I see you are PA, I'm in NJ but just moved here. Even still I'm close to PA. Where is she being seen? Fox Chase, Penn? Where in PA are you. It may not hurt to get another opinion.

I'm happy that you are seeing a therapist. It took me a long time to fianally do that and I'm much better now that I did. Don't think of the what if's if you can help it...it will just drive you crazy.

So, you are scared to be with her but scared to be away from her also? Do I understand you correctly? IF so, that is hard and I hope your therapist can help you work through that. It's nice that you have sisters. Have you talked to them about how you are feeling? Does your mom know why you are staying away?

My guess is the case worker deals with this everyday and they don't live with it day in and day out. We're ALWAYS here for you. Feel free to send me PM if you want to vent.

They said it's inoperable? But they still think she has a good chance? Who said that and when?

Hello and welcome to OCF. I hope you are able to find strength here to help you thru this with your mom. Its a difficult situation, and very scary for everyone. We will help you with the support you need. Everyone needs a hand thru this.

It might be a good idea to find a therapist to talk to, alot of patients and their caregivers need to speak to someone professionally. Most also need some anti anxiety meds to help them deal with this.

Im sure your mom is just as scared as you are. She needs you just like you need her. Are you able to call her? Maybe start by calling her and then maybe a short visit while other family members are there.

she is being seen at Fox Chase. She has a team of doctors that specialize in Head and Neck Cancer. They met in the beginning and discussed treatment options. Until this week we thought that it seemed like everything was going as planned. She is unable to communicate. I got her a cell phone and we text message everyday. I try so hard to be there. When she was in the hospital after surgery (25 days) i would linger at the doorway. I was never able to sit and look at her face to face. No one seems to understand the physical feeling that I get when I even start to drive over to her house. i know that is completely a mental thing, i just cant get past it. I DO NOT want to regret this for the rest of my life.

Im so sorry you are going thru so much right now. Please seek out some help for yourself, maybe even medication to ease your anxiety.

You havent said your age, but your mom is young so Im thinking you are too. My children probably are around your age, so I do understand how it affects you. I saw the look in their eyes when I told them I was sick and how they looked at me when I was at my sickest.

Im glad to hear the communication is still there even if its texting. At least thats better than complete silence.

Please try your best to visit your mom even if you cant look directly at her. It will do your heart good to visit and just hold her hand and give her a hug. Just give it a try, cant hurt to try to visit.

I also go to Fox Chase. I'll send you a PM so we can discuss the docs.

What is the physical feeling you are experiencing? It sounds like what Christine mentioned...maybe some anxiety? A lot of people here take medicine for that. Not sure if you want/need to go down that road but I think it's important to learn to around your mom. It will be good for both of you.

Please try and relax......no matter how hard it is. We cannot change the situation because if we could, we would. I know what you are going through. I live it everyday as well as many others here. Please don't beat yourself up with "what ifs". That's all I did at first. Things like: "when his dentures were bothering him, why didn't I force him to go to the dentist" when he started to look rather sickly, why didn't I make him go to the doctor" -- I, of course, told him that he needs a good check-up and he would just ignore me. Now I realize, that he is a big boy and should have gave me the green light and I would have called the doctor. I can't change that now. Your mom and my hubby's situation sound very similar. I believe your mom may be on Erbitux--maybe not. Jim is on that now. His recurrence is also in his lungs and jaw. You can see the tumor on his chin when you look at him. He also had a tumor in his mouth, but he had 5 cyberknife treatments at Shadyside Hospital in Pittsburgh and the dr. said that jim was responding well as the tumor in his mouth has shrunk. The treatments are done, but if the treatment worked, it takes awhile for it to be noticed.(cyberknife)

Now listen to me please. You need to visit your mom for yourself and also for her. I remember when I would visit Jim in ICU, I would look at him for 5 minutes and then leave and I would thank god that he was "out of it" as I could barely look at his swollen face and stapled neck without becoming almost hysterical.

When he first came home from the hospital I was so stressed and nervous about everything and felt incapable of taking good care of him, but, he needed me !! Remember, it's easier to try and be relaxed when you are with her. Talk to her in a way like you would talk to anybody else. Try to make your time around her like a normal situation (as best you can) talk, laugh, and even cry if you want to. Don't be frightened, relax please.

Believe me, I've had more bad days than anyone can imagine, but I try to have normal days as best I can. I think Jim feels better when he sees that I am coping.

I want you to know, THAT WE KNOW, what you are going through. All situations are different, all of us are different, but we all share the same story -- One of Hope. . . Claudia

I try to relax. I am only 26 it is really hard. My sisters seem to handle it so well. I know that each person handles it in their own way. I just beat myself up about not being able to step up to the plate.

My mom had a rough night last night. Apparently the first treatment she received did not agree with her and the doctors at Fox Chase told us to take her the ER. Of course I wasnt a part of that. My sisters both took her. My days are filled with constant worry.

What is your first name so that I can address you ? You are only 26 ? I have a son who is 32 and he still lives at home with us. Anyway, he can't handle his dad being sick. Many times he stays at his girlfriends house for 3 or 4 days at a time and I think to myself "how can he not see his dad for that long". I don't say anything to him even though it bothers me because I don't want him living with guilt. Does he care ? Of course, he does and it is very hard on him. But he handles it by not always being there and yes, he is a wonderful person and a great son. A few months ago Jim got very sick and couldn't walk and was urinating all over the place. I am hysterical crying and he was not at home. I was alone with Jim. I called Dan and was trying to relay what was going on in this hysterical voice and his reply on the other end was "DO YOU WANT ME TO COME HOME"? I was so hurt by him asking that question--"do you want me to come home". He naturally was here in a short time and stayed with his dad and I for several hours at the hospital. So, you see, he can't handle much either. You have your sisters and Dan has me, but remember if we weren't around you and Dan would be there, stepping up to the plate. I am sure your mom knows deep in her heart how much you love and care about her and she knows how hard it is on you. Who knows you better than your mother? Remember honey, take one day at a time, even one minute at a time. How is your mom this morning ? Keep us posted. We all care about you. Claudia

My children only saw robin twice during the eight months of his illness.Although not thier dad Rob had been a part of their lives for 15 years,and as he was only 15 years older than my daughter they were friends rather than step parent/step child.
They just could not cope with the great big bear like loudmouth they knew and loved turning into the weak poorly man he became,so i kept them away from it.They rung every day but even so just hearing what he was going through,devastated them. Neither of them had ever seen someone so young and strong die so quickly,and it has left my son with an obsessive fear of ANYTHING to do with his mouth ,neck and glands

I know this is a hard time for you but you must try and pull yourself together not only for your sake but your Mom's and your family. You must prepare yourself for the worse case and hope that it never happens. You already blame yourself for "not being there" (which is wrong) and if you don't gather yourself now you might just fulfill your own prophecy.