Nelie-
I am So so sorry to have inadvertently put you down. I feel AWFUL I apologize profusely. I think in my excitement and passion to progress with eating I may have said some things I didn't mean to be interpreted as insulting...You are correct. Everyone surgery and recovery goes differently and it is certainly not because of lack of effort or desire that you eat a liquid diet.. Your life is not miserable because you have a liquid diet. My life isn't better in comparison and I didn't mean that at all and I apologize if my words implied that. I really meant that others (as this article) do often portray our lives as miserable and reclusive - and that the way that we eat and speak limits us and the pleasure we get out of life.


Anyways- hope you accept my apology. I know that your recovery has been difficult as well and I didn't mean to put you or your progress and achievements with your recovery down at all.

You know- I've been thinking I should probably take some time off from this site anyway! Its bringing me down lately.

See you guys! Over and out.


KATE

Kate,

I don't think an apology from you is warranted or needed at all. You were posting your experience...how you felt...and it had nothing to do with Nelie and in no way "put her down." Her reply was an overreaction to a very innocent statement. I am not sure why she felt the need to say what she said (I am sure she is angry about the damage that this illness and subsenquent treatment has done but shouldn't take it out on you or any other poster) but when I read both posts this morning, I wanted to say something then but decided to calm down and wait.

I reread everything again tonight and after your post now and I just want you to know that your experience is very meaningful to a lot of us here and we welcome your posts always. If you need to, take some time off, but please come back....you never know how much you might help someone by talking about YOUR life and how you have managed your illness and recovery from OC.

Hugs, Deb

I think when there is a small disagreement, which has been resolved between the two people who had it, that it does not serve anyone to have others pile onto one side or the other after the fact. Misunderstandings and disagreements happen between individuals, and public boards are no different. But when they do, I think we should not do things to perpetuate the issue. A perfect time for those who feel the need to comment or take sides to use the PM feature.

Brian,
I will abide by your request to take this offline going forward, but I do question your statement that the disagreement has been resolved...you have one member that feels the need to leave the board. Are you OK with this?

It was not my intent to "perpetuate the issue" but to assure Kate that she was valued. It is always my intent to be of help here, not detract.

Deb

One person said something that reflected their personal feelings, another person took it personally and said so (even though it wasn't directed at them). The first person apologized. The person said the site was bringing them down, which I get, dealing with all the issues everyday weighs on people, leave psychic debris, and posters leave all the time to get on with their lives, and try to put it all behind them. Even the long term posters whose heart is really into helping others... say Gary, go distant for awhile to get perspective on their own life occasionally. No one said that they were leaving because of one misunderstanding with one other person. So yes, I am OK with people coming and going. Those that have the calling to help, come back. Others move on for good. Since the board went up in 2002 it has been this way. Posting here takes time from your life.

Even those with a desire to help, sometimes disappear for awhile or taper to only a few posts per month because they tire of answering the same questions over and over again. There are many reasons. Not having talked to Kate about this, I do not know hers, but she does not strike me as the kind of person that would let one misunderstanding keep her from doing something that she wanted to do. She is one tough lady.

Well said, Brian, and very true about the experience of users with message boards. Awhile back, I was a participant on a message board for quitting smoking. Great site, and great participants -- but I found that the site was actually making it more difficult for me to quit, because it kept smoking in the front of my brain. So I distanced myself, and successfully quit. Now I visit every few months,or on the annual anniversary, and it is fine.

I can get overloaded between the boards here, volunteering at our local CCC and dealing with some other friends and relatives who are going through treatment for various cancers. Some days I just want to find a remote Caribbean island and escape. The feeling passes, and I get back to the drill. By the same token, I no longer participate in the board I visited to help me get through my spinal fusion. Different people, different issues -- it's all good.

Thanks for having the perseverance to keep this going!

I am posting this publicly, since others here have felt the need to jump in and take sides over something that I think Kate and I were and are quite capable of resolving respectfully between ourselves, but I am also sending a PM to Kate since she may not be reading here.

Kate, I really appreciate your apology. I realize that there was no bad intention behind what you said and I apologize myself if what I said made you feel as though I thought there was. I think things are so tricky here because we've all had a very bad hand dealt to us in terms of getting oral cancer to begin with and one of our natural ways of coping (I mean as human beings--this is the area of psychology in which I trained) is to find a group of people or a person or two who are suffering more than us and think to ourselves "well at least I'm not having to go through that". And in fact doing that increases our gratitude for what we do have and that is a good thing.

The hard thing, which has really been brought hom to me here at times, is that because there is so much that is totally beyond our control when we have cancer, it is also easy to come to believe that you (I mean you generally here, not you Kate) didn't suffer that other fate entirely because of something you did have control over (you chose a better doctor, had a better attitude, were more stubborn, fought harder). Although all those things DO make a difference I believe, there are also people who chose good doctors, fought hard, were stubborn, and didn't get the good outcome (they can;t eat like me, or they get a recurrence) and when you (and now I am speaking from my personal experience here) are on THAT end of things and a witness to people who got the good outcome doing what is natural in terms of being grateful they aren't in your group and taking what credit they can that they didn't end up there, it can feel very unfair. Even when it is not at all meant that way.

Perhaps I am "oversensitive" about remarks that are very negative towards being phsyically dependent on a tube or about having to eat nothing but liquids but I really don't think amnyone who hasn't walked in my shoes for the last three years AFTER my OC treatment --which were not years of passive acceptance of this but of constant painful surgery and physical therapy to fight this--can judge what I've been through either or how those remarks make me feel. And my only intent in my post to you was just to raise that awareness. Again, I didn't at all think there was any intentional meanness there.

I agree with Deb here that your perspective here is very valuable and valued and I hope if you take a break (which I too have done) that you come back.

Nelie

One thing for sure. we all have our opinions and disagreements. But for sure, it's up to us to think and say what we feel. I believe in saying what comes to mind and I hope everyone else does too. Life would be boring as hell if we all had the same thoughts and opinions.

Jim,

You have never, to my knowledge, posted something that caused someone anguish. Oh wait, maybe David .

Deb