Eric,
My stepdad has kind of checked out of our situation. He is there physically, sometimes he goes to Dr appointments and he spent the night at the hospital a few times during each of her surgeries. Aside from that, I am her emotional support. I am the one that makes appointments. I makek sure she takes all of her meds and eats. I am pushing to get us to Anderson. I pushed to get us an appointment for Duke and to see a new oncologist. When I tuck my mom in at night, I think that if that were me laying in bed, I would want my husband with me. But he sits int he other room and watches tv till 3 in the morning - every night.
Sometimes I wish hed just go live somewhere else and get the hell out of my way if hes not even going to help. I dont know whats going through his head. I guess its just how he 'deals' with things..by not dealing with things.
This post was all about our situation but just wanted to let you know youre not alone

Eric,

I had a husband of 23 years who was a wonderful support through my rollercoaster journey with OC. He took time off work and did all the things that a committed Carer should. I thought that we communicated our fears to each other and that after a few difficult times, for both of us, we were travelling well.

How wrong I was! I found out, purely by chance (fate?) that he had been having an 18 month affair with a younger woman who he claimed was initially supporting him by listening to his concerns about my cancer and the stress that it was causing him! The affair developed from there.

I cannot stress enough that you should get counseling ASAP. You two need to be communicating and if it takes a third person to become involved do it. People deal with the stresses of being a Carer in different ways, just as we OC victims all respond differently to our own situations.

I know that some people are unable to cope and distance themselves, as much as possible, from the reality of this disease. Others (like my husband) seem to cope, but clearly have stresses and concerns that they don't verbalise. SEE A COUNSELOR before too much damage is done. I wish we had!

Sue

I'm sorry Eric, I didn't realize she has never been there for you since you got the cancer...what a shame.

Hugs,

Shelley

My husband was wonderful. He drove me to all of my treatments and never complained, although I know that it was very hard for him, since I had never been sick before, and the last time I had been hospitalized was when I gave birth. (The "baby" is now 31.) He has had some health issues the past few months, and now they found a mass on his pancreas. Hopefully, it will be OK.

Eric,

Fear has a way of immobilizing people. Maybe your wife is afraid for you and for herself. Some people won't talk about things because they think verbalizing will make the worst come true. Unfortunately for them, they don't realize that talking about their fears is a good thing and can release lots of tension. She may be afraid to say something that she thinks will upset you. It is hard as a caregiver to deal with the pressure of saying the wrong thing. I am assuming she is your caregiver. If she isn't, well some people just can't do that. They don't have the confidence to do what needs to be done. I know you are the one with cancer and you have been to hell and back. As a caregiver or a spouse, it is easy to fall into the trap that one's worries, concerns and fears are NOTHING compared to what the patient has been through.

Therapy helped me. I was so mired in my husband's cancer care, I lost myself. I hope that you can both work this out. Go for yourself, at least.

All the best--
Anita