I think I'm burning out. I'm fighting a fire that I can't extinguish: cancer has consumed my life, and my parent's lives, for the past 17 months. I'm tired. I admitted my dad to the hospital today. The poor guy is so uncomfortable. He can barely walk, his breathing is labored, it's just not good. The meds have him drifting in and out, he's not eating. He doesn't want to accept any help from me or anyone else...I don't know what to do. I've let my business unravel at the seams, sometimes I don' want to shower or shave...or wake up. I generally have to take medications to fall asleep, I don't care to socialize with friends anymore. Nothing matters to me except keeping my parents alive, comfortable and happy...and the problem, the reality, is -- I can't do it. It's absolutely beyond my control and thats been a really bitter pill for me to swallow. I have got to pull myself together, and I don't know how. I'm not a religious person, so that's not an avenue for me. I've spoken with a couple of hospital social workers, I talk with my wife about what I'm going through, I've spoken with some other caregivers, yet I still feel deflated and defeated. I want my dad's remaining days to be as good as possible, and I try to be upbeat and make him laugh in an attempt to keep our minds off of his illness, but it's not easy. I want to enjoy the days instead of wasting them being angry or sad or depressed, but I'm finding it really difficult. I took him out for a drive this past Sunday, but he lectured me that I should be spending time with my wife, and having surgery for a problem that I have, instead of worrying about him. How can I not worry? It's hard to see someone who is a powerful force in my life being beaten up by disease. Then there's my mom who still can't eat and lost another 8 pounds. I don't know what to do for her. I don't know what to do about anything right now. That's not a good feeling. I feel like I'm drowning. Lately every time I get some good news and feel like I can start to focus on something other than cancer, the damn disease rears its head again and pulls me back into its vortex. Cancer sucks.

Wow... I don't even know what to say except to agree with you that cancer sucks and that we are here for you anytime you need to vent, cry, share, ask questions, whatever.

Thanks for being so honest and vulnerable with us... I will pray that God gives you strength, endurance and comfort -- and that you can find that something you need to lift you out of the rough waters that make you feel like you are drowning...

Pulling for you and your family,
Eric

Didier,
boy did your post bring back some caretaking memories! I spent a few years in cognitive therapy after the experience. Went through guilt trips that I didn't do enough or what I did do, I could have done better. Business and relationships went in the toilet and I had NO control over my life. My psychologist freed me up a little when he told me that I wasn't responsible to DO everything - just insure that it got done. So I got help and some respite care to take at least part of my life back. I also went through the greiving process for my old, pre-caregiving life. It made more sense to me after I accepted that fact. There were times that I was really angry about the whole thing.

You need to take care of yourself. You won't be worth anything to anybody if you don't. Find some help, take a day or two off. Sometimes the local churches will have an eldercare ministry for providing respite care. A support group is a good place to vent and find others going through the same experience. You may find additional resources to help you out there as well.

If your dad is terminal the hospice programs provide respite services as well. I would have never gotten through the process without them.

I have lost both of my parents and it's hard not to see yourself there as well. My father died from non Hodgkins Lymphoma and my mother had a massive heart attack. It really sucked. I know exactly how you feel...

Hi Didier,

I can't add much to what Gary has already suggested. However I can tell you how much your love for your parents come through in your postings. They raised one hell of a son!! You have done all you can, don't beat yourself up over things you can't comtrol. Stand Tall D!!!!

My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family during this most diffucult time.

Danny Boy

Hey Didier,
Same here...you are such a great son and so compassionate. My prayers are with you as you try and regain some life back in you. When I get so down, I cry out to the Lord and it helps me feel better. No cures or promises, of course, just that I know one day we will be in a better place than this.
Will lift you up in extra prayer today that you will find the strength you need to go on.
Deb

Didier,

Cancer most certainly sucks. It is life-changing and all-consuming. There were times that I wanted so badly to talk about anything else but cancer, yet cancer and my late husband's upcoming treatments seemed to dominate every conversation. The little things that happen day to day didn't seem to matter anymore once cancer entered our lives.

I also recognized a lot of what you share in your post as things I have felt over the last year and a half. I felt that is was my duty to not let Scott see me "deflated and defeated," but ultimately, I couldn't keep up the act. I literally cried on his shoulder in the days before he died. I was so tired for me and for him.

Of course your parents are worried about you and you about them; consider letting your true feelings show. You've done an admirable job trying to boost their spirits and take care of them through this horrible ordeal. Maybe they need permission to let their guard down, too.

Christine

Didier: Wow, what a tough time for you. I do have one suggestion and it is antidepressants. I work in the mental health field (research, I am not a clinical person) and one thing that is very exciting is the profusion of new antidepression medications coming on the market. They are no longer sleep inducing & most have few side effects. Some target anxiety, some target depression.

You sound depressed in your posting and it would be amazing if you were not given the heavy burden you are dealing with. Situational depression can be helped by many of the new meds. Many of my friends have had to deal with aging parents and fatal diseases in the last 2-3 years and I have been surprised at how many get very depressed in the process. One friend finally took several months off from work just to deal with his mother's situation. He took antidepressants too. Your reaction is fairly typical. However, You cannot keep helping your parents if you don't take care of yourself. Please think about seeing your primary health care doctor about antidepressants. They won't make you a happy go-lucky guy, but they will help you deal with anxiety and depression caused by the tough situation you are in. Good luck!

Thanks everyone for your notes, I really appreciate everything that you've said and suggested. I'm going to get myself some help, I've got to. I'll talk with you soon. Please take care of yourselves and I'll be back as soon as I've got things under a little better control. Best wishes,
D

Oh wow DIDier, God bless you. You are burnt out. I would not even know where to begin so I won't. You have your hands full, I cannot even imagine the pressure you must be under. I just cannot. Your parents have done a wonderful job with you I can say that. Their work is done and it is a masterpiece, and that is you..There aren't many sons like you out there, so take a bow, you deserve it. I wish I knew your family so I could have seen all the love over the years that must have just poured out into the streets. It was a beautiful love then and it is lovely today. I have a vision in my own mind of what it is like, It will take your breath away. Can I say this tho, I am jealous a little, because I never got to see my parents grow up. So I am using the vision that I have of yours, I pray that you would not mind. God Bless You and Love YOU Always,,Miss Vicki