First let me say I feel like a heel for venting here. I have had the pleasure of meeting so many awesome fighters, heroes and good people I have come to love and admire so much here. You all amaze me and help me to strive to be a better person in general, let alone caregiver. Thank you.
I don't want to offend anyone. I think I have offended myself. I don't know what is wrong with me lately. I am so frustrated, angry, feeling selfish. I am disgusted with other people in my family-they don't help and it hurts. Boy, I have never been so let down in all my life. Looking back, I see that they always were selfish, but I never wanted to acknowledge that. I feel so bad for my girls, they are on the frontline everyday. In some ways, things have gotten better, but in other respects it has not....it's just chaos. My mom is doing better, sort of. I don't understand what is happening, and I don't really know this person she hass become. A few here have told me it's likely the medications, she's on oxycodone, neurontin, fentyl 25mg patch. She walks around carrying her lidocaine viscous, dabbing her tongue all day long--for some reason, this irritates me. I think because she won't acknowledge that it is more pain than she wants to admit. It's not thrush, the dental onc looked at her the other day and said no, just left over brachy and imrt issues.
My poor father is tired and keeping everythign to himself -
if I have no one to talk to, he certainly doesn't. I have a sister who doesn't live to far, a little over an hour away...you would think it was much further. I have to call her and spend a half hour crying/complaining to get her motivated to offer help. at times I have to be frank and tell her to help.
With the Christmas holiday quickly approaching I am falling deeper and deeper into a funk. I feel like someone is sitting on top of my head, squashing me down. I find myself crying a lot, bitching a lot, and just sitting in a chair dazed. I know, it's probably depression setting in...thing is, I don't have time for depression. I don't want to be depressed. What I would really like to be able to spend time with my beautiful young girls baking, decorating, shoppingm watching xmas movies....instead I find the house in upheaval--mom is up and feeling better?, but prior to doing any decorating she feels a need to clear out every flipping closet, drawer in the house. It's such upset right now it makes me sick-literally. Eddie is turning 50 on the 15th-same day as my mom's bd. I wanted to have a few couples over to celebrate, our home is gorgeous when it's decorated, there is no better place to be. I am not going to be able to pull this off at this time, unless I gain some control. Each time I speak to my mom she cries, gets this strange voice and starts carrying on. This is not my mother. It's scary.
I can't believe that I am writing all of this, I feel like a jerk. I do have to say that in doing so my chest doesn't feel so tight. I have been thinking about going to see my doctor, I get racing and pains...I know it's stress related. I don't have time to acknowledge it.
Well, I'm being paged.
I miss my life. I miss working, haven't worked since April. I think that may be a mistake, aside from finances mom has come to depend on me too much. I don't feel that I am doing much more than watching over her, and I know that gives her a peace of mind....but gosh, it's robbing mine.
Sorry for complaining. Please understand, I love my mom. She is one of my best friends. I think it's just other than dad giving me a break, my older daughter can't help too much more, mom has taken to picking on both kids and my older daughter has had it...I'm falling to pieces. Rambling yes....I have no time to collect my thoughts.
Have any of you felt this way? I feel so guilty. I am beginning to really dislike myself.
Thanks.

Donna,

Glad you let go here.
This is a safe place to be angry, hurt and down right frustrated.
There are times I want to scream but that isn't allowed. Then I feel guilty. Am a person who is fairly flexible but some days are not the best, others are the worst. Can't seem to do a darn thing right!
Found that humming, stupid I know, will take the stress down a notch. Did it when my twins were babies. Can be done anytime.
Contact your DR and talk to them. No reason to suffer with the constant stress, really is a total drain on you emotionally and physically.
If the meds can get you from a 9 stress level to a 5 it is so much better.

Ramble here, will watch for your posts.
Safe zone!
Maggie

Hi Maggie,
I've rambled here...and then some. Just fell off the deep end recently.
Feel terrible venting, everyone here is so incredible.
I know I need to contact doctor, recently the one I really like relocated to an office that is about 25 miles further away.
I think maybe i am afraid if this is the new normal...i won't make it. I don't like the way things have be =come so negative and no matter how hard I try it's just gloom and doom. I know it will get better.
Thanks Maggie.

Maggie maybe some xanax or something to relax you.. I went thru this with my mother, although she wasn't quite that bad . Out of her children, Old Jim was the chosen one to take care of her and it did get hectic at times. Fortunatly I have a strong constitution and made it thru OK. You are sticking with your Mom much better than my lady did with me. She moved out a few weeks ago and acts like I did something wrong by getting OC.. I admire and respect you for what you are going thru, but you will survive and get good grades in Heaven for being such a good daughter. Go get some meds Mam. Jim

Sorry I got your name wrong Donna < but I am good at making mistakes LOL

Donna---vent, vent and double-vent!--As often as you need and want!
Caregiving must be the hardest job i the world, and for those who 'had' a normal life with friends, family, work it must be so much harder!

I hyave done so many 'new normals' in the last 5 years, from caring for mum, then dad, then semi-retiring, then cancer--they're different, some ways not so good as they were--who wants to lose a much-loved mum and dad??--but there IS a sense of achievement.

I had the same 'caring' problems with my siblings--one of whom lived just 20 mins away from my dad--and NEVER improved her attitude, in spite of my hinting, pleading, complaining.
When dad died, I left the hospital and said 'Get on with it, my job is over'--and felt a real cow, but was SO exhausted after 3 years of non-stop worry and care. I left ALL practicalities to her and her husband--I'd done everything 'alone'!!

Resentment and depression and 'if only' are usual--3 Christmases, I stayed at dad's and entertained his friends--my life was literally 'on-hold' and I know, pleased as I was to be there for dad, I could have done with a life for myself!!

Get to your doc and get some anti-depressants!
In the US, can you get counselling without having to pay for it??
We have MacMillan nurses here who support the whole family, not just the patient and centres where we can just literally 'drop-in' for tea/coffee and biscuits and cry or moan.

Do NOT feel inadequate, accept life sucks at the moment and sure doesn't like getting better any time soon--get some help for YOU!

We aint incredible on here--we're here because we NEED somewhere to go where we can ramble/moan/find comfort---so do it lady!!!

Love Bren x

Wow, Brenda - coffee and biscuits and cry or moan!! Sounds wonderful - wish there was something like that here. It really does help to have someone listen and to know they care. So, Donna - just come here and vent whenever you want to. With all that you are facing and doing, you certainly deserve the relief that venting can bring. Don't you ever feel badly for needing an outlet for all the frustrations. Sometimes you just have to have some compassion for yourself and take care of YOU. So come here whenever you need/want to. And if its meds that you need, then I vote for that too! So do it!

Donna...I love my husband more than life itself, and he has treated me like a queen for more than 27 years...however, since he was diagnosed about six months ago, sometimes I just want to run screaming! I know that you love your mother and want her to have the best life possible; I'm also sure that she loves you and appreciates the many sacrifices you have made on her behalf.

We ARE human; not perfect. When life gets 'out of order', I stress beyond belief; therefore, I can relate. I'm said before that being a 2-time cancer victim was a walk in the park compared to being the caregiver.

I said all that to say this: Call your pcp, get an appt asap; get on some good drugs; take a long weekend; get some respite care for your mother while you take a breather. Hire a temporary housekeeper if you must.

Some days it's just all-consuming and overwhelming, even to those of us who, seemingly, 'have it all', and should have few stresses in life.

Run, scream, beat the walls if you must! Take a walk, take a drive or go to a movie, get your nails done, a massage or a facial. Do something for YOU!

DON'T hold your anger and frustrations inside, else someone will be posting YOUR obituary for us to greive over.

(Hope none of MY ramblings offend you!)

Lois

Donna,

Im just sent you an email with my doctor's number. You need to get some relief.

Jerry

Thank you everyone. I felt like I was breaking earlier, feeling a little stronger now. I think I am exhausted and plain old scared. Going through treatment was a lot easier. Watching all these changes she's going through scares me. Tonight I walked up to say goodnight, she was lying on her bed, asleep on her back, with her mouth open, face swollen and holding her lidocaine viscous....writing this has me in tears again. It didn't even look like her. I want my mom back....the lady who used to smile all the time, enjoying life. This is so hard on her and my dad. My Nana called tonight, she's 90, asking why she isn't getting any better....I think she is in so many ways. Then again...is that just wishful thinking? I pray everynight that she will wake up comfortable=normal. I feel like a 10 yr old complaining-it's just I don't know how to fix it.
I am confused, about a month ago she seemed so much better.
I think I will call the doctor this week. I can;t sleep, settle or think straight.
Thanks again. I think it's just a bad spell on my part.
Love,
Donna