My mother was diagnosed with mouth cancer in Sept. 08. They decided to do radiation and chemo. Here is my situation. She has pretty much refused to take care of herself. She started all this at 90lbs and is now down to 77lbs and two days ago they placed a feeding tube. They also had to stop all treatments because of her low white blood cell count. She started staying with me a few days ago so I can get her to the doctor/clinic, etc. My mother was an alcoholic before all this and continues to drink now, she went from beer to now drinking hard liquor. And she is back to smoking, in my house. I am a non-smoker and it really bothers me. Yet she is too weak to walk outside, etc.
She was the type of person to always be early to appointments, etc. always on my case because I was late. Now we NEVER get to her appointments on time, for one reason or another caused by her. I am so frustrated, I don't know what to do. Any suggestions?? Any one else dealing with this? I feel like I can't really say anything to her about these things because then I get the "I am going through a lot right now" speech. I am thinking about maybe talking to the social worker at her clinic. Thanks in advance for any advise.

Sharonb

I would definitely seek advice from a social worker asap and if the social worker is unable to help you with your particular situation they will certainly refer you to someone who will be able to.

You are doing such a wonderful thing by trying to help your mum and take care of her but it sounds like she may need some professional help to make her realise that, and also how her drinking and smoking is just going to destroy her chances of making any headway with this disease.

Thinking of you

Karen

Have you discussed this with her doctors IN FRONT OF HER AND THEM? I would also prepare the doctors in advance for this discussion and make sure they tell her bluntly that she will die (and in a short time) if she doesn't stop smoking and drinking. If that doesn't work then she might as well stop the Tx and save the time for someone that really cares about living. Sorry maybe a little harsh. Maybe some addiction counseling might help but something must be done before it's just too late.

To get to appointments on time, tell here they are earlier than they are so you start getting ready sooner.

This may be also mean but if she is staying in your house and you disapprove of her smoking and if she is too weak to go out, then I wonder what she would do if you hid the cigarettes or just plain refused to give them to her. Being firm yet supportive (actually it is what my family still has to do for me when I want a cigarette and I still really do) stating you do not want those toxins in your home and if she wants one she has to earn it. It might be a way to bribe her to say eat or get to an appointment on time. Dealing with elderly people sometimes they have reverted and need direction. Smoking or any addiction for that matter can be a great motivator. To me it sounds like she has lost the fight before it started. Addictions are very difficult to deal with under the best of circumstances. I would consult the doctors in front of her as a last resort as she may feel being ganged up on. She is probably already in a fragile state as you are and probably feel you are walking on egg shells. Getting her defensive will not help but maybe talking to the doctors on the side and get them to be blunt with her maybe even find some really good graphic pictures to show her and may help. All I know is that continue to talk to people here and you will get a lot of advice and experience. It is ultimately your call but I do know how hard it is to live with someone who seems not to want to help themselves. But that doesn't mean they don't want the help. From my experience it is a type of depression due to addictions and fear. I also think you are on the right track to talk with social workers as they have experience and the connections to possibly direct you better. Plus they have the advantage of being right there...

Don't forget we are here too for you. There are a lot of amazing care givers with a lot of experience among them received from personal experience with this battle.

Take care Sharon and god bless

I can't help but feel sorry for your Mom.

I would think she needs as much help dealing with her additions as she needs dealing with her cancer treatments.

With many reported OC cases found in heavy smokers and drinkers, I would imagine the Cancer Center where she is being treated has had do deal with this many times before.

I know where I was treated they have cessation programs and support. Fortunately I never needed to find out any of the details

Please ask for help at your Cancer Center.

Sharon,

Where we all have to battle the cancer, it seems to me that your Mom has chosen instead to battle the fact that she has it. She may admit outwardly that she has cancer, but I think that maybe she's refusing to "give in" to it - refusing to acknowledge it. The alcohol helps her to "forget" or "not care" and stay in this complete state of denial, or maybe better said, refusal.

I think that it's imperative that somehow someone get your Mom to change the target of her battle to the cancer itself rather than the fact that she has it. I also think that it's not something easily done. You probably need to get her professional help if that's possible. I don't know if the doctors or the social workers would be the best bet. I think I'd try them both. If they don't know, they might know who else you can turn to.

I send you all my best. I know this is hard. I didn't see if you've said - may I ask how old she is?

Lani

Sharon- My husband was a heavy drinker before his surgery. As a result he had the DT's immediately following the surgery and had to be put on Librium to help with them. He also had to be tied down with soft restraints to stop him from doing any damage will in the midst of the shakes. All this when he was in the SICU. Along with all the sedatives-he was a mess. He doesn't remember any of it but I sure do. Maybe your mom needs to know how much this hurts you and hinders her recovery. I'm sure it will fall on deaf ears but it's worth a try. It really stinks that addicts cause so much pain to those who love them.

Sue

So let me ask some dumb questions. Why'd she switch from beer to hard liquor? Is it because they is no beer in the house? Where is she getting the hard liquor? Is she ordering it from the liquor store or raiding your in house supply? Likewise with the cigarretes. If she can't go out, how is she getting these? You might be able to slow her down by turning off the supply chain, but a true alcoholic will still find ways to get it so need to alcohol proof the entire house, like throw out the hair sprays, tabasco, mouth washes and I forget all what else. You can probably get the list from AA.

You don't state how many radiation treatments she has had, but after about two weeks it should hurt too much to smoke or drink anything harder than beer. She also may not be able to swallow so she will be putting it down the PEG tube. Not good. She could OD on it so I'd get all the hard stuff out of the house. Watch out because she may have caches of this stuff hidden once she figures out what you are up to.

You need to update your profile to include her diagnosis and treatment. Go to MY STUFF up to top and PROFILE, fill in the info in the signature section and remember to click SAVE or UPDATE on the way out.

Take care,
Eileen

Eileen,

You've been here long enough to know that there have been people that have smoked and drank the entire time during Tx. Unfortunately they aren't alive to tell us about it. I still can't get the pictures out of my mind of the posts by their spouses describing their loved ones smoking in hospice with the cigarette filter so saturated with blood from their bleeding lips that they couldn't draw the smoke.

David,

I think you missed my point. If she is too weak to go outside to smoke, then she is too weak to get this stuff herself. There has to be an ENABLER around that is buying this stuff for her and that is what needs to stop. While she probably won't quit, you don't have to make it easy.

Yes, there are people who smoke and drink through the entire thing although I fail to see how they get the hard stuff down without a peg. Beer is easier. Even water burned my tongue so there was no way I could consume alcohol if I wanted to - no peg.

If you'd like another picture of stupidity, try this one. How about a fellow employee with lung cancer, now deceased, standing out on the curb with his oxygen tank smoking a cigarette. I guess when it's terminal, why not.

Take care,
Eileen

Hi everyone,

Thanks for all the advice. As of right now she is hospitalized due to her weight (71lbs) and the fact that her electrolytes, etc. are all off and she is dehydrated. Plus her kidneys are shutting down.

To answer some of the questions... up until last week, she was living on her own. She has been with me a week today (Tuesday). I didn't know she had stashed cigarettes and a bottle of booze in her bags. I REFUSE to buy her any of it. She switched from beer to liquor because she says the liquor doesn't burn like beer. ??? I believe she has had 5 weeks of radiation and she claims everything burns her mouth, but still able to drink alcohol. She has even stopped eating because of her mouth. It isn't like she is drinking or smoking alot, but in my mind I think she shouldn't be doing either, at all. Her cancer is just going to come back. Well, she is in the hospital now and they are fully aware of what has been going on at home, so hopefully it will all be addressed.

Take care everyone,

Sharon

Eileen,

No, I didn't miss your very good observation. I just was trying to remind you of some of the people we have both seen that totally ignored all common sense and continued to drink and/or smoke when they must have known it would most likely kill them.

Sharon,

Lets hope they can get her body back in check and keep her off the cigs and booze.

It is probably the carbonation in beer that creates problems. At least I had issues with carbonated soft drinks for a long time and I still tend to avoid them.
I cannot imagine how she is able to handle hard liquor at this stage.

M

When I initially posted, I didn't realize that she is 7 weeks post radiation, I thought she was just starting or in the middle of radiation. Hopefully the hospital is getting her hydrated and functioning again and maybe with the tube she will be able to get her weight up and health back.

I was able to drink small quantities of beer and wine 4 weeks after radiation. Beer was one of the few things that tasted good and quenched my thirst. While the carbonation in soda really bothered me, it took me so long to get a beer down that I think it too was probably flat by the time I finished it. I too can't imagine how she is getting hard liquor down, but then I guess it depends on what it is and what she is mixing it with. I still think it would burn the tongue like crazy.

Eileen

"Common sense" only exists in the minds of "normies" not addicts.
Tobacco is allegedly more addictive then Heroin.

She can bounce back very quickly once she is re-hydrated.

I would suggest that you seek out a support group, caregiving for one and Alanon and possibly ACA as well and get some help for yourself. It might seem strange but it's not your mother who has the problem.

These kinds of problems don't just happen in a weeks time. This must be an ongoing issue. I am surprised that she got by without a full time caregiver as long as she did, alcohol, tobacco or not.

I also have to ask what kind of pain management protocol is she on? The alcohol can have deadly side effects when combined with many narcotics or is she undermedicated and medicating herself with alcohol (and thats got to be tough since, like Marcus said, it must burn like hell).

Being a caregiver can be very difficult with the best of patients. In many ways it is far more difficult than what a patient goes through. Get some help and respite care for yourself. Set some boundaries about the smoking in the house- but not ultimatums - just consequences and choices. It is a gift to caregive and also an obligation right out of the 10 commandments. It may not seem like it now but if you can get through this to the other side it will be much easier living with yourself knowing that you did all you could, rather than second guessing yourself.

Eileen and others.
When my husb was first diagnoised with Alzheimer's I joined a site much like this one. The things I learned there & the freindships I made have been invaluable. Now I find myself on this site for support with my husband's cancer.
I found on the Alz board much the same that I am finding here. For all both issues are so terriable I find I am very lucky in that I have a wonderful step daughter and a son & daughter who are always willing to listen to me and ready to help out so I can get out of the house for a break.
My husband is so easy to take care of which makes things so much easier for me. Others like you have these other issues to deal with on top of what is already a tramatic situation.
My very best to you & your family.