A good friend of ours has tongue cancer (stage IV) and is undergoing agressive radiation and chemo. He is on a feeding tube and has difficulty swallowing even small amounts of water. After this weeks treatment, he will most likely not be able to talk.

All of his friends have been struggling with what to get him while he is in the hospital. There has been the usual helping out the family with kids, food, and the like, but we don't know what to get for him. Obviously food and flowers are not a good idea. I was thinking of getting a small white board with dry erase markers so he could communicate, and perhaps a book and some crossword puzzles, gift card for the wife to help buy things... Doesn't sound to creative though. Maybe the family just needs money, but I don't want to ask that. As a patient going through this, what was the best thing you received from friends/family?

TIA!

Good Question.

For me it was last Thanksgiving when I was right in the middle of my radiation treatments. I was able to have all of my family here at the house for the holiday and my co-workers surprised us with suppling Thanksgiving Dinner and I do mean everything you can imagine. No I couldn't eat, but being able to watch my wife relax a bit (she was at my side the whole way) and have the kids, close family and friends here was a real treat.

Don't think for a minute that the cards, flowers and gifts didn't mean anything, they do, but that will be a holiday I will not soon forget.

Kevin

I don't know about your friend's situation but when our 22 year old son was diagnosed we received several helpful gifts. Because he was still really just a kid, he had no savings to speak of - we're covering the deductible ($$$$ because of out of network). There's also the cost of traveling to and from appointments (300 miles each time, gas+tolls+parking+at least one meal= $100 a trip). And paying our son's bills while he was unable to work. Gifts of money, gas cards and gift cards to a discount store really (really, really, really) helped.

He was also given gift cards to a local video rental store. That was great too - we watched a lot of movies while he was stuck at home recovering.

To be honest though, the cards, the letters, the phonecalls, the visits, the e-mails, the prayer-lists, while not tangible items -- these were all precious to us too. As long as you let your friend know you care and are concerned about his recovery, you will do just fine.

darcy (Matt's Mom)

During the time my son could not talk, he used his laptop to answer questions or make ccomments. He wrote in big type so that those who were standing further away could read what he said as he turned the screen of the LT around. If you don't have a LT to lend him, the dry erase board is a great idea, too and easier to carry around. A wise friend of his told my son that when someone asks if he needs anything, to tell them the truth instead of just saying "I'm fine". He happened to need some head phones for a video game he had and one of his friends got it for him. He also read lots of books while he was recovering. It doesn't have to be especially creative to be useful and very much appreciated.

I agree, any thing , just the thought and knowing that people are there and the dry erase boards are GREAT !! But I will let you know what My family did for me ...........

I live in Upstate NY and I have a cousin in Ft Kent MAine. so we are like 15 hours apart . He was totally shocked when I was diag as I was young and NO risk factors and he couldn't be here with me . He and his wife contacted my family ( ALL OVER ) and they contacted friends.....They all sent and brought me angels, from pins , to staues , to cards, to playing cards. I Do collect the willow tree angels and have added to my collection . But he told me he sent them to watch over me and I have them ALl around my house to remind me of the LOVE of my family and friends and HOPEFULLY they are still watching over me !!


Shar

As the caregiver for Marvin. I would have to say that the money and cards were one of the best for us. We had to travel 120 miles each day for the treatments and with gas being high every little bit helped. Also since he was the main income for us and him not working the exta money went to pay the monthly bills. Our daughter had created a site for people to post notes to marvin and check on his progress. Marvin enjoyed getting on this site and hearing from all of his friends and family. I am sure that what every you do will be greatly appreciated by them all. It is great just to know you have friends out there willing to pray and help you out anyway that they can.

Some of my best presents.........
letters from friends away, emails,
A new Egyptian cotton pillow--'to be comfortable and to cry into'..........
Books and magazines--mags are good for days when I can't concentrate fully,
Music downloaded onto an MP4 player,
A digital photo viewer--sits on top of the TV screen and my partner has loaded hundreds of photos for me--family, holidays, past events etc--it plays for hours!
Letters, emails...........again!
Basically---knowing people care!

Brenda

For my mom, some of her best gifts were clothes - not because she loves getting new clothes, but because she had lost so much weight that she only had 3 outfits that fit her. The new tops or bottoms broke up the monotony a bit - especially when she was wearing the same things over and over again to treatments. The other thing that really helped was that friends with dogs would bring over their dogs when they came to visit. If your friend is a dog lover, I highly recommend it. My mom's face never looked happier than when our new neighbors came over with their puppy. I wish I had been able to take a picture.

Overall, anything helps. And, for those taking care of yoru friend, a pot of food is a huge help. I cannot tell you how many times my husband and I either did not eat dinner or wound up eating at 10pm after trying to get my mom settled for the night. A neighbor brought down a pot of chicken soup and some chicken stew one night and we felt like the luckiest people around.

When I was ill, I had a laptop, but did not have high speed internet access, so an antenae or other means for high speed access would be nice if they have that bent. It was a great way to spend some time, even though you feel horrible.

But to be honest, your thoughts and prayers mean as much as anything.

When my son had been in the house for what seemed forever, I finally got him out of the house to go see a funny movie. We saw that Borat movie and it was so good just to hear him laugh - something he hadn't done in a long time. You can rent them or get them cheap at a used book store.

Thank you so much everyone, for all the great ideas! I'm definitely going to pass these onto all his friends who have been asking, "What can we do?" This is such a wonderfully supportive and educational forum. He's got a laptop, so I'm definitely going to give him the link to come here.

One more for the list- I always liked getting PJ's. When you are laid up it's nice to change your PJ's often.
I watched a lot of movies and TV series on DVDs, and the best was when people would lend me whatever DVDs they owned (because I'm only going to watch them once so I didn't want to keep them around the house). Labeling the DVDs with their names was helpful becuase then I didn't have to keep track. One friend who is a movie buff and has a copier lent me one of those CD wallets with like 50 movies and said "give it back whenever you want, or keep it". This was for after I was out of the hospital but laid up at home from the radiation.

My daughter's dry erase board was by my side for the times I couldn't speak. Also a friend lent me a book titled "Getting Well Again" by O. Carl Sinonton, Stephanie Matthews Simonton & James L. Creighton. I didn't intend to read it because I was sick of reading about my illness but I did read it and it helped me with my attitude toward the treatments.

A small squishy pillows filled with the plastic beads used in Beanie Babbies make wonderful gifts. The neck roll style is excellent for supporting an arm with an IV. Hospital beds are so uncomfortable and the pillows are not much better. I found that manipulating a small soft pillow under my head when lying down and under my arm when I sat up took pressure off of my neck and jaw. When I was able to sit up I used a pillow under books and magazines. A family member brought me a big soft European square to help prop me up in bed.

A friend made me a beautiful quilt. She wrote a personal note on the back in one of the squares. I always felt better when I wrapped myself up in it. I also received lots and lots of different herbal teas. Someone else gave me a soothing CD, which I would play when I just wanted to heal. None of my cards were taken down until I finished radiation. The best gifts were all the positive thoughts and prayers plus the people who checked in to see how my husband was doing.