My friends don't really call to do anything with me anymore, and I feel like I am begging if I call people. Maybe this is depression. My parents belong to a large church and even though I dont go (just not religious) they have had a lot of people calling them for updates on me and to wish me well which is great but I am SO isolated from people.

I just feel like I don't really have any true friends that care at all or even want to be around me. I try VERY hard to avoid the whole subject surrounding my illness because people get bored listening to your aches and pains and really, who cares about it anyway?

I guess I am venting because I dont know where else to go. Those of you on here who have husbands or wives or kids are so dang lucky. I never married and it wasnt for lack of trying to date or anything, I was just apparrently no ones cup of tea. I have no idea why and - yeah whatever it was never a big deal but being 40 and listening to everyone blab about how lucky they are to have their kids and spouses, I cant help but wonder why I have to do this alone, why I cant seem to build a decent base of friends, and why in the hell this had to happen to me in the first place. I am sick of making smart ass comments and trying to be funny and cavalier. I am also sick of day after day after day having to figure out how to cope when no one is there.
Not to mention the fact that never being much in the looks department to begin with, now I am gonna have these stupid scars and a stupid turkey wattle under my neck from the dissection that I have been told wont go away. Yeah. Thats just gonna add more fun to trying to be social when I look like a freak.

I guess I am in a bad bad place. Funny enough I woork in the healthcare field myself. I know too much about anti depressants to consider taking them, although I dont jusdge anyone that does, they arent for me. I dont know what is. Thanks for listening

Just remember you have a new family of friends here. And if people judge you, or pass you by because of a little waddle under your neck (repairable if you really wanted - not to big a deal) you really don't want to be with them anyway. Don't we teach our kids that it is what's inside that matters?

I have some single friends your age, never married. I never thought about them being lonely, they do not act like it. The seem to have rich lives, and I certainly don't think anything is wrong with them. Career took precedent in one case, in the other, she is so picky I can't believe she will ever find mister right. But there certainly isn't anything wrong with her.... Don't put being without a significant other on yourself.

I do empathize with your going through this treatment issue alone. That is tough. But even with a dedicated wife, I was depressed and withdrawn, and I was on "mother's little helpers" to keep my head on straight. If you are a healthcare person, you know that being "in a bad place" and real biological clinical depression, are two different things. And when it is happening to you , you cannot really make the right judgement that you are clinically depressed. There is no stigma to being on some seratonin re- uptake inhibitors. With all that you are dealing with, doing depression at the same time when there is something to help you through it, seems an unnecessary burden.

I can tell you that I weeded out my real friends from others in my treatment days. When we are sick with something serious, some people cannot deal with it. It reminds them of their own mortality and vulnerability to having something happen to them. Rather than support us, they keep their distance.... this crowd is no longer part of my circle. The true friends were there for me, put up with my moods, still cared about me even if I was treating them in less than kind ways... but I can count them on one hand. It wasn't easy to be my friend in those days.

And remember you can always vent her...

It's tough, Lisa, really tough. I can relate to some extent, as my husband and I are only children and we have no kids. We don't have much of a support system either. Gordon has me, but I've never felt so alone in my life.
Brian is right - you will find out who your friends really are in this situation. I have one friend I thought would be right in there pitching with me and I haven't seen her since Gordon's treatment began. Another one who lives a few doors away never even phones because she "doesn't want to bother us" and she "knows how busy we are". Translation - she doesn't want to deal with it. The friend who has been the most supportive is one who has recently completed 2 years of treatment for inflammatory breast cancer. You may end up being able to count the "true friends" on one hand, but they are worth their weight in gold. I really hope that you will find one person, just one, that you can trust enough to tell how you really feel. And you will find lots of support here. My heart goes out to you.
Anne

Lisa, you sound like a very intelligent, articulate person. You also sound like a great person to know and I wonder if there is some sort of cancer support group where you could talk to people with the same experience. (I sometimes think, here in NZ, that it would be easier to get breast cancer because there are support groups galore. I know no-one with oral cancer.)

You are so young to be going through this. You sound depressed - I've had cancer related depression so can understand oh so well where you are coming from.

After my first cancer I became depressed when I recovered, of all things. It's crazy:) Several people supported me when I was sick then backed off when I got better. I was still vulnerable and it hurt a lot. I took SRI antidepressants which were of great benefit to me. In fact I gained a sort of confidence I'd never had in my life before. So I can only sing the praises - although I'm trying to get off them now. I'm using cognitive behavioural therapy and spoke to a councillor who had been an experienced cancer nurse. She challenged my thinking.

You are not alone!

Lisa,

I was extremely handsome and popular before I got cancer(very humble too). I was a big shot career guy, very active in my local and regional community both politically and socially and had a TON of friends...very popular guy if do I say so myself...everybody knew me.

When I got sick the community I lived in was very supportive in a different way. It was "big news" in the local paper and it was a popular "fund raising" opportunity as people came out of the woodwork to write checks to help cover medical expenses etc...as you may've noticed I live in a small rural community much like Mayberry.

What I found though was when it came down to it, I had a ton of people I knew and very few friends. In fact, I could count the people that were "there" for me on one hand and really not use every digit. When it came down to it though...I felt totally alone as I had nobody that could relate to the thoughts and feelings I was having...or even to my situation as this was before I found OCF.

I have a wonderful family, my wife of 10 years and two small children and will say that it weighed very hard on me that they had to go through this experience because of me. The hardest thing I've ever done in life was tell my 7 year old son I had cancer and see him break down and cry and say "But Daddy I don't want you to die!"...that broke me. We still have him in counceling to help him deal with all that he's been through the past two years. Seeing the strain on my wife's face, even when she's trying to look strong, is something I still feel guilty about...knowing she had to go through it and pick up the shattered pieces of my children as well if I didn't make it.

What I'm trying to say, is the grass isn't as green on the other side. This is some tough shit to deal with no matter what the situation and I support using whatever means necessary to make it through. Reach out and find someone locally to be a caregiver...there are organizations out there that do just that...find them. But if you hear anything I say, hear this...USE US! Get on these forums to seek advice and support...Get on Facebook where many of us spend our time socializing and further developing relationships. I didn't find OCF until AFTER chemo/radiation and surgery...but the people here were instrumental in helping me cope with "the new normal" and also made me realize that the hand I was dealt wasn't impossible to win with.

Best wishes,

Eric

Lisa, you need some help. This isnt an easy thing to handle alone. Please go see your doc and get some anti-anxiety meds right away. Even if you dont think you need them, talk with the doc and see what they say.

Ive gone thru this 3 times and never once sat around asking 'WHY ME"? Sometimes life throws you a curve and you gotta pick yourself up and handle it even if you dont want to. Although I have children and was married a long long time ago, I still was pretty much alone the first 2 times. My kids were teenagers with their own agendas.

When ever you feel down, OCF will help support you. But people who dont help themselves cant be helped over a computer. Please see a therapist or someone who is familiar with all the stress cancer brings with it. Sometimes talking is the best medicine.

Some friends will unfortunately abandon you. Its like you are contagious. Dont be afraid to pick up the phone and go out. Enjoy simple things like a walk in the beautiful springtime weather. Its amazing how much good a walk in the park can do. You will meet so many new people and make alot of new friends with this journey. Who knows what the future holds. There are lots of single doctors out there

Dont even worry about scars. Thats something you have no control over. I used to be an attractive woman, now Im very far from that. Everyone who knows me, knows the real me and isnt affected by my looks. Ive had some strange looks given to me since my surgery, but Im still here which is the most important. Maybe down the road I can get some surgery to reconstruct my neck and jaw, but until that day comes, Im ok with how I am. I walk thru the park with my head held high and let people stare all they want. If they want to ask me about it, I would gladly tell them Im a 3x cancer survivor who is lucky to be here.

Best of luck with everything. Please keep posting, it will help.

Lisa,

Carol's support group is me and our four-legged kids. Her brother lives on the west coast but calls once a week, which boosts Carol's spirits. Our good friends moved to Georgia, a 7 hr drive, but they call when they can (more financial than "they can't be bothered"). And our landlord comes by once a week asking if there's anything Carol needs. (Rent free would be nice, LOL.) I'll run into someone at the store saying they have been meaning to stop by....I quit telling Carol I ran into them, she would say screw them, but I knew it upset her. These were friends Carol had helped when they needed it. And as a caregiver my support group is a phone call to my Mom who lives up North. All these people say Carol's in good hands, but "what if?", I shudder to think and block it from my mind.

It is unfortunately very true a person can count their true friends on one hand....some say 2 is a real blessing.

Oral cancer is a hard disease to go through, both physically and emotionally, no one should have to go through it alone. People can be so selfish....I want to reach out and bop them in the head!

Linda

Hi Lisa. I feel how lonely and sad you feel just reading your post. Don't give up on finding Mr. Right and good for you for not settling. I am my husband's first wife and he was 45 when we got married. He was never engaged and never lived with anyone. I remind him every once in a while that it just took him longer to find the "perfect" wife for himself. I know it must be lonely going through this without a lot of friends and family to support you. As a caregiver I also felt very lonely and frustrated during John's treatments. People I work with stopped asking how he was doing, his 2 sisters who live 10 minutes away never called and people who I thought were friends just didn't bother. We fortunately had my sister, brother, sister in law and John's best friend who helped with getting John back and forth to treatments.

I lost my mom 2 1/2 years ago to pancreatic cancer and I don't really have any close girlfriends so it was a very, very lonely time for me also. I guess sometimes people don't know what to say or do so they don't do anything.

If you are on Facebook, let me know what your full name is on there and we can be Facebook friends. A lot of us on here have become Facebook friends and that helps to not feel so isolated. Keep posting and reaching out here and don't be afraid to ask for help or to ask for pharmaceutal help if you need it. Cancer is very depressing and I think it would be abnormal not to feel some depression.

Lisa,

You are getting some great advice here. I also think you should see your family doctor and tell him/her how lonely and isolated you feel. I went through a similar experience a year ago. I remember sobbing with my doctor, I felt like I had hit bottom and could not find my way out of that pit. I am on an antidepressant, and went to cognitive therapy, and also joined a support group for family members with cancer. All of it has made the difference. I feel like I got myself back.

This is the time for you to explore those things, that for years you had an interest in, but said "someday". You never know how a casual conversation can blossom into a lifelong friendship. You have much to offer others. You may not know what that is but with some time it will become clear. Don't give up.

OCF is a wonderful group of people who will support you always. I am looking forward to meeting some of my OCF buddies for the first time on April 24th when we will all participate in an event in Philly.

All my best--
Anita

Lisa

I'm a very tough guy and I cried when I read your post. There are no easy answers. You can see from all the advice given here that your story has touched many others. The only silver lining in this dark cloud is to realize that being abandoned by "friends" is all too common an occurence for oral cancer patients so you are NOT alone in that regard. Many of us who are blessed with caregivers supportive loved ones also feel very guilty about the pain we are inadvertently causing them. There is no good way to get oral cancer, not alone nor with the support of others. Take some time and read the stories here so you can start to believe that there is indeed a light at the end of this tunnel.
Keep the Faith
Charm