I tried to talk to him today and I asked him about my sleeping on the couch. He said that he understood and that it was ok with him. I tried to get him to open up and tell me how he feels and he just won't. He lets the time pass until we move onto something else and then he just doesn't have to talk about it.

He won't tell me what his wishes are if he doesn't make it. He is not fighting but rather just giving in. I try to stay positive everyday and I encourage by telling him that it won't be much longer and that this is all temporary. We had a survivor friend come by to see him yesterday and he really didn't want to see anyone. He just stayes in the bedroom and sleeps.

I cannot get him to eat. He says that he has no pain but when I try to get him to drink a protien drink or something he just won't.

It has been 2 weeks since he has drunk any water and the only reason that he is still living at this point is because of the IV fluids that I give him everyday.

The doctor says that if he doesn't get the tube soon he will wither away. We have an appointment with the gastro doc on wed.

He is not fighting and that is what is making me crazy. He did tell me that if this is going to have lasting side effects then he didn't think there was much to live for. I cannot tell you how much that breaks my heart.

I have tried to get him to talk to someone and he is on antidepressants but he keeps everything inside and only during moments when he is not completely lucid does he let things slip out about how he feels. When I ask more about it he just shuts down.

I love this man more than words can ever say. I have from the first hug and it has grown only stronger over the years. It is eating me up inside because right now we are like strangers in the same house. He is living in his own dimension and I am in mine. I want to hug him and tell him that everything is going to be ok. I want to make things better for him. But he is constantly making it harder on himself.

He hugs me from time to time and it feels good. We used to read each others thoughts and even think of the same things at the same times. Now I have no idea what he is thinking but my gut is telling me that it is not good.

When he hugs me he says I love you and it sounds like someone saying goodbye. I am not ready for him to leave. We have too many things that we are supposed to do together and I just wish he would stand up and tell me that he will fight this thing no matter how bad it gets. I am fighting every minute of every day and I need him to fight too.

I tell him this and he just looks at me and smiles a little and then he rolls over to go to sleep. I watch him when he is sleeping and I feel so helpless. His lumps on his neck have not changed and he knows it. I see him rubbing his neck sometimes and he never says a word but I know that he is feeling like none of this torture is doing any good.

Before the treatments started, he had decided that he wouldn't do them. He was just going to wait until the cancer took him. I was devestated and I kept on him until he finally gave in.

When we got to the hospital that first time to start the treatments, he told me he was only doing this for me. At first I was just glad because at least he was doing it but now I worry that that reason is not enough and that he is giving into the pain and the process.

I so wish that he was like many of you. That he would be proactive in his treatments, demand the best from the doctors, be honest about how he feels, and fight for all its worth.

That is what I pray for everyday.

Cindy