Hello to all, well I cried and cried wanting to get into speech. I am there. However it has been so long since I have moved the muscles around my mouth that it hurts so bad I just cry!! Let us not forget that I can still hardly open my mouth! Dammit I as so damm mad, how did this all happen! I sat in the thearpists office and cried. I didn't get a thing done. I have to use a passy muir value to talk, however I cannot hardly breathe with it on. I feel like just saying to hell with this and sit in the house until it is my time to go. I have been fighting this shit for so long now that I just feel that all my juice is gone. My mouth hurts so bad and I cannot take anymore than I already do of morphine. But hey, I am doing GREAT, Bull you know what!!!. I just had to talk to someone, I am about to bust!. I hate the way everyone acts like this is going to be okay soon. It isn't, why do they act like it is. What am I stupid now? That it is going to take a lot of effort on mu part! Duh! Do they not have any idea how much I give everyday just to get up out of bed! That is the biggest effort of all. For what to set here in this misery for another day. The trache that needs to be cleaned an hundred times today. The tube feedings every three hours. All the medicines that I have to take. Oh yes that is fun. I don't even want to hear that at least I am alive to do these things, please do not say this to me. This is not living, this is HELL. Living is going out and enjoying your friends and family. Living is sleeping with you husband and loving him. Living is being able to talk and eat. Just because a heart beats does not mean you are alive. God please help me thru this, please.....miss vicki