Nicki,

It sounds like you are getting some good use out of that prayer garden! This is difficult for me to say but keep in mind that you both are experiencing a very major loss in your lives...you old lives. Each of us grieves in our own way and we constantly travel through all the stages of grief on our own accord. The most important thing is for you to grieve and heal in your own way and let Tom grieve and heal in his own way. Work is a great distraction to allow you to refocus on life. The greatest thing about walking through the front door at work each day is that just before you leave your car, you can release all thoughts about what is going on. The neat thing is that when you return after you leave work, all the stuff will be waiting right where you left it. Take the moment that is presented to you to empty the reservoir. Refill it when you leave work. I know it sounds easy but it will take some time. Spend five minutes or so in your car before you go in to work and let it all go. Tell youself you will focus on work and nothing else. In a short period of time you will soon find that your attitude towards this horrible disease will improve and you will enjoy everything a bit more.

As I remember it, as the treatment subsided, I hated being away from Susan for even minutes at a time. I had a friend from church come over and we watched movies together. Actually, he watched movies while I slept! The time passed and I soon adapted to the differences in life.

Tom is so fortunate to have you and you are fortunate to have him. Crying at what seems like nothing is also part of the grieving process. When it changes to crying all the time, that is a sign if needing to call in the big guns. A cancer psychiatrist is trained to deal with all the issues both of you are going through and do not feel weak or less than if you have to ask for someone specially trained to help you process all you have both been through. This is not some little event in your lives.

I am praying for His healing hands, His comfort and peace for you and Tom.

Ed

SCC Stage IV, BOT, T2N2bM0
Cisplatin/5FU x 3, 40 days radiation
Diagnosis 07/21/03 tx completed 10/08/03
Post Radiation Lower Motor Neuron Syndrome 3/08.
Cervical Spinal Stenosis 01/11
Cervical Myelitis 09/12
Thoracic Paraplegia 10/12
Dysautonomia 11/12
Hospice care 09/12-01/13.
COPD 01/14
Intermittent CHF 6/15
Feeding tube NPO 03/16
VFI 12/2016
ORN 12/2017
Cardiac Event 06/2018
Bilateral VFI 01/2021
Thoracotomy Bilobectomy 01/2022
Bilateral VFI 05/2022
Total Laryngectomy 01/2023