We just marked the 4th months anniversary of my brother's death. Somedays I think it is getting easier to handle and some days I just cry. A couple of nights ago I was having a really rough time - it was the year anniversary of the death of another close relative to cervical cancer. Just when I thought I couldn's sob any harder I thought of all of the wonderful people on this board. I logged on just to check and sure enough, you were still here! Even though I did not enter a message, the relief in finding myself among those who share in this battle brought me peace and I was finally able to sleep. To all of you who participate in this board, THANK YOU. From the bottom of my heart. Your dedication is worth more than you will ever know. And Danny, I am working on a way to make some type of monthly contribution to the site.
Bless you all.
Tonya

Hello Tonya

You have contributed so much here, I would like to thank YOU. The memory of your brother's courage strengthens us all.

Love and light from Helen

Hi Tonya,
I keep thinking to myself, it is going to get easier.
Dec. 1, will be the 2nd month since I lost my Mother to this horrible disease.

The Holiday season has not helped much since we were always together. Some days, I feel a sense of strength coming from her, others, I sob like a baby. I chose to work this Thankgiving because we had a tradition of her calling to wake me every holiday and greeting the day. I couldn't bear to be at home with no call coming.
I too find myself coming back here when I feel the need to "connect" with someone who can relate to my pain and sorrow...and in return, I log off with a sense of security and thankfulness

Bless all,
dee

Thank you Helen.
Dee, please know you are not alone as this holiday approaches. I can't even bring myself to think of the day's activities, yet. I can't sleep and I find myself crying softly at work, sobbing uncontrollably when I am alone at home and trying to force the tears inside each night so I don't wake my husband, but I usually do. I can't even do my Christmas shopping because I keep thinking, "David can't buy Christmas gifts for his little girl anymore." - He always took his time to find the most thoughtful and perfect gift for everyone. That always amazed me - him being a man and all (just a joke, guys). I did get a tree up but Fall and Thanksgiving passed me by. I keep telling myself I have to do these holdiay things for my son - He's 14 and still expects the traditions of the holidays. Then I sit at his basketball games and try to hide my tears because I can't keep my mind on the game, I can only think of David. I know, I need help, but I'm already on an antidepressant and ambien -and I still lie awake at night. I went to one therapist - he just wanted to put me on even MORE medication. I don't think that's my answer. My husband has given me until the first of the new year to get better then he is going to insist upon my getting help. I just love and miss my brother. I tell myself all the usual things - he's in a better place; he's no longer hurting (that helps some because his pain was SO severe) - then I just get mad he had to ever hurt like that at all. I guess the moral of my story is, these are hard times and we need more than just ourselves to get through. Lean on your friends, do something nice for someone who is sick or struggling (this has helped me, too). I really have no answers, but I am here and offer you what little strength I have. Maybe if we can gain a little strength from each person in our lives we will have enough to get through the holidays. I pray your loved ones surround you and remember - they don't have to be family. Seek out friends, old and new. Please email me if you would like - though after reading this post you will probably ask,"Why would I ever want to talk to this depressed of a person." I think alot of my grief stems from the belief that others around me are not grieving enough. David's wife started mentioning to me a guy she would like to date less than 2 months after David passed and says things like, "Sometimes I really miss having someone around to talk to, then I'm like, not really." or "Now I can grow my fingernails long without having to listen to someone gripe about it." She's not trying to be mean, she just doesn't think before she speaks - or think about who she is speaking to for that matter. It just rips my heart open to think she did not love him enough. Well, enough venting. I'm so sorry, I guess I do need to find a professional to talk to this about. May God bless us all.

Tonya, you've got to pull it together for your son and husband and yourself. Do whatever it takes to find the strength to get beyond December.
Life is life and life has to be dealt with. I'm sending this post with strong hugs. Amy

Tonya I do not post often but like you I am having a really hard time dealing with the death of my mom. It's been almost a year to the day that I lost my mom unexpectdly. I was her primary caregiver and we had went through the chemo and radiation and we thought we had got past the hard stuff. 5 months after treatment she died alone in the hospital and I never even got the chance to say good-bye. I like you keep trying to tell myself she is in a better place, and is at peace, but it still hurts so much. My dad is now alone, well he has us, but they had so many dreams, and he is in so much pain . I try to be strong for him but it is hard. I want the holidays to be over. I have a little girl that is 6 and she keeps asking me, mommy why dont you like Christmas? I guess because it was my moms favorite holiday, and she died 8 days befor. She keeps telling me not to worry about it and that Santa will take care of everything. I want to make this holiday special, and I am going to try.
Tonya i just want you to know You are not alone in this. And we will get through it.

Tonya and Karen
Of course there is no easy answer and no magic way any of us can really console you or fix your broken hearts but if you read between the lines in your posts there is a common theme we all need to remember sometimes especially at this time of the year. I don't mean to sound pollyanna but each of you still have people in your lives that are pulling at you to not let your grief over come you... children. Most children typically are very sensitive to what is going on around them and instinctively seem to know when to expect attention and when not to push you to far. I know it doesn't always seem that way but if you look at their behavior in a crisis you'll see it is usually true. Now your children are trying to pull you into the wonder of the holiday season. If only for little moments you take time to share with them the real joys of the season...family,charity,friends,traditions and remember what those times when you had the opportunity to share them with your Mom and your brother mean to you. You will honor them by remembering them and sharing those stories as you make new special memories for your family to carry forward.
Tonya, Davids wife seems to working on detaching probably to protect herself emotionally and while it doesn't seem right to you she is entitled to cope how she chooses please don't judge her too harshly or her love for him by that. Your niece I am sure is going to have her own sense of loss this season, maybe you can do something with her or for her that will be a reflection of your brothers special thoughtfullness? It doesn't have to be extravagant maybe do something her Dad liked to do when you were kids?
Karen, I can imagine how unbelievably hard this will be for you but if your mother truly loved Christmas then don't you think that how much she loved it could be a legacy her granddaughter should know about and is entitled to. I know it hurts but wouldn't you rather have your daughter love Christmas too than just thinking it is time that makes Mommy sad? My Mom lost both her parents in close proximity of her birthday though years apart and since my Grandmother died she says she doesn't want to celebrate her birthday anymore she feels it is jinxed and she's not so hot about the holidays either. I am grown now and it still really upsets me that she feels that way, partly because I know my Grandmother and she wouldn't have liked that attitude or the blame at all.
TRUST ME on this one the holiday doesn't have to be super special for your kids I am sure just plain simple "new normal" whatever that is for you and whatever you feel you can do will be just perfect.
Out of the mouths of babes...I too truly believe in some way that you may not realize, Santa will fix it at least a little bit and through the wonder that is your children and the very special angels who are watching over you will get through it. Hugs AND Strength...Peace Denise

Charles Dickens Scrooge said it all HUMBUG..
In the last 16 months I have had my op, lost my Dad March, and my Mum September, I'm still trying to clear my Mums things and as we share the house and she lived here for 50 years that's hard...
I have decided that I dictate the pace at which I let go of my Mum. If others find me wanting in some way that is their problem, NOT MINE.. She was my Mum for 57years and I will let her go at my speed.
Today I put many small items in the trash, yes I know that has to be but it doesn't make it any easier, ever piece of paper she wrote on contains her personality, every trinket she kept contains her memories...
I wish I had children, children are the future and the future needs nurturing...
My Mums Twin Grandsons are 14 and one of them said to me the hardest thing is not being able to talk to them again, out of the mouths of babes...
So yes I'm sure will can do this but it will be one of the hardest things we have ever done..
Sunshine... love and hugs
Helen

Tonya and all,
I was in the middle of writing a post telling you that it's okay to grieve in your own way for as long as you need, that you need to think of your family, that the holidays are especially hard, etc., etc. Then I realized that a lot of what I was writing has been said so many times before on this forum that most of you already know these things in your head. It's just hard sometimes to get your heart to understand. So I thought that perhaps the best way I could help is to let you know that it truly does get easier.

That may sound trite, but it really is true. Heather has been gone just a bit over 2 years now (October 6, 2003) and I can honestly say that my grief has eased quite a bit. I won't tell you that I never cry anymore, because I still do. But it is a lot less frequent now. And where my crying jags used to last for days or at least hours, they now are usually brief. Like a sudden summer rainstorm, they can be intense, but they pass rather quickly.

I am still angry sometimes at the injustice of it all. I still feel a bit of guilt that I wasn't able to somehow miraculously save Heather. I still ache because my granddaughter Cati has to grow up without her mother. And there is still a hole in my heart that I know will always be there. BUT, the anger is muted, the guilt has lessened, I can see that Cati is going to be okay and the hole is starting to fill with good memories. I am truly doing much, much better than I was a year ago or even 6 months ago. It may be hard for you to see now, but your grief will diminish, too. Your loved one will always live on in your heart and the day will come when you realize that the good memories outweigh the bad. Your grief will be but a tiny part of you and will rear its head only infrequently.

Tonya, it may help you to go to a grief counselor, but I think it may be more helpful for you to find a grief support group. Being able to share with others who have lost loved ones may be more beneficial. Your husband also needs to realize that you need time to heal. 4 months is but a drop in the bucket when you compare it to the time you had with David and the future time that you should have had with him. You have barely begun the healing process. I hope your husband can give you the time you need.

I think Denise made some really good points. Children can help draw you into the wonder of the season if you will just try to see it through their eyes. It may be hard to do, but trying to share their joy in the season should help you to shed some of your grief, at least for a short while.

Helen,
You are one tough cookie and I know you will get through this, and on your own terms, too. You are exactly right about it being "their" problem, not yours. You have every right to hang on or let go at your own speed. You just keep on keepin' on, girl!

Rainbows & hugs,
Rosie

Tonya: I agree with Denise, you might find solace in sharing something, a memory? your sorrow? with your niece. She is greiving too and you might find something to do with her, in memory of her father & your brother (buy a special gift for her mother? Plant a perennial for her dad? maybe start a place in your yard, a memorial, to family members?). There are ways of sharing grief that help soothe the emotions.

Rosie has a great idea too, a grief support group might be very helpful (and a few months is nothing in the grieving process!).

Finally, my dad died 10 years ago (at a ripe old age, so the grief was a bit less intense than for your young brother) and I still find myself wanting to talk to him, to get his advice, his 'take' on things that are happening. I don't think that will ever end. I think people we love deeply are always in our hearts & our memories. Your brother will always be in yours. - Candace
p.s. My brother (who now has a reoccurrance of his cancer) planted a memorial garden to his father-in-law. It has a bench and a sign that says "Gene's Bud-Light Beer Garden Memorial" or something like that. There is a bench and roses (or azalea? Don't remember). They sit out there once in a while & drink a beer to Gene. It is a nice, happy reminder of Gene.