It's been almost 6 months since my father past away at 52 and still very anger and depressed. I've posted several times here and have found it is okay to vent here. It does seem to be getting better but had a set back last week. Visited my fathers house for the first time since he died at home and was also there. His wife (whom I don't care for) rented his trailer out so I spoke with the new tenent and he was very understanding and said to feel free to come by whenever. Well the wife got wind of my visit there and left me a nasty message on my machine telling me I had no right to be there and she threatened to call the cops also accused me of thinking of no one but myself. Well this woman did nothing throughout my fathers battle, I did it all including financally. She had the nerve to scattered my fathers ashes without me and there was no funeral, viewing or anything of such. So I missed out on closure with that. Mind you she had only been married 2 years and 1 1/2 years of that he was sick but couldn't deal with hospitals or doctors because it made her uncomfortable. So needless to say I was really ticked to hear her accuse me of thinking of nothing but myself. The hate I feel for this woman is so strong that I sometimes worry what will happen when I do come face to face with her. I have tried to catch her in her local hang out ( a bar of course) but haven't. And this was the first time since the week after my dad died i have even heard from her. She has played the grieving widow for a long time now, even though she moved her boyfriend in my fathers trailer a month after his death and even before his ashes where picked up from the funeral home which she would not allow me to do. The only way I find comfort is to think that my father is watching from above and knows what she is and that is why 2 months before he died he told my fiance he buried something for me for when i got married because he new he wouldn't be here. And gods honest truth I finally got what he buried and it was a letter and money. Which he had to hide from her all the time (she was an ex iv drug user) to make sure he could buy his ensure. But she tried her hardest to find what he buried but there was only one person who new where it was. I assume my father didn't trust anyone except my boyfriend to give it to me which i did have to have him dig up before i got married because i felt very strongly about there being a letter, I didn't care about any money but he did leave me 1000.00 which i decided to put a down payment on my engagement ring so now it has even extra special meaning. But the letter meant more to me than anything to know he wrote it aleast two months prior to dying and cared enough to want me to have the greatest gift i could have recieved on my wedding day. Obviously you can tell my father and i were very close it was more of a best friend relationship because he wasn't like most fathers. He never scolded me or punished me as a child and as an adult we hung out together and partied like friends only he was very protective of his baby. He would listen to me, but not tell me what to do but offer suggestions. I basically grew up in the bars with him learning to shoot pool and then i guess around 13 he had me playing for money. He was I guess a cood dad.
Still to this day i often try to pick up the phone to call him and even dreamed the other day that he staged his own death because didn't want people to see how sick he was and then somehow months later came home all better, in my dream i remember being pissed for him putting me through this hell but estatic he was alive. Oh god how I wished it wasn't a dream. I do know he will always be alive in my heart but i just feel so damned cheated that he was taken a such a young age.
I also feel guily for searching for help for him and encouraging him throughout the course of treatments to not give up that things would only get better under false pretense from doctors. That i put him through hell and torture the last year and 1/2 of his life. 85 radiation treatment above the neck and chemo every week and frequent hospial stays from dehydration due to the rad, a peg wasn't put in until the last 3 months when he reached 100 lbs which i did beg for months prior.
I do receive phone calls from newly diagnosed patients now which the doctor (ent) refers then to me because of countless hours of research on various program which i pass on to these people. Which makes me happy if i can help anyone going through or are going to go through what he did. I find it rewarding that hopefully some of my efforts will help someone else.
I am very sorry for ranting and raving but have no where else to turn. This was my first experience with losing a loved one so close and dear to my heart and not to mention the suffering he experiened for so long that for being 30 years old I feel like a child and not sure of whats normal feelings or from what im told dwelling on the past.

Thank for listening and god bless you all because I have felt very comfortable expressing myself here on this forum.

Kelly