My Mom is just about four weeks post therapy and all signs indicate she's coming along well. I'm looking forward to her follow-up visit with the ENT and having a CT scan next week. I am grateful for her progress, but I have been experiencing a lot of anger lately. I am angry at the docs who told her the sore in her mouth was nothing to be concerned with. Although it's been months since this all took place, it has put me in a very ugly state of mind. I don't know why I am having this delayed reaction. Perhaps because I've had a little time to process everything that has taken place. I can't stand being around myself, and I'm not pleasant to be around either. I have no patience and I just want to be alone. I feel so bad for my wife because I have been in such a foul mood that I have been retreating from her and everyone else. The poor woman had a miscarriage a week ago and I've done my best to be there for her, but it's not easy. I feel so overwhelmed emotionally with from Mom's cancer, trying to have a child and business being kind of crummy lately, I just want to hide from everyone for about a week so that I can sleep and think. It would be nice to get away from phones and worries...just me and my thoughts. I need to digest whats taken place over the past ten months so that I can straighten out my head, get rid of this anger and learn to live with the cards that have been dealt. This year is really nothing but a blur to me. I look back on it and I feel as though I've been watching someone else's life. It's strange.

Hi
Take care you are on a well known slippery slope called depression! You are not the first and you wont be the last, look back a couple of weeks to a post of mine! GET HELP NOW! This is an order from me to you sent purely as a friend, I go back docs tomorrow, I still need more help, dont be to proud to ask, once in the hole just gets deeper. Take care I will be rooting for you
All my best wishes
Helen

Helen is right, you are describing some of the classic symptoms of clinical depression. This is more than feeling bad, but actually a physical condition that can affect your mood. I would take the time to visit a doctor for a talk and perhaps an Rx for a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor. I can tell you this is a common occurrence in caregivers as well as patients. It is not something that you can reason your way through...believe me I thought I could and was not able to. The medication made it possible for me to get back on track in relatively short time; about 3 weeks...I kept taking it for about 6 months and then went off of it. You might consider this as something worth looking into. Remember that only a MD or a psychiatrist can prescribe medications not a psychologist

Brian is right that depression is common among both patients and caregivers. It knocks at your door without your noticing it because you won't believe yourself a candidate of emotional illness. I was admitted to hospital for treatment of severe depression in April last year and discharged after about 4 weeks. I am still on anti-depressant with a gradual cut in dose. Even though I feel myself very normal emotionally, the psychiatrist refuses to cut off the medication fearing that depression will recur. He has a schedule on treating me and I have full trust on him. Depression is sometimes more scary than cancer.

Karen stage 4 tonsil cancer diagnosed in 9/01.

I have to agree....it sounds like you are dealing with the same feelings that I had (still have to a point). Please see your doctor. There are things to help you through this. Depression is not "just in your head". It's not a bad point of view.....weakness in character....if anything, I believe it is a characteristic of a sensitive soul, who is on temporary overload.
Bless,
Mandi

Hi didier:

I want to applaud you for having the courage to share the raw painful feelings you are having with us here. Acknowledging that you feel overwhelmed and angry is a huge step in the process of coping and you seem on your way. Feel free to continue to use this forum as a safe haven to talk about youe feelings since they are familiar to most of us and you aren't alone.

Seeking some professional support seems like a logical and wise thing to do given the depth of your feelings and the other multiple life issues you are dealing with currently. A good therapist can "hold the bag" while you fill it with emotional tools that will serve you well throughout this process. Luckily, I have an oustanding therapist and mentor who helped make the difference coping with Dave's cancer diagnosis and recovery process.

With good wishes,

Kim

Hi didier:

I want to applaud you for having the courage to share the raw painful feelings you are having with us here. Acknowledging that you feel overwhelmed and angry is a huge step in the process of coping and you seem on your way. Feel free to continue to use this forum as a safe haven to talk about youe feelings since they are familiar to most of us and you aren't alone.

Seeking some professional support seems like a logical and wise thing to do given the depth of your feelings and the other multiple life issues you are dealing with currently. A good therapist can "hold the bag" while you fill it with emotional tools that will serve you well throughout this process. Luckily, I have an oustanding therapist and mentor who helped make the difference coping with Dave's cancer diagnosis and recovery process.

With good wishes,

Kim

You want to talk about anger and depression..........Frank is in Boston and I`m in Maine.....the radiation mask has brought back his PTSD, he`s scared to death, if you`ve ever seen someone with a flashback you know what I`m talking about.........all I`ve done is cry all day and figure out where I can board our elderly dog......if I leave her it will kill her...........so what the hell do I do..........5 years of this shit starts to wear on your soul

Packer66,

I know from your past posts you have inner strength. It seems right now you need to lean on someone who I hope is close enough for you to reach out to. Maybe you can find a place to stay near Frank that will allow your dog. some motels do. What ever you decide to do will be the right choice I'm sure. I wish you both the best. Hang in there.
Diane

Hey Dee:

When your soul is weary there are others to help carry the burden, I have been amazed by the number of OCF family members who have contacted me to send cards to Frank and wish him well. He is well loved here-and so are you.

Keep venting-there a many to listen and our collective heart is big.

Please indicate if it is okay to post Frank's last name (or do so yourself so cards can be sent directly to him)

Hang in there,

Kim

FRANK SHERMAN

Dear Dee,

Holiday Inns and a least some Days Inns allow dogs. I'm certain there are other chains that allow dogs. Could one of your kids watch the dog for a while. Any neighbor who the dog could move in with for a few days.

Both you Frank must be frantic right now. What he is going through is so scary. I went for a simple MRI of the head and flipped when they put the mask on me. Brought back all those horrible memories of radiation.

Besides his name, we need the address to mail the cards to. Tell him we are all pulling for him and please take care of yourself. Let us know if there is any way we can help you.

Eileen

UPDATE.........Rank Sherman doesn`t have a permanet addresss......they are finally doing what the "nurse' suggested, put him rehab, and allow him to rest beterrn treatment.............DUD........6 surgeries and rad in 5 years isn`t to condusive toward recovery.........................Everyone stay calm for me...................LOVE, Packer and Dee

For packer and dee
Yes 5 years is a long haul but that part is under your belts, NOW is the important word. NOW as you say calm, but also with an inner strengh which we all know you both have, you are both in my thoughts and prayers now and always
love Helen

Has anyone noticed that I`m losing my spelling skills ?????? My mind may be next...........hey anyone have a zip code for me ? I`m too blithered to research..............Love Ya Guys......Dee

Dee, the zip code for Brookline Ma is 02445. Have you tried the Holiday Inn in Brookline yet about the dog? I'm sure they will allow you to bring him/her? The one down the street from me lets guests bring their dogs when staying there. Keep calm, take a few deep breaths, meditate, then focus on one step at a time. I know, easy for me to say but I know you are strong enough to get thru this. Keep us posted on both of your progresses, we care deeply for you guys!

Julie D.

Update...well Frank seems to be doing ok..doc is pleased with his progress. But, I had to ask him the prognosis, he said a couple of months to a couple of years.......I simply cannot fail this man. It`s funny, I was thinking of the Elephant Man`s disfigurement and the nobility he had in his soul.........Frank is disfigured, he drools, I wipe, people stare, but he just keeps on fighting..I have to help with his bath, none of this has ever affected me, as a nurse....but for Frank to lose so much and be in nearly constant pain for the past two years........I`ve been scared with all his surgeries,but right now I`m dealing with a terrible sadness, knowing this is how life will be without him. I would never ever trade places with anyone, I feel so honored to be on this path with him............I`ve just been having a bad time this time, but the good news hopefully, I`ll be going to Boston on Thur and Fri to see him. Just feeling down guys, needed to vent some.........Prayers to all of us.......Dee

Hi Dee
I was just climbing up a wall when I read your post, come and join me, we can climb the same wall be good to have company! I am sinking a bottle of wine, can you join me? My husband is out of hospital today he has pnuemonia, think his treatment for his prostate cancer is messing him up, we were going on holiday on monday to spain but he cannot fly for two weeks, hence the wine and before anyone tells me I KNOW I SHOUDN'T but life is always about some risks. Dee is there no way you can get to see Frank sooner, then you could get down off your bit of wall!
Thinking of you, cheers, there goes another glass of wine, please take care of yourself we need to know that you are ok too!!
luv helen

Hi Dee:

As we speak, leaving to go and visit Frank. I've tried twice this week only to discover that he was discharged and courtesy of HIPAA, I couldn't find out where he went because I'm not family (I guess they don't understand OCF at the hospital). UGGH!!! Anyway, now I know and we're off with presents in tow. Will come back with an update.

Hang in,

Kim