Well, still no voice. I'm still pissed off about the man who kept calling to give me the delivery of food. Guess I could write them a nice letter. I suppose the fool I was dealing with OWNS the company? Nothing in this surreal world will surprise me. The surgeon performed one of those painful scope and chokes on me despite my radiated and scabby flesh. After blinking off the tears he says that the tumor is no longer there, but they will need to do the neck surgery on the nodes. I don't want surgery scheduled at all until I've turned some sort of corner. As it is now, I don't have ANY good days at all or good nights. We also spent another two hours because he wanted a CT scan of the nodes anyway.

I forgot to explain one other thing. My one close local friend sort of ran off on me as soon as she found out that I had cancer. I tried to make excuses for this thinking she couldn't handle the news, but have since come to a different conclusion. She's upset because I can't DO anything for her at the moment. She called me up wanting to know if I was mad at her, and then I asked her if she got the card from me for her birthday. Can you believe she was upset with ME? because I hadn't sent her anything for her birthday? She finally found the card and the gift certificate, but other than that I've pretty much forgotten what she looks like. She just doesn't give a crap because I cannot go out for lunch at Chili's and rip some mudslides or margaritas with her. In fact, despite the fact that I eat through a tube, she wanted my spouse and me to accompany her and her boyfriend out to dinner so we could what else.... celebrate her and her birthday. She also called, talked to me for one minute with the customary how are you doing? and then asked to speak with my husband about this computer she wanted to buy. She spoke to my husband for 30 minutes without even mentioning me, or asking about how I was doing, it was all about what she needed in a new computer system. When he hung up the phone, he shook his head and went "Geeze, what a piece of work."

Anyway, I'm dealing with alot. Mucho pain, not much relief. I just want to hop around the corner to mending and I still feel like I'm just putting one foot in front of the other and getting through it. Guess I could grasp the "no tumor" as good news.

If I got my voice back, I'd feel a major victory here. The dr. told me today I won't feel good for another four weeks. That's exactly around when I go through the neck dissection. I don't think I'm going to make it to "feeling good" before they toss me in the hospital for the next step. I just know I won't survive it if they do it when I'm feeling this poorly.

Jen