From the very first day he was diagnosed until the day he died i tried to put myself in Robs shoes.I would lie at night and wonder what it felt like to hear those words"you have cancer" and of course eventually "its back and theres no more we can do" but i couldn't.Nobody can,and nobody can even begin to guess how they would behave if they were waking up every morning knowing that it wasn't a dream or worse still a nightmare.At different times of our lives we all become aware of our mortality and the shortness of our time on this earth,but we put it to the back of our minds and just get on with the day to day business of living,because we can.I was angry,and it wasn't even happening to me,so when he was angry and beligerent and cruel and hurtful and critical and possessive i had to count to 100 and just try really hard to think "what if that was me,how would i behave"The truth is i dont know.I do know that in facing death i will never be as brave or accepting as he was,but its a very true saying "we always hurt the ones we love" and i guess that must mean he loved me very much.

During my time on these boards i have met and shared with so many women going through what you are Ingeborg,and thankfully the majority have survived and moved on to a stronger and better realationship,but we have all come here in the depths of despair wondering why this disease has taken our men and replaced them with a snarling cornered wounded humand being whos sense of control has been reduced to lashing out at their families.Its hard for him and hard for you,and until the worst is past and he starts to move out of the shadow of his diagnosis and the treatment that goes with it,life will be tougher than you thought possible.

All i can say is that people like Margeret Hupe and Wendy G and thank god many many others come out the other side and cherish the wonderful things that come with successful treatment and lights at the end of the tunnel.How did they do it? Just like you they came here and bared their souls to people who are living or have lived the same nightmare you are in right now.