Dave
My Mom died peacefully in my arms, she was only angry at the cancer not her family, she knew we wanted her home with us...
SO WHY DO I STILL FEEL GUILTY..
Could I have done more? could I have made it easier for her? could I have found better words to say to her? could I have got her home before the pneumonia took hold? my life is full of endless unanswerable questions.
So I think that a period of feeling guilty is part of the grieving process..
May your God walk with you and help you to be at peace with yourself..
Sunshine.. love and hugs
Helen

Didier,
my experience was VERY similar to yours. My dad wanted to die at home and through the local hospice society we were able to do that. I also had to arrange for several caregivers besides myself. Like your father, mine had almost insurmountable medical issues. It was a frightening experience for me. I can barely keep a goldfish alive let alone be responsible for very advanced medical care for another human being. My father was lucid and insistent on dying in his own bed and his lawyer made it clear to me that as long as he was capable of making his own decisions, he was in charge so I had no choice but to provide that. He was equally adamant about not going to a hospital.

My caregivers were mediocre at best (some of them stole property and attempted to embezzle us) and I struggled with guilt for years about not doing enough (like taking him into my home). After years of therapy I was set free when the therapist made it clear to me that my responsibility, as a good son, was to insure that he got the proper care, NOT that I had to do it myself. My father was never angry - just a little scared sometimes. He handled it was about as much grace and dignity as I have ever seen.

As everyone responds differently to treatment, people also respond differently emotionally as well (and that includes caregivers). I was just not cut out to be a good caregiver and many of us aren't. Allow yourself that. You got professional care for him when he needed it - you did what you could. I am sure that he has tremendous regrets and probably wasn't even cognizant of the mean things he said to you.

After my father died the entire house to be gutted. It was "moonsuit" stuff. Talk about biohazards.

It sounds to me like you are still in the grief stage (bargaining phase) and once you find your way to acceptance everything will be ok. I can tell you that this will pass eventually - but it never seems to be on our timetable.

Didier, please find a really good therapist to hash this out with- it sounds like you are getting yourself into a self destructive mode. Not Good! Amy

Some of this is discussed by an authority at MSKCC who is on the OCF board and has helped us create a section on the main site. I am not very good at discussing these matters myself, so I refer you here.

Index of topics at http://www.oralcancerfoundation.org/emotional/index.htm

Grieving at http://www.oralcancerfoundation.org/emotional/patterns_of_grieving.htm

Didier,
It sounds like you have finally been able to pinpoint why this is bothering you so much, which is good. You did the best you could as a caregiver for your father. The fact he did not appreciate it, is neither here or there. It is unfortunate that he left you with such hateful words, but he probably didn't mean it.

The last 11 months of my fathers life were hell. He was home with my mother and nursing care. This man, who was in this condition because he took off on his walker in them middle of the night to reach his beloved wife who was in the hospital, said some of the most awful things to my mother during those 11 months. I know she knows he didn't mean any of them, but it hurt her. She wanted him at hospice in the end. I think this was the reason. Think about getting some therapy to discuss this. I think you will find that you are not alone. You did the best you could.

Take care,
Eileen

Minky, yeah he's from the Depression era. Gary, thanks again. Your thoughts are always very helpful. Brian, thank you for the links, I browsed through the grieving info and it surely hits home w/me. Amy and Eileen, yep I'm working this thing out. I don't want to do anything self destructive. I really watch myself because I don't know that I necessarily trust myself around certain things (meds or booze) if I'm having a difficult time. I do believe that my dad truly appreciated what I did for him, with the exception of taking him to the hospital. For whatever reason, his final wish was to die at home and I still feel bad that I wasn't able to keep my word regardless that the hospital was the best place for him to be. I'll get over it. I just wish that he would have agreed with my decision and we could have had a hug and a kiss and an I love you as opposed to what was said. It's not the way I wanted things left. I wish I could pick up the phone now and say hey, pop. Can we discuss this?...and he'd probably understand why I did what I did. I don't like breaking promises, but this was one that I couldn't hold up my end of the bargain.
I think he could rationalize that, I hope so anyhow. I honestly did the best I could given the situation. I need to understand that for myself and hope that he would be able to understand that as well. Thanks everyone for your thoughts and for letting me put mine down. It's helping me sort things out. 3:10 AM, oh boy. I haven't been up this late, this consistently, since college.
My education continues thanks to everyone here. Thanks you guys...and good night. I hope you are all doing well. Best regards,

Sleepless in Chicago, Dave

Hello Dave,

Like Gary said he probably would't remember what he said to you. As far as your postings show you did the best you could. Who can ask for more than that? Stand tall "D" you deserve it.

Danny Boy