My older daughter passed my mom in town and saw her smoking! I am so frightened and mad as hell!! My daughter, Jackie, called me in tears earlier telling me; I felt so bad for her.
I am numb and angry at the same time...is that possible? When I spoke with my mother she was defensive-I expected that.
Jackie came in after seeing her in town and went to my mom's room and lit a cigarette (jackie doesn't smoke) and casually asked my mom if she wanted one? Wow, I miss this smell and proceeded to blow smoke all over mom's room. She said my mom told her to stop and that Poppy, my dad, would be mad at her. Jackie then walked to den with cigarette and my dad was confused at first then he yelled at her. She told him she thought they both were dumb and was disappointed that they smoked.
Prior to doing all that she went to my moms car and took any lighters, matches and ashtray and put them on dashboard along with lidocaine, and lymphedema wraps!! Mom couldn't pull away until dashboard was cleared. Great statement in my opinion.
When my mom called me earlier I couldn't talk to her. She asked me what was wrong? I told her she knew the answer and that I didn't want to discuss it with her. I am so mad and upset, I literally feel ill.

WOW. That daughter of yours has some spirit!! You dun gud raising that one Be proud of her.

About your Mom's smoking - I can certainly understand your disappointment. No doubt you feel that after all you, as a caregiver has been through - all the tears and all the sleepless nights, etc, HOW COULD SHE????????????

I have heard people say that breaking the nicoting habit is worse than breaking a heroin addiction. I don't know if that is true but I do know what many people relapse many times before they finally butt out forever.

Time for a chat with your mom. Tell her how you feel. Ask what you can do to help her make this quit her forever quit. Your kids will see that you are still there for people you love - even when they royally screw up.

You are such a caring person - I can only imagine how disappointed in her you are.

Forgive and move to helping her be forever smoke free.

Hugs

Donna

Donna,
Thanks for your advice, and for the compliment-my Jackie is a piece of work!
I haven't given up on Mom; part of me is frustrated, the other part scared. I know quitting smoking is difficult, I know it used to help curb her appetite, but c'mon!! Really? Smoking??ugh...
I will never give up on her, just scared I guess. Tonight when she and dad came in she didn't even stop to talk to me. I guess she is ashamed. I purposedly did not comment much on the situation, needed time. I can't imagine how much it must hurt mentally to light up after 2 yrs, to need that smoke so badly.
Well, I am exhausted. Thanks for being here for me-as always!! Need sleep

Just a few minutes ago I spoke with my mom; dad took her out for breakfast and for the third time in a row she couldn't eat. Would it be ok for me to scream out maybe its from smoking?? I am so upset today. I literally can't calm down. When she was first diagnosed I was so frightened, today I feel pure anger. I look at all of you here and feel like I shouldn't be here, like her falling down makes me think I should give up. What's more is that I think my father has known about her smoking. I am so fracking mad right now and I don't know what to do with my anger. I refuse to be an enabler, don't know how to deal with any of this.

Donna,

All I can say is that I would be in the same place you are with this. Your Mom's illness took so much of you and out of you and at this point you feel like, "Why the heck did I bother??"

Yes, I do think that whether it makes a difference or...I would be saying something to her loudly. She leaned on you when she needed your help..all bets are off on tip toeing around this.

JMHO,

Deb

Tell your Mom for me that I too went back to smoking just ONE cigarrette a day about 6 months post radiation. Four years later I got to be a total laryngectomee and am lucky it wasn't worse. Maybe that is something she can look forward to.

Right now I'd like to shoot my husband who finally quit last summer when he got dental implants. Two weeks ago I found a half a dozen butts in the bottom of the garbage bag and asked where these came from. He said he had finally emptied the car ash tray. I knew that had been done last summer, but let it go. Yesterday I get into the car and check the ash tray and it is again overflowing. He still says he is not smoking. Yeh, right.

I imagine what happened to your Mom was she was out with friends who smoked and figured just one wouldn't hurt or she was put in a very stressful situation that brought on the nicotine urge. I have experienced both. However, I haven't had one since the surgery in 2001 and have no desire to smoke.

How much is she smoking and when? If she can identify the reason and address it, she may be able to avoid the situation that triggers the urge and make it easier to quit again. Tell her I found out the hard way, and like an alcoholic, EVEN ONE CIG IS ONE TOO MANY. She went through too much pain to do this to herself again, but only she can make herself quit.

Take care,
Eileen

Hi Deb and Eileen! Thanks. I feel like someone kicked me in the stomach and am just so frightened for her. My girls don't deserve to witness this again. My younger child lost both of Eddie's parents in under 18 months; last night she cried out of fear. I am going to pront out what you wrote Eileen-mom is more of a visual listener, if you understand that? I can talk but she can't pay attention it seems. Maybe she will be understand what you wrote by reading it herself. I hope your experience helps her-awakens her.
Debbie- I am ready to come and hide in your spare room!!! Florida is calling my name more and more. Lost my new job, boss wasn't getting paid by insurance companies, tired of taking care of peope who won't listen and am ready to hang up my cg title. I have two beautiful girls who deserve to be free of fear. A man who loves me and who has stood by me in no matter what conditions. I want to be me-me 15 yrs ago, prior to all the fears and illnesses my family has endured.
I sound so selfish don't I?

I hoped you print it off and give it to her. If she wants to talk or meet, I'll give you my number. I'm only across the river. I could meet you at the Yardley Inn. I do hope she stops again and that this is only a temporary lapse.

Take a deep breath,
Eileen

Hey Donna,

You aren't selfish...you are just DONE! I totally understand. I have had to pick myself up once or twice over the last year...financial crap...my mother...and three days after the last vestiges of Bill's cancer removed (his port) someone backed into him and broke his foot that now won't heal. Calgon take me away..! So I understand for sure where you are.

But the house still stands and my spare bedroom just got a long overdue makeover so come on down!!

Deb

You are not selfish. It ticks me off to see smokers period. Do they not know what they are doing to their bodies? Do they just not care? Sorry to you former or current smokers. I do not smoke and never have and got screwed with this crap.

You are not selfish Donna - and you know that. No one could have been a better care giver, but having said that everyone has their breaking point, and for you - this is it. I really think you need to sit down with your Mom and explain how you feel. She is a big girl now - responsible for her own actions, and while you remain ready to help - you cannot and will not condone or accept the current situation. Explain it to her just the way you did her. Your anger comes from your fear of loosing her. I am sure she will understand that.

There are many options for people who want to quit smoking - from Wellbutrin to patches to inhalers to cold turkey. Tell her to pick one and you will be there to hold her hand - so long as she is smoke free.

Good luck.

Donna (the "Other" Donna)

(Loved the use of "frack" - made me laugh out loud!)

[quote=Pandora99] Your anger comes from your fear of loosing her. I am sure she will understand that. [/quote]

I don't know Pandora...the fear of losing possibly...but I would just be pissed off that I spent two years and countless sleepless nights and very hard days trying to get someone well only to have that thrown in the garbage. There was plenty else that DonnaRose could have been doing instead of nursing her Mom if she thought that it was for no use. I would simply be pissed off at that.

Deb

As the original OLD FRACK, let me add a totally hippie perspective to this. If your MOM is totally ADDICTED to NICOTINE and is not willing to shake it, please consider trying to MTIGATE the damage by getting her to buy a VOLCANO VAPORIZER.
If you have been following some of the posts by EricS & myself, you will know that the Volcano Vaporizer which was originally intended for Medical Marijuana users, also works quite efficiently on Tobacco. It's hard core German Engineering that vaporizes the active ingredients in either Tobacco or Marijuana into a non combusted vapor. The University of San Francisco and others have documented that this vapor (not smoke) system avoids the Cancer causing carcinogens of smoking. NO DOUBT THAT QUITTING SMOKING is the very best and optimal solution here. Still, as human beings, we are often weak in the face of addictions. If your Mom is hell bent on getting that Nicotine HIGH, buy her a Vaporizer. I fervently hope she will listen to reason and just quit, but it is a wicked world we live in. Realize this is an AWFUL alternative, but better than sucking down those cigarette carcinogens.

Thanks. I don't think it was anything major-though to me, even a drag is major. She said she has only done it once and a while...which makes me think it could be more often, but I don't know. I don't know if its a drag or a whole cigarette. She told me again today she will never smoke again. I don't like to be pacified, nor do I feel comfortable making judgements. I'm scared. I probably sound na�ve. I feel idiotic because I just don't understand how someone who's tongue is falling off more from severe necrosis would do something like this-whether it be a drag or the whole darn cigarette. She said that she has been so stressed, hungry and in great pain. I couldn't respond, I bet I probably had a nasty look glaze over my eyes. I don't want to be like this but seems I can't find control. The other thing is now I am worried, what if she started something up? I am mad as hell. I will look into the vaporizer, that sounds terrific. Thank you.

Donna.
Your extra information leads me to believe that the nicotine patches would be far better. Yesterday was tough for me as it would have been my Mom's 88th birthday except that she died in 2001 and as usual I was wracked with "shouldve/couldves" on what we as her children did for her health (hence my over the top suggestion). She smoked cigarettes from the age of 14 and never got any type of cancer, not head and neck, and not even lung cancer. Smoking is so bad however that it did cause emphysema and she couldn't catch her breath enough so she ended up on oxygen the last year of her life. We started buying those stop smoking nicotine patches for Christmas and they helped her. As I said, quitting smoking is the very best thing and it sounds like quitting is doable for your Mom. The patches are available OTC
Charm

Donna,
Forget the vaporizor if she is only having an occasional cigarette. Once she gets the nicotine back in her system, she is likely to start smoking full time. I also woundn't recommend the patch for the same reason if this is really an occasional smoke.

The problem with the occasional cigarette is the pack gets stale very quickly so they burn much hotter and therefore are even more dangerous. Can you find out from your father when it started and how much she is really smoking? If this is really occasional, she can probably beat it without any aids.

Take care,
Eileen

Donna

Here is new study on quitting smoking from yesterday's Washington Post
[quote]SMOKING CESSATION

Quitting may work best with a combination treatment.

THE QUESTION Do medication-based aids to help people quit smoking -- a nicotine patch, nicotine lozenge, the drug bupropion -- differ in their effectiveness?

THIS STUDY involved 1,504 adults who smoked at least 10 cigarettes a day and wanted to quit. They were randomly assigned to use one of six treatments: a 24-hour nicotine patch, nicotine lozenges several times a day, sustained-release bupropion (an antidepressant marketed as the stop-smoking aid Zyban), the patch and lozenges together, bupropion and lozenges together, or a placebo. Treatments were taken for eight to 12 weeks, and participants also had six individual counseling sessions. While treatments were being used, people in three groups -- the patch, patch plus lozenge and bupropion plus lozenge -- had more success quitting than those in the placebo group. However, six months later, only people who had used the patch and the lozenges together had a better success rate than those who had taken the placebo. At that point, 40 percent of the patch-plus-lozenge group had quit, compared with 22 percent of the placebo group.
ad_icon

WHO MAY BE AFFECTED? Smokers who want to quit. An estimated 20 percent of U.S. adults smoke cigarettes regularly. Government health experts predict that half of those who do not quit smoking will die of a smoking-related problem.

CAVEATS The authors suggested that participants might have been more motivated to quit smoking than the average smoker, evidenced by the relatively high quit rate in the placebo group after six months. People using lozenges, which required the highest number of daily treatments, were most likely to skip treatments. Zyban carries a government-mandated warning of the possibility of behavioral or mood changes, including suicidal thoughts, in some people. All medications were provided by GlaxoSmithKline.

FIND THIS STUDY November issue of Archives of General Psychiatry.

LEARN MORE ABOUT quitting smoking at http://www.smokefree.gov and http://www.lungusa.org.

-- Linda Searing

The research described in Quick Study comes from credible, peer-reviewed journals. Nonetheless, conclusive evidence about a treatment's effectiveness is rarely found in a single study. Anyone considering changing or beginning treatment of any kind should consult with a physician.

[/quote]

I am sorry that you are going thought this with your Mum Donna.
So sad that you have lost a little more trust in her again.
I was reading another thread from you in November where she was caught out before and I appreciate how you must be feeling.
As a few here have pointed out it is a tough addiction and maybe she may need some professional help?
BTW I sympathise with her as well.
I was one of those addicts that stopped the night before surgery. Have not had so much as a puff since then as I am honestly scared that could be the start. I have a few other incentives why that is not going to happen. One is the look of my parents face in ICU the day after surgery and they have since told me I was practically unrecognisable (I did not see myself for around a week but I still feel guilty at the shock I must have given them an my sister). I also thought to myself if I was ever tempted I would just look at the crater in my wrist and that would pull me up.
Luckily it is getting close to 4 years now and I really rarely think about it.
Wish I could be more help Donna except to say I understand how you must be feeling.
Have you thought about counselling for her? There may even be some professional help available from the hospital team she would still be seeing?
Love
Gabriele

Thank you Gabriele...In hindsight, I wish I had taken some pictures when mom was in recovery. A pic would be worth more than a thousand words.