My older daughter passed my mom in town and saw her smoking! I am so frightened and mad as hell!! My daughter, Jackie, called me in tears earlier telling me; I felt so bad for her.
I am numb and angry at the same time...is that possible? When I spoke with my mother she was defensive-I expected that.
Jackie came in after seeing her in town and went to my mom's room and lit a cigarette (jackie doesn't smoke) and casually asked my mom if she wanted one? Wow, I miss this smell and proceeded to blow smoke all over mom's room. She said my mom told her to stop and that Poppy, my dad, would be mad at her. Jackie then walked to den with cigarette and my dad was confused at first then he yelled at her. She told him she thought they both were dumb and was disappointed that they smoked.
Prior to doing all that she went to my moms car and took any lighters, matches and ashtray and put them on dashboard along with lidocaine, and lymphedema wraps!! Mom couldn't pull away until dashboard was cleared. Great statement in my opinion.
When my mom called me earlier I couldn't talk to her. She asked me what was wrong? I told her she knew the answer and that I didn't want to discuss it with her. I am so mad and upset, I literally feel ill.

WOW. That daughter of yours has some spirit!! You dun gud raising that one Be proud of her.

About your Mom's smoking - I can certainly understand your disappointment. No doubt you feel that after all you, as a caregiver has been through - all the tears and all the sleepless nights, etc, HOW COULD SHE????????????

I have heard people say that breaking the nicoting habit is worse than breaking a heroin addiction. I don't know if that is true but I do know what many people relapse many times before they finally butt out forever.

Time for a chat with your mom. Tell her how you feel. Ask what you can do to help her make this quit her forever quit. Your kids will see that you are still there for people you love - even when they royally screw up.

You are such a caring person - I can only imagine how disappointed in her you are.

Forgive and move to helping her be forever smoke free.

Hugs

Donna

Donna,
Thanks for your advice, and for the compliment-my Jackie is a piece of work!
I haven't given up on Mom; part of me is frustrated, the other part scared. I know quitting smoking is difficult, I know it used to help curb her appetite, but c'mon!! Really? Smoking??ugh...
I will never give up on her, just scared I guess. Tonight when she and dad came in she didn't even stop to talk to me. I guess she is ashamed. I purposedly did not comment much on the situation, needed time. I can't imagine how much it must hurt mentally to light up after 2 yrs, to need that smoke so badly.
Well, I am exhausted. Thanks for being here for me-as always!! Need sleep

Just a few minutes ago I spoke with my mom; dad took her out for breakfast and for the third time in a row she couldn't eat. Would it be ok for me to scream out maybe its from smoking?? I am so upset today. I literally can't calm down. When she was first diagnosed I was so frightened, today I feel pure anger. I look at all of you here and feel like I shouldn't be here, like her falling down makes me think I should give up. What's more is that I think my father has known about her smoking. I am so fracking mad right now and I don't know what to do with my anger. I refuse to be an enabler, don't know how to deal with any of this.

Donna,

All I can say is that I would be in the same place you are with this. Your Mom's illness took so much of you and out of you and at this point you feel like, "Why the heck did I bother??"

Yes, I do think that whether it makes a difference or...I would be saying something to her loudly. She leaned on you when she needed your help..all bets are off on tip toeing around this.

JMHO,

Deb

Tell your Mom for me that I too went back to smoking just ONE cigarrette a day about 6 months post radiation. Four years later I got to be a total laryngectomee and am lucky it wasn't worse. Maybe that is something she can look forward to.

Right now I'd like to shoot my husband who finally quit last summer when he got dental implants. Two weeks ago I found a half a dozen butts in the bottom of the garbage bag and asked where these came from. He said he had finally emptied the car ash tray. I knew that had been done last summer, but let it go. Yesterday I get into the car and check the ash tray and it is again overflowing. He still says he is not smoking. Yeh, right.

I imagine what happened to your Mom was she was out with friends who smoked and figured just one wouldn't hurt or she was put in a very stressful situation that brought on the nicotine urge. I have experienced both. However, I haven't had one since the surgery in 2001 and have no desire to smoke.

How much is she smoking and when? If she can identify the reason and address it, she may be able to avoid the situation that triggers the urge and make it easier to quit again. Tell her I found out the hard way, and like an alcoholic, EVEN ONE CIG IS ONE TOO MANY. She went through too much pain to do this to herself again, but only she can make herself quit.

Take care,
Eileen

Hi Deb and Eileen! Thanks. I feel like someone kicked me in the stomach and am just so frightened for her. My girls don't deserve to witness this again. My younger child lost both of Eddie's parents in under 18 months; last night she cried out of fear. I am going to pront out what you wrote Eileen-mom is more of a visual listener, if you understand that? I can talk but she can't pay attention it seems. Maybe she will be understand what you wrote by reading it herself. I hope your experience helps her-awakens her.
Debbie- I am ready to come and hide in your spare room!!! Florida is calling my name more and more. Lost my new job, boss wasn't getting paid by insurance companies, tired of taking care of peope who won't listen and am ready to hang up my cg title. I have two beautiful girls who deserve to be free of fear. A man who loves me and who has stood by me in no matter what conditions. I want to be me-me 15 yrs ago, prior to all the fears and illnesses my family has endured.
I sound so selfish don't I?

I hoped you print it off and give it to her. If she wants to talk or meet, I'll give you my number. I'm only across the river. I could meet you at the Yardley Inn. I do hope she stops again and that this is only a temporary lapse.

Take a deep breath,
Eileen

Hey Donna,

You aren't selfish...you are just DONE! I totally understand. I have had to pick myself up once or twice over the last year...financial crap...my mother...and three days after the last vestiges of Bill's cancer removed (his port) someone backed into him and broke his foot that now won't heal. Calgon take me away..! So I understand for sure where you are.

But the house still stands and my spare bedroom just got a long overdue makeover so come on down!!

Deb

You are not selfish. It ticks me off to see smokers period. Do they not know what they are doing to their bodies? Do they just not care? Sorry to you former or current smokers. I do not smoke and never have and got screwed with this crap.