Everyone has been so RIGHT in how we have to look at this healing process. Tom will have a good day, and the next he'll feel like a Mack truck hit him. Since it was beautiful yesterday, I had him take a walk around the gardens with me. Luckily, we have several benches scattered around, and we used them all, but the fresh air and the 'exercise' was good for both of us. Today, while I think the pain in his throat is subsiding a bit, I have a feeling that the depression factor might be kicking in.
This morning was the first time he ever used the word "scared." It threw me off balance for a moment, as he's the strongest man I've known - in so many ways. He said he feels much better when I am around, and when I'm away, a sinking feeling takes over. I don't really know how to deal with this - - I could take a leave of absence, but I don't know if that would be the best thing for him - - - generally I go into the office, do all my time-sensitive tasks, and then come on home. Last week, when he had a really good day, I was able to stay a full day and get back-logged items off my desk.

I have finally gotten a prescription for Paxil for myself. I cannot sleep now without taking a Xanax, but now I am finding myself crying in strange places like the grocery store.....and I really am not fully 'at work' when I'm sitting at my desk. I feel then like I am cheating my company because they are paying me for being distracted and not giving full time and attention to my job. Sigh..........
My paychecks have been about 1/2 of normal with all the time I've taken off. It is not all that important, I know, but then I feel like I'm not contributing to the budget....Heavier sigh...
Life is a b---h, but I'm so glad we are here to suffer through it.

Boy, did I just ramble? Sorry, friends, you are my sounding board and I am grateful to each of you.
OH, by the way - for those of you who might remember my mentioning the roses planted in our prayer garden......they are doing BEAUTIFULLY, and the one dedicated to this board is the MOST PROLIFIC BLOOMER! They are a soft pink ever-blooming variety - a 'carpet rose' I think....I cut a bloom yesterday to bring indoors and it reminds me to say a prayer for all of you!
Love
Nicki

Hello Nicki
Boy does your post bring back memories...is he on an anti-depressant, I can`t remember?
Take my advice , don`t take that leave of absence.
He is feeling very fragile right now and your staying home with him won`t help.
You need the social interaction that work gives you, apart from the money thing!
My worst moment came when I heard my husband crying in the shower,I guess he thought he was safe from my mollycoddling in there. it broke my heart. still does when I think about it . In fact this is the first time I have told anyone.
Hang in Nicki...things will be better soon..honest.
It`s nice to ramble every now and again, I can almost smell the roses.

Take care
Marica

He'll be ok! It will take the time it takes. Marica is right, don't take the leave now, save it for the holidays or whatever. There really isn't much you can do but feel sorry for him & when my wife was doing just that it just pissed me off! I had to go through that real depression & pull my ass up & out of it on my own. For me, I used my anger, at myself, the disease or whatever to drive myself to wellness or at least something better than the state I was in! One day I remember slouching up the stairs, chin down, chest in, shoulders forward, get the picture? Just dragging myself up those stairs! It hit me that if I was going to get out of my real funk, I was going to have to fake it first! I remembered something from one of my old Anthony Robbins tapes, to feel better about oneself, you must walk as if you are the most confident, proud person you can be! Chin up, chest out, shoulders back, smile! I actually started laughing at myself, but the whole thing worked somehow! Now I don't mean to say thats all it took but it was a heck of a start in the right direction! I marched over to the kitchen and choked and coughed down something more to eat, one more time leaning over the kitchen sink. One meal at a time, one glass of water at a time, finally the peg came out! The old saying comes to mind, how do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time! It can be done! Don't lose faith in him or yourself. Go to work & let him work through it. He'll be ok!

Hey Nikki,
I got layed off right after Dan started treatment and just now went back to work. I don't know if I could have worked. When Dan had trouble sleeping, so did I. We both spent many nites in the living room..Dan in the recliner and me on the couch sleeping off and on. We watched lots of tv together and took walks as Dan could. I also walked the dog on my own everyday which was my crying time to God to give me the strength and courage to watch my husband suffer and finds ways to help him, not pity him. As hard as it all was and still is, I would not trade all the time we were able to spend together. We had never had that time before and I cherish it. We didn't ever have to talk much...just being there together helped us both very much. I guess everyone is different, but I took the time and was very glad that I did. I think it actually helped Dan to have me there all the time.
God bless and take care,
Debbie

Nicki,

It sounds like you are getting some good use out of that prayer garden! This is difficult for me to say but keep in mind that you both are experiencing a very major loss in your lives...you old lives. Each of us grieves in our own way and we constantly travel through all the stages of grief on our own accord. The most important thing is for you to grieve and heal in your own way and let Tom grieve and heal in his own way. Work is a great distraction to allow you to refocus on life. The greatest thing about walking through the front door at work each day is that just before you leave your car, you can release all thoughts about what is going on. The neat thing is that when you return after you leave work, all the stuff will be waiting right where you left it. Take the moment that is presented to you to empty the reservoir. Refill it when you leave work. I know it sounds easy but it will take some time. Spend five minutes or so in your car before you go in to work and let it all go. Tell youself you will focus on work and nothing else. In a short period of time you will soon find that your attitude towards this horrible disease will improve and you will enjoy everything a bit more.

As I remember it, as the treatment subsided, I hated being away from Susan for even minutes at a time. I had a friend from church come over and we watched movies together. Actually, he watched movies while I slept! The time passed and I soon adapted to the differences in life.

Tom is so fortunate to have you and you are fortunate to have him. Crying at what seems like nothing is also part of the grieving process. When it changes to crying all the time, that is a sign if needing to call in the big guns. A cancer psychiatrist is trained to deal with all the issues both of you are going through and do not feel weak or less than if you have to ask for someone specially trained to help you process all you have both been through. This is not some little event in your lives.

I am praying for His healing hands, His comfort and peace for you and Tom.

Ed

Nicki,
It sounds to me like you need a vacation from both work and caregiving. Do you enjoy your job - I mean when you are not worn out, as you are now? If you do, if you have been finding fullfilment there, I think Ed's advice is great. If your job is adding to your stress and you can take a leave of absence, I would take one, at least for a couple of weeks. Then don't spend all of your time around Tom, go to the library or the gym and work on your own wellbeing.

My husband was unemployed during the worst of my treatment and post-treatment, and I was glad to have him around more than usual, but I was also glad to have him out of the house for a while, so i could wander around and feel as miserable as I wanted without anybody to bother me - OK, it doesn't sound very nice, but it's true.

What I am saying, do what is best for you, Tom does not need you 24 hours a day, but he will continue to be dependent on you for a long while, and that tires you out.

I am praying for you both. Leena

Nicki, the ED "the sage one" has said it all.

You need your work for several reasons, don't feel guilty for doing it. Tom will feel better with you around when you come home. He should find something to do that is rewarding for him. Something like volunteering at a nursing home, children's home, church, whatever suits him. Even if his energy level slumps he'll still benefit from the human interaction outside your home. You have done a beautiful job so far and I know you will continue to do a beautiful job.

As for the crying, if I had a dollar for every time I needed to cry I'd be very wealthy. I am certain it is normal (else I'm not normal, and I'll hate when that happens) and very thereputic. Don't worry about it at all.