Michelle,

I know this will sound quaint maybe but I want to put this out there.....

Sometimes the things that we think are for one reason really turn out to be for another reason entirely.

It is best to look forward not wondering what went wrong (and I am really not one to talk here since I am most guilty of this) but spend the time thinking about what you want.

As a caregiver, I can honestly say that we give up our whole life to take care of others. We do it gladly and graciously with love and honor. Look at this as an opportunity to be selfish without the guilt of wondering who you might be hurting in the process. We caregivers tend to carry a lot of guilt and now is your opportunity to break free and let go.

I know this all seems easy to say, and you're right. We are all full of advice until we have to look in the mirror and listen to ourselves. Then those easy words become the most difficult to carry out.

It is your time now. You have given only a piece of yourself to him and now you have a chance to take back who you are or want to be.

When the crying is done and you are ready to move forward, open the windows and unlock the doors and step out into the sunshine.

Feel it warm you inside and out, then turn and walk into your new life.

Someday, Dan will discover that he made a terrible mistake. I am married to one who will always be in a position to realize things too late. I don't understand people who can't value the gifts they have now. The ones who never know what they have until it is gone. But it is their loss and I would bet that you will find down the road that this was a turning point that leads you to the happiest places in your life.

Make the most of it and you will never regret a thing!!

I feel your pain because I live in fear of the same outcome sometimes. Just hang onto those things that make you wonderful and you will make it through this.

All my thoughts!
Cindy

Cindy
I am so proud of you!
What a lovely thoughful and kind post.
Made me cry.... if that hubby of yours does not see what a gem you are , shame on him.
Take Care
Marica

Marica: yes, shame on him for sure.

Thanks Cindy and everyone for the kind words and encouragement. I've heard of cases before where the caregiver leaves, but never the reverse. I was wondering if anyone has heard something like this due to the radiation. Dan is not aware of the post- radiation problems he may face.....nerve damage, twitches and such. I could never get him to read anything on it, and it never came up in his visits. I never had the heart to tell him what may lie ahead. Since radiation can cause such damage along with the good, I was wondering if perhaps there may have been some damage in his brain that impacted behavior, etc. During his tx when he was so very sick, he experienced a huge problem with delerium. They thought the cancer had spread to his brain. The MRI showed no cancer, but some changes that are typical with dementia patients. I was so glad there was no cancer, I really never pushed the docs for a more definitive answer.

I'm sorry to hear this but, to be honest, I have issues with the title of the post. Some of us are not going to win this battle and the title, at first look, gives a bit of a chill.