Every few months I have a bad sleepless night. Tonight is one of them. I miss my dad, I'm frustrated that I can't get my mom back to a more comfortable lifestyle, and I feel guilty about a lot of issues involving my marriage. My wife has taken on the brunt of the financial responsibility of our life, and she too hasn't had an easy time having to live with me with my mind in and out of the clouds for the past two years. During this period of time, she suffered a miscarriage, has had terrible side effects from fertility treatment, and her mother attempted suicide. All of this crap just runs through my mind to the point that I can't sleep. I have a lot to be grateful for, but these knocks have taken a bit of the wind out of my sails. I admit that I'm at a weakened point, for whatever reason, and I shouldn't let these events victimize me, but I'm finding it a little difficult trying to maintain a positive attitude and a somewhat normal lifestyle.
Lately I've been struggling with getting out of bed in the morning. I know things can be worse, thank God they're not. I'm having enough difficulty with the crap currently on my plate
I don't want to take antidepressants, although I have been taking Valium to help me relax for the past several nights. I have these passing phases that I need to take control of. I had hoped that by now I would have figured out how to manage these episodes.
I'm seriously thinking about talking with a counselor of some sort just to help me deal with these emotions. I took advantage of grief counseling after my dad's death. I thought I had that under control, but for whatever reason I'm having difficulty with it again, in addition to the other things that have been going on.
Why does all of this crap surface when I'm trying to relax and fall asleep? I wish I could just disappear and collect my thoughts... or like on the old TV show Bewitched where Samantha could freeze a moment and figure out how to handle a situation. When she figured it out, she'd wiggle her nose and life around her would continue according to plan. Each day passes by, and I've yet to figure things out. I'm trying to keep as much negativity out of my life, which is helpful. I guess that one of the things I need to do is kick myself in the ass real hard and just deal with it. I try to think of role models, individuals who have been prisoners of war, who overcame horrendous ordeals.
If they can do that, I should be able to deal with my situation...it just gets challenging every now and then. Sometimes I just want to cry for a couple of minutes. I've had a relapse of sorts. When I do fall asleep, it's not uncommon to wake up sweating and having difficulty breathing. Maybe I need to start exercising more to help burn off some of the stress that I've been experiencing. I'm looking for any ideas on what direction I may want to consider. I've got to overcome and deal with these feelings. Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks.
Dave

Dave,
Your particular road seems exceptionally rough, and it makes the problems in our little household seem trivial. I, too, have sleepless nights (and find I must take Lunesta or Ambien to get any sleep at all) and every little problem out there magnifies itself.
DO start exercising more! It truly will help you release the tension! I have become a real believer in the power of physical exertion over mental pain - as much as I hate to work out. Wish I had a swimming pool, however!
Tom has said that he, too, has been waking up sweaty and with that horrible 'panic attack' feeling. I think he relives those hated radiation sessions when he felt so totally helpless. He has become a more prayerful soul, and he tells me that helps him get through the night...and sometimes back to sleep.
God bless your wife for the year she has had, but I'm sure she is grateful that you are with her - despite everything. I thank Tom every day that he has worked so hard to get well - - - I happily take him with his raspy voice, his too-slim body, his thinned-out beard, his 'second belly-button (from the feeding tube), and what he calls his 'turtle neck.' Although it is difficult at times, he and I both put emphasis on what he has survived so that everything else falls into perspective. We have to do this again and again, and I'm sure we'll continue to do so. I know it hurts him (me, too) when we see his brother who looks so much like Tom did before all this happened. My heart aches, and I spend a day or two feeling sorry for Tom and for me, but then I do the 'perspective thing' and I'm okay for awhile.
I'm sorry I have nothing better to offer, Dave, but know that we will have you in our prayers and thoughts.
Give your wife a big hug from us, too! We are aware, to some degree, of what she is suffering.
Love
Nicki

Hello Dave,

You have been one hell of a caregiver to both your parents. The love you have for them leaps off your postings. Although your Dad is gone I'm sure your Mother appreciates you more than you know.
It's tough on the wife of a patiant or caregiver. There's only so much time in a day. Give your wife a big hug for me and tell her how you feel. She sounds like a great person.
Don't beat yourself up over things you can't control. You know as well as anyone how much you've done.
Thats the biggest problem with this diaease, There are times it controls us. Hoping what I said makes some kind of sense to you and sleep tight.

Danny Boy

Hi, Dave. Just want to encourage the exercise AND exploring some counseling. Altho I say to myself everyday that"God doesn't give us more than we can handle", I'm kinda feeling that he has pushed it a little far lately. Sounds like your family is feeling that way also. Well, here we are,"this is our life" so I guess we gotta figure out how to live it. I'll be pulling for your family. Amy

Dave, I want you to know you are not alone.

I have not slept in so long I cannot remember. I usually get to sleep between 4am and 6am. I get up around 9am. Except on days like today where I went to sleep at 4 and got up at 6:45 to take Harry to the hospital for an outpatient procedure.

It is after 9pm and I am sitting in class. I will not get home until after 10pm and then I have to eat. Harry will be sleeping when I get home but I will be up most of the night.

I have so much on my mind, not the least of which are: my marriage is failing for reasons I cannot control and I cannot fix, my children have been gone since June 4th, my mind just refuses to let go sometimes, and other various small reasons.

I have made attempts at various ways to try to deal with my sleeplessness and none have been successful. I have tried pills, I fold origami, I play on the Net, study my school stuff, etc. etc.

The reality is that nothing really works so I have given up trying to fight it anymore. I drive a lot. I leave the house around midnight and I drive all over East Texas. I go to little towns and neat places that I have really never had time to see. I find peace out on the road and I can clear my mind. I also have time to organize my thoughts and I discover the beauty of what the darkness has to offer.

I take 35mm film pictures at night of things I see. It helps me to focus on finding good things, things that are beautiful.

I struggle everyday with my life, trying to find a way through and to be honest I am not always very good at it. I have tried other less brilliant ways of managing the pain but they always wear off and then I am stuck right back where I was when I started. Although there are times when the temporary escape is very necessary.

I have 2 friends that I can tell all of my secrets to and without them I fear that through all of this I would not be here now. I email them and talk to them on the phone and visit in person when I need it most. They are my grounding that keeps me from jumping off of the bridge.

The man that I live with and love so dearly has allowed himself to fall into the pit of dispair and he is so far down he cannot see me standing at the top. I feel like I live in a house painted black and I have to go elsewhere to find something to make me happy.

I don't know if he knows that I am not home in the night. I never asks and he has never said anything. I wish I could explain to him the journey I am on and that he would actually try to understand. But he can't because he cannot see beyond himself right now. Believe me, it is the saddest thing that has ever happened in my life. I cannot help him, I cannot make him happy, I cannot help him in anyway at all because he has shut me out.

He says he wants to be happy and that he loves me and he wants us to stay together, but when the moments occur when he needs to act his words he fails everytime.

It is wearing on me for sure.

You my friend are now an official member of the night owl club. You might be surprised how many of us there are out here. I have many friends and they all know that I never sleep so they call me whenever they want to.

I completely understand what you are going through, although you are the patient and I am the caregiver, we are both struggling with some issues that are not easy for anyone but are made worse by having our lives flipped upside down by this disease.

Hang in there! If I am still standing then anyone can make it. Trust me on this.

email me anytime you want to talk. I am always awake. :-)

Cindy

Dave: You certainly sound depressed. Depression is a biological condition made worse/sometimes precipitated by stress. There are all sorts of different anti-depressants out now, some work on sleeplessness, some on anxiety, some are broad in their impact. Once you realize that depression is a biological imbalance, like diabetes, you may be more receptive to antidepressants.

You do need to see a counselor, too. Seeing a counselor will help with the sleeplessness/anxiety since it should give you an opportunity to explore what issues might be causing the sleeplessness, etc. Sometimes talking thru an issue takes time and the antidepressants help you live thru the time it takes to acknowledge those issues. You have had a lot of difficult things happen to you in the last few years, so it is no wonder you are having sleeplessness, etc. Get thee to a doctor AND to a counselor!! Good Luck!

Hi Dave! Sure sounds like you are big candidate for an excersize program of some sort! Find something you enjoy doing like biking, hiking, running, swimming, climbing, construction demolition comes to mind! Very physical, hard work! It does a mind & body good! Maybe landscaping, rock wall building, be creative! Keep yer chin up bub! Erik

someone may have told you this already, but Valium for me, makes me feel very depressed for what it's worth.

Also, I've always noted that any issue troubling me is 40% worse at night time.

Not sure why, and certainly don't know if this is true for others, but for some reason night time magnifies all my worries.

Just thought I'd let you know my thoughts.

Dave,
As a person who once experienced severe depression after cancer treatment, my advice to you is to get medical help as soon as possible before the situation deteriorates.Whether you like it or not, anti-depressants are essential if your mind is full of negative thoughts: feeling guilty and helpless.For me, not only nights were intolerable but also day time when I was all alone without any enery or drive to do anything. It is good that you can ventilate here but after all,we are not medical professionals. You may need some medical counseling. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Cheer up.

Karen

Dave,
I was very depressed when my radiation treatments ended. I would look at that feeding tube after my 8AM feeding, and think to myself:
" now what do I have to look forward to today...my noon feeding?" I sought counselling, but what really turned it around for me was something very simple...I started taking a walk every morning. It was only a couple of miles and took less than an hour, but just getting out in the pretty neighborhood and walking each day, stopping to pet a friendly dog that sat in her yard each day, saying hi to people that I became familiar with, made me feel so much better. I also would make sure that I had a couple of errands to run each day, even if it meant just a short ride to the pharmacy. Since I lived alone, I also got friends to drop by and visit fairly often. Then I found a men's support group that I attended once a month.
You have a lot on your mind, and nights can be rough, but, in my case at least, things began to improve and today, life is sweet.

Best wishes,
Danny G.

Hi Cindy,
Keep in mind that Harry is only a couple months past end of treatment, he probably has a tough time seeing beyond himself right now. Working on the marital problems right now and wanting him to act on his words may be setting you both up for failure at this stage of treatment. I couldn't imagine having to deal with marital problems in his physical and mental shape. He is probably deep in the part of this process that has us possesed by fear of the cancer coming back and a certainty that we are going to die. I know at two months out it consumed me.
Don't be so hard on yourself or on Harry. You may be asking to much of him and of yourself. Marital problems are no easy issue and I'm not making light of them, but you may help Harry more by putting them on a back burner now and let him focus on beginning to feel normal again. Speaking from a patients end, at two months out of treatment I certainly wasn't thinking rationally.
Take care,
Minnie

Hi Dave: I want to follow-up on what Danny G. and Erik said about exercise. Exercise is an excellent antidote to depression. I know this from personal experience. If you can get yourself up and out and doing something (walking, swimming, biking), it will help tremendously with depression.

However, If you find yourself lying in bed (or on the couch in a fetal position), or at least unable to leave the house, then you need to get to a doctor to get antidepressants. Good luck! Candace