I don't know where to start. I've been crying for 24 hours. I can't stop. So much for being strong. I'm crying because he is suffering and depressed. I'm crying because I'm going to miss him. I have so much to say and so much has happened this past week. When I look at him, I stare at him. I look at him and he is not the same man that he was a year ago, not even two months ago. What about tomorrow, I wonder ? Can I get through all of this, I wonder ? Should I put him through more Erbitux and then the cyber knife ? How do I know when he's had enough ? He sleeps most of the day away and only taking 1500 calories thru the Peg. How do I know when I need hospice ? He is still able to walk from bed to chair and watch TV. He can't talk because the cancer is now in his jawbone. I had a scare Weds evening, the day of his Erbitux treatment and had to call the ambulance. I knew he was up and I was waiting for him to walk down the hallway. He never came. I walked into the bedroom and he was laying on his back with his legs dangling. He couldn't walk and he was wetting himself. His blood and urine checked out okay and he was discharged. I thought it was due to the Erbitux as it was his first treatment, but the doctor said that it wasn't and thought that it was probably the "I.V." that they give him before the treatment. Can't think of the name right now. Think it began with a "D". I try not to cry in front of him, but I did last night and he said to me "I know I'm dieing"....His mom lives with us and she had 3 sons. Two have passed (so sad) and now she has to see him so sick. I wonder what he's thinking ? I don't ask because I'm afraid of what I might hear. I hate this disease..........I want to scream ! he was so active, hard worker and built us a beautiful cabin overlooking the allegheny river. That place was his life. He worked so so hard and now it's like a memory to him. would I ever be able to go back there without him.? Why do I act like he is gone ? He is still living. I'm really having a difficult time and still sobbing while typing this. I'm sure it's all jumbled up and makes no sense whatsoever--------and I'm sorry. Even though I have a wonderful family with lots of siblings and lots of support, I try not to cry in front of them and kinda hide my feelings, but here I LET IT ALL OUT.....Love you all. Claudia