nathan - you are going through exactly what my son went through during his treatment! I worried a lot about how down he was feeling and I had read about the effects of some of his medications and sure enough when I told Paul he checked his prescription bottle and it said "may cause suicidal thoughts". He called his doctor and felt better after that because he knew it was just the meds causing this. So maybe you could check with your doctor and tell him exactly how you are feeling in case he wants to change your meds. Paul had lots of sores, too in his mouth which were just part of the treatment. You can get thru this, Nathan! You have LOTS of people that care -sometimes, they just don't know how to react but the people here on this forum know what you are going through and it's good you came here to express your feelings. Crying helps, too - it kind of releases some of the pent up feelings so that you can move on to some better thoughts and feelings. It takes very small steps - sometimes even minute to minute but you will get there. You mentioned that when this is over, "the show will go on" and you will be that other person we know. Nathan, you will be an even better person because you will have survived this! More hugs coming your way!

Time to talk to your social worker Nathan. They will refer you to a counsellor who can help you talk you through your issues.

I understand every single one of your thoughts, Alex had them too.

Remember too that your immune system is down which will make you feel down, you have more stress than you can reasonably manage without feeling down and you are on serious drugs that can cause the sort of hopelessness you are feeling.

Listen to Anne Marie - it may be something simple like a side effect or even too much of a good thing that can be fixed by changing or adjusting your medications. For this reason you need to speak to your doctor about how you are feeling and what you are experiencing (ie nightmares, feelings of paranoia, being deserted by friends etc).

About the small sore. Nothing heals during radiation - you will have to wait till it is over before you see anything improve and even then it will be slower than normal. My Alex still has a small ulcer on his tongue which appeared during the first week of radiation and is still there, though smaller and less painful, 8 weeks after radiation finished.

Nathan,

I say your name and smile...my brother and best friend's name is Nathan. It's a good name.

Nathan, right now, your body is going through so very much. All of the medications the mental and emotional stress etc...it's going to take a toll. If you weren't feeling this way, you wouldn't be human.

The good thing is, you have people on these boards that can help and relate to you, we've been in a similar situation. I struggle everyday with the feelings you have. The key to getting through it is support, knowing you can't do it alone and knowing that you are not alone...because you are not, we are here with you.

I've put on my brave face and pounded my chest, determined to be strong enough to pull myself through this, however realized that I had the cards stacked against me. The treatment we undergo and the medications we have to take make it an unfair fight if you go it alone. The smart decision is to rally the troops and use any and all means possible to keep mentally and emotionally strong. This would include support groups (like OCF), counseling and medication.

Get into a counselor, a local support group or church. Ask your medical professionals about medications to help battle the chemical imbalances the treatments, medications and stresses cause...and don't stop reaching out. Use these boards to get it all out, when you do you're not only helping yourself, but others who aren't strong enough to voice it themselves.

Keep in the fight my friend, let's keep at this thing we call life while we can.

Your friend,

Eric

Keep positive Nate!!! Sores are normal like they said, and with radiation, not to scare you but you may get more. RINSE your mouth like they say with the salt and baking soda solution it does help!! Follow all dr's instructions! Keep you head up, get out with friends and loved ones keep as busy as you can DO NOT sit alone and think, it only will make you more depressed. Keep your mind busy, read, watch mindless TV :)play video games or board games or card games. Keep busy! If you have a pet, play with it just stay busy. You will make it thru this, but there will be unbearable days. Sleep. Rest your body. And for sure is eat! If you can't please drink something like Ensure or Boost. Your body needs nutrition to help with the healing. And keep talking to us here and I love watching your videos, I missed it. I also wish I could give you a big hug, CYH(consider yourself hugged! :))

:)Hi Nate. We are all here for you! I'm responding to your post from a "Caregivers" point of view. I think it's great that you are able to express yourself to everyone here. When John was going through treatments I used to drive back and forth to work and just cry in my car out of frustration, fear, watching someone I love more than anyone in the world suffer and just the "unfairness" of it all. I remember being out shopping, working etc. and thinking to myself "how can everyone just go about their normal life when my husband is suffering so much and has cancer". It was an almost surreal feeling. Keep posting and let your feelings out. I don't know what meds you are on but they can affect your moods and the feelings you are having. Just take this journey one day at a time! Hugs.

Nate, sorry it is hitting you so bad right now. You may be suffering from depression as well as side effects of drugs you are on, etc. Be sure to tell Dr. or get help with a group of survivors locally. You are SO close to getting started, and with each treatment down, there is one less to do so start the countdown instead of the counting up!

I have my simulation today - should be interesting to see how it all works. I am looking into buying the honey as noted in the link I sent you. Amazon has it...someone mentioned buying things through there with a special link gives money back to oral cancer...I can't find the link...

My son is named Nathan as well...:o) Hang in there...you have a couple of rough months, then it should start to look up. Remember, we are in this together. I start Monday as well with radiation.

Michele in IL

The Amazon link is right on the Forum list page (main list of subjects). It is a box right under the tabs like forum list, My Stuff, User list etc. Yes, OCF gets a small kickback when you use the Amazon link on the forum page.

Nathan: My brother went thru many of the same emotions & anger that you are experiencing. When his wife told me about some of it, I called him and we talked. I was his big sister (by 15 months) and he would tell me things that he was reluctant to tell others. He also listened to me. My advice to him was get some anti-anxiety meds. He was against such 'crutches' but his emotions were running rampant and with good cause. Having tongue cancer (or any cancer) is terrifying. He liked to be in control and anti-anxiety meds were for sissies. Well, he was dealing w/something he had never, ever, dealt with and he obviously needed some help calming the emotional overload. Basically, anti-anxiety drugs work by "soaking up" the excess chemicals (dopamine? I cannot remember) in the brain, so than one can calmly face what is happening. Anxiety and hysteria are can be caused by terrifying situations, like the one you are in right now. You brain produces too much of some neurotransmiter (brain chemical) & you are an emotional wreck. The over-the-top feelings that you expressed so well are a result of the chemical overload. I know this is a simplification but I think it is an accurate one. It isn't your fault you feel like this, Cancer is terrifying.

Anti-anxiety drugs will not make you a zombie. They are far more sophisticated now and they simply help anxious people cope. Think of them as anxiety sponges! Counseling may help also,but to get quick help, ask your doctors about something to calm you down, tell them you are anxious.

Sorry for the longish post but in some ways you remind me of my brother & his very 'guy-like' method of trying to be in control of something over which he had no control. He listened to his 'big-sister' and took the anti-anxiety meds & it really helped him cope with his recovery and eventually, with his reoccurrence. He had two very good years before the reoccurrence.