I know it is common for cancer patients to be depressed, but how much can one take? I keep trying to encourage, but I just want to scream each time he starts getting moody or gets upset because of not being able to do something. If I hear one more time "why do you stay with me? " I am going to scream!

Sorry, had to vent to someone and cant scream at him- so vented here. I dont know what to say anymore to him... I love him but he has to live not for me, but for himself.

Lisa,

I was not my caregiver so I really can't identify that closely with your part of the Tx but unfortunatley you are just as much as an unwilling participant as Bill is. The BIG difference is that you can walk away anythime and he can't. He has his plate full and it's probably going to get a whole lot worse for the both of you before he walks out of that dark tunnel around the end of April.

What you are experiencing is NORMAL. There are not too many saints walking around these days that can handle what is thrown at the patient and caregiver. Try talking to a mental health pro, that may help. Try letting Bill know how you are being affected. I remember how devastated I was when I found out that my wife would cry in private rather than upset me. I wasn't making her mad but she was just overcome with the whole C thing. Nevertheless I would have wanted her to share that with me because she was just as much a part of my Tx as I was.

Feel free to vent here as much as you want. I was not a caregiver but a patient and honestly I can't relate to the behavior you describe very well. I was pretty determined to fight the beast and win and felt I didn't have time or energy to be depressed.

But I certianly got frustrated with how ill I felt and how long it took before I started feeling better. I think you mentioned elsewhere Bill is receiving his own counseling? Encourgae him to bring up these issues there. you shouldn't be the only person available for him to lean on right now. That's too much of a burden for any person.

Nelie

Lisa,
frustration is the first step in the anger cycle, which can lead to anger then rage. There are 2 ways of dealing with this:
coping thoughts and/or assertive counter techniques.

Coping thoughts are an internal dialogue that we use to do a "reality check". We look at our unmet expectations and determine if it is a "reasonable expectation". During this reality check we attempt to eliminate assumptions (trigger thought) that focus on blaming others, magnifying the problem and devaluating the other individual's character and their universal rights.

Universal rights are complex but some of them are:
(these are communications rights)
Right to express my wants, needs, thoughts, opinions, ideas & feelings (anger, sadness, joy, discouragement, frustration, etc.)
Right to be illogical...."I know it doesn't make sense but this is how I feel".
Right to be confused..."I don't understand"

Assertive counter techniques:

Acknowledgement
Repetitiveness
Getting information
Responsibility consequences
Main issue (refocusing)
Expressing needs
Negotiating
Timeout(withdrawing)
Let it pass (do not take the bait)

Do not take criticism personally as a reflection of your value as a human being. Even if a $100 bill is stepped on, it's still worth $100.

I was my fathers caregever and he expressed the same frustration and complaints EVERY time we spoke. I had to put it in perspective of one of gratitude that it wasn't me going through what he went through.

Being abused shouldn't be part of the equation - you are NOT the enemy.

Also, men in general express their fear and pain with anger. Whereas women tend to be more open and direct with their feelings. It's more of a cultural thing.

Cancer support groups can often help you deal with these issues as well - ask your hospital social worker or check your local newspaper for support groups.

Hi Lisa,

I was a caregiver for my husband and vented on a regular basis. I think what Gary has posted hits it right on the head. Men and women express themselves VERY differently. I like to talk to anyone who will listen - and my husband thinks if he hits the highlights sparingly he's saying too much.

The point is neither of you can tell the other how to feel only how you feel. Use "I" statements and let him know that this is what they mean by in good times and bad. He sounds like he is understandably scared. Keep trying to talk to him but if he's not able to reciprocate make sure that you have someone to talk to or vent here.

Support him but don't become an emotional punching bag because that won't help him either. You're in this together as a couple. Some days that goes better than others. Tomorrow is another day, and I would try again.

Regards JoAnne

Dear lisa.
Just a suggestion. I see you are not married.
He keeps saying "why do you stay with me"..
It's most likely He does not feel like a "whole man" at this point in time. And he's probally thinking you will leave him. He's insecure at this point, and what man wouldn't be? THIS IS A WAR!
The next time he asks, hold his hand and TELL HIM
because"I Love you for who you are! Please do not tell me that again....I LOVE YOU! AND I WON'T LEAVE YOU!"
It's your call. I'm no phych. I'm just a scared and insecure man going thru hell. If I was not, I would not be human. PeteyB

Pete- I think you are right. Things are getting better- I talked to the chaplain for an hour friday and that helped. It is day to day and I probably will be back here to vent. I told Bill I could not take him doubting me and asked him if he wanted me to stay- he said yes. I just wish this would all go away, but I dont think the nightmare will.

Lisa, JoAnne and Gary are right on! Read those posts again carefully because they are aimed at the problems you are dealing with. We all are pulling for you to gather the strength you need for the next few months. Amy in the Ozarks