Hi all. Could have sworn I had an account here, but it may have been a while back. Anyway, intro. I live in France, I am a translator and project manager, with an IT background. I was diagnosed with stage 4 tonsil cancer end of 2009, which had spread to the tongue, had successful surgery, tongue flap, neck dissection etc., radiotherapy with chemo, all the horrors of the saliva problems, enteral nutrition, re-education for swallowing/speech etc. Wonderful, wonderful teams in the hospitals here. Cannot give them enough praise. Also post-hospital care fantastic, I consider myself very lucky.

Welll, not really. Had first metastasis in right lung in 2012, they removed a small section through key-hole surgery. The next year that showed not to have been adequate, they removed the upper half of the lung. Again, some powerful re-education. That was 18 months ago, more or less. Now I have an enlarged lymph node in the area surrounding the oesophagus, in the same area as the lung metastases were, so it didn't manage to clear it. They have decided that I need chemotheraphy, I see the consultant on the 27th.

I have breathing probs from obstruction - not massive, but noticeable; I get really really bad headaches - well, they are sort of neck/jaw aches that spread - which are certainly partly stress related, and partly the continuing effects of the radiotherapy - I could do with some more physio, I think - but generally, everything seems to be swelling up a bit in sympathy. I am tired. That old tired feeling, yeah. And this time... I cannot drum up the positivity. I put all my effort and will-power and belief into my previous bouts and worked so hard to get back to health, emotionally as well as physically; and I believed. But the chemo route this time... I feel it is the 'we don't know where to look so we'll just zap it all and hope' path. I am hoping that the consultant will jog me out of this attitude, but I am also reaching out here to try to perk myself up and to make myself stop moping, maybe by giving some others some positive experience feedback and tips - because I'm quite a jolly person by nature, and I love helping others. But just a warning, I'm probably more needy than giving right now!

So, although it is naff circumstances to have to 'meet' you all in - because you are all suffering or have all suffered from some form of this pernicious malady and it's really no fun, is it? - nevertheless, I hope we can help eachother out and gain strength from and enjoy the community.