http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WTVNCMQqFOY

Your Friend,
Nathan

You are sounding and looking mahvalous dahling....please don't cry...I so want to give you a hug Nate. You are doing everything you are supposed to be doing to fight this and I adore you and am so proud the way you are taking things that will help you feel better during radiation treatments and keeping yourself healthy! YOU are following the right path to win this battle. Hang in there Nate, keep yourself busy have a great weekend with friends and family! That baked potatoe sounds pretty good.

Thanks SUEZ!

Just had a bit harder day today...My Uncle who I love dearly and is the black sheep of our family called me shortly after my radiation. He survived throat cancer twice, both Stage IV and both times he was given a 5% survival rate. That was 5 years ago and he still cancer-free, sad part is he has been addicted to oxy contin and other medications as well as continued smoking and drinking. Needless to say, he was drunk when he called me today and was not being the best support system or motivation for me at the moment. And all I could tell myself was " Please lord, I am willing to change everything, do everything I can to go a different path and not destroy myself." " Please lord, I truly care about my life that I once took oh-so for granted and I just want to start over."

I guess it hit me really hard, I told my mom your story after the phone call from my Uncle and was just bluntly honest. If I am going to give this my every last bit of heart and soul, and someone who can give two shits about their life or fall in the " feel sorry for me " stage be able to beat this, why the hell cant I? I know we are owed nothing in this lifetime, but this same lifetime I learned you work hard and stay devoted to what you plan on accomplishing, boy I wish I would have taken that advice. I could have really been a great skateboarder, on tour in the band with my friends , a producer , artist , everything I ever wanted to be. This time I will not let the dream close down on me, I want to live and start my own support system for people in my age group who are not aware or who feel as alone as I do.

A young man, about 15-17 years of age was dropped off at the radiology building today by a school bus and it was not to meet up with his parents. He went behind the same doors as me and when he came out turned in his wrist band just as I did. Everything is just hitting me like a brick to the face, I just want to live. I do not want alcohol, or government crack , I want a family and to get married and tell my children about Tony Alva and the z-boys. Thank you for being there for me, I still have yet to see my mother cry over any of this, I feel I do most of it for her, sorry for such an emotional video post today.

Your Friend,
Nathan

Hey Nate. No need to apologize for the emotional roller coaster you are on. You have a right too cry it out!!! You are right back in the storm of treatment again. Seeing my sister this part is the most emotional part you will endure. You are not going to be called a survivor for nothing. You have to battle the storm and come out the other side a warrior!!! My thoughts are with you.

You WILL beat this, Nate! There is never any need to apologize for showing your true, raw feelings. You have every right! You are telling it like it is and helping so many others in the process. And you are doing everything right to get yourself through this. When I see your videos, I am so reminded of my son and his treatment. There were so many times when I held back the tears as I watched him struggling to get thru each moment. I didn't want him to see me cry and know that I was not as strong as I pretended to be. But I did let the flood of tears flow when he was not around and for me, it really helped to have a good cry. He and I got through this and you will too.

Nate,

Def, no apologies needed...we all understand. I am sure your mother has cried...she just doesn't want to do it in front of you. I know that I spent many moments alone outside of my house letting my tears fall and talking to God about my fears.

Regarding the ringing in your ears: This is a sign that the Cisplatin is damaging your hearing so you must tell your docs for sure. They will probably opt to switch you to another chemo drug(Carboplatin perhaps.) I would probably not wait till your next vist to the MO's office...call them now.

Hang in there..one day at a time,

Deb

Nate...I've been watching your video's hang in there buddy.

Your Mom has cried, but not in front of you. I remember crying in the shower time and time again when my husband was going through cancer. The only time I cried in front of him was when he was diagnosed. He never saw me cry again, I felt I needed to be strong for both of us. I'm sure that's her feelings.

As far as your Uncle I would let it be known.... call me when your sober.

Take care and God Bless
Connie

Right on, Connie - my "place" to cry was alone in the car on the drive home. It's not altogether safe to cry while driving though, so I wouldn't recommend it. Better to pull over until the "storm" passes. Besides it's not like you have windshield wipers on your eyes to clear the field of vision. It seems that most women, being right brain people are better able to express feelings and compassion, while men (left brainers) are better at logical, clear thinking, "get to the point" issues, but some men are lucky enough that in addition to all the left brain qualities, they also have some of the right brain qualities and can express compassion or shed a tear. And that's good. That's just my conclusion.

Yes Nate I believe she has cried it out. My water bill definatly went up after my sisters diagnosis for sure. Now not so much. It's not easy watching someone you love feel so down and you try your hardest as a caregiver to be strong for them. I never wanted my sister to see that I was scared also. She had enough on her plate.

What's happening, Nate? Saw your last video #16 and thinking about you lots. Let us know whenever you can how you are doing. Sending positive vibes your way, so keep hanging in there!

Amen to all the words spoken here for you Nate. Nothing I can add. Just the best to you.

Ok everyone, headed into Radiation #9 today...Over the weekend have experienced some gum tightness, not necessarily jaw tightness. Hard to explain, the best way is when I open or stretch my jaw it feels like my gums are being ripped around my teeth, especially the back. Other than that I am still doing ok, hoping to see the light soon, They say thy are gonna double me up next week and I dont know if thats a good or bad thing but its because of thanksgiving. Anyway, Trying my best....ttyl

Nate

Glad to hear you are hanging in there. Please dont forget to keep stretching your mouth open wide several times per day. It will help you to avoid getting trismus which is where you cant open your mouth. I have it and its awful!!!!

Nate,

Not sure what you mean by "hoping to see the light soon" as you are only on rad #9. The vast majority of us don't "see the light" or as we say "walk out of the tunnel" until week 3 POST Tx so just be prepared as it may/will get worse from now on until some weeks post Tx.

Also re the double up, they are probably going to do a 2 a day in leu of missing Turkey Day. We all receive about 70 gys over the course of 35 rad sessions or 2 gys a day so if you are going to miss a day they may just hit you twice the day before but they won't exceed the 70 to 72 gys over the whole treatment period. Some get 5 treatments a week for 7 weeks and some get 4 treatments a week with a double on Friday for 6 weeks. Either way we all get about the same amount of radiation.

Just saw your video #17 and it looks like you are doing ok, Nate. Glad to see your post, too! Keep up the good work and the good spirits. Stretch your mouth like Christine says. Maybe you could recite some poems while stretching your mouth? Or lyrics to your favorite songs? Or some Jamey Jasta? That would be nice on a video!

Nathan,

I just watched at a few of your videos tonight. It appears that you have stopped making them altogether for now. I am sure that you are just not feeling up to doing anything, even playing a song... That was a really nice way to communicate when you weren't able to speak.

My husband went through the same kind of radiation seven years ago and I can imagine what you are going through. You are now into the really rough part of treatment and it continues to get worse until a few weeks after radiation ends. It may be hard to believe now, but it really does get better. You just need to hold on a little while longer.

The one piece of advice that I would like to share with you at this point is to be sure that there is someone with you at all times until you are no longer going down the slope, but are starting to head back up. It is a safety issue, as well as a suppport and comfort issue.

My best wishes and prayers are with you as you finish this difficult period.

Anne

he's not on here anymmore...he sent a message he was done with this site.

What a shame he has left this site. I just hope it's because he has been given the all clear and no other reason.

There is still family reading the site for info...he is just going through a really bad time and needed to pull away. Hopefully when he is headed back into the light for real he will come back on and let us know how he is. He had to get a PEG and needed it installed twice, bad mucous, etc. so he is having a really hard time. Not an excuse, just an explanation. :o)

Michele in IL