Hello all,

I have not been on the forum in awhile but just had some questions. My Father is currently in the hospital and doctors have pretty much given us the survival time to be 3 weeks.

In Summary my father was first diagnosed with oral cancer in 8/03 with squamous cell carcinoma in the left cheek. At that time he was diagnosed with stage II. He had a radical neck dissection with and 30 Rad. Reoccurrence in his throat in 7/04 treated with cisplatin, Iressa and 30 Rad. Area that was treated came out clear in 11/04 but cancer had spread to the right side of his mouth. Throat swelled up and trach was placed in. He was in ICU for 2 weeks. Scans in 12/04 showed that the cancer had now spread to the skin of is chest, a lymph node in the lungs and the base of the skull. At this point the docs had estimated a month or so.

The doctors said it was not

Hi Swati,
I'm so sorry to hear about your father. It must be quite a load for him to handle to be told the cancer has returned again. Not to mention the effect it must have on you as a caregiver. I don't hae the knowledge needed to answer your question but I wanted to wish you well and get your post back to the top.
Minnie

Swati,
I am so sorry to hear your latest news. It is the time to consult with the local hospice people to find out what options you have to make your father as comfortable as possible. They do an exceptionally good job at pain management.

If you can find a window of opportunity to find out his wishes you should. Did he fill out advanced directives?

Swati:
I do not know your families religious beliefs, but as for me I believe that God has a plan for all of us and if it is in God's plan to call your father home let it be without suffering. You and your family are in my prayers, God Bless You.
Darrell

Swati,
It must be so hard to know which way to go at this point. I know what we have been thru and I am not sure how much more Dan was do as far as invasive surgerys and treatments if there was no sure answer. Know that you and your family are in my prayers and I agree with Darrell that God definitely has a plan for us all. It doesn't mean that I don't get very scared and sad, but He always helps me during the darkest times.
Take care and God bless,
Debbie

Swati, was sorry to read of your Dad's problems. I pray you and he and your family are comforted and that the Lord cares for you all during this very difficult time.

Swati,

I am so sorry to read the latest news about your father. I wouldn't presume to tell you what to do, but in the hope that it might help you with your decision, I can offer a few insights from my experience with my daughter Heather. The path she followed with her cancer was somewhat different than your Dad's, but I do see some similarities, so maybe some of what I say will be of some help.

Heather was only 28 when she was diagnosed with SCC of the base of the tongue. She and her husband had a 6 year old daughter and they had just bought their first house, so she had a lot to live for. She was a very strong person and she fought the disease for nearly 14 months with surgery, radiation and chemo.

She was first diagnosed in August 2002. The recurrence was diagnosed in March 2003 and by May her doctors had given up on a cure. They recommended chemo in the hope it would shrink the tumors and give her a little more time, but none of them expected her to survive long. Her condition was severe and she spent 11 weeks in the hospital from early April through late June. Against all odds, she was able to leave the hospital and come home. We set up a hospital bed for her in my living room and a nurse came in once a week to check her vital signs and make sure we were doing everything right.

Heather had severe lockjaw, a tracheostomy, was fed by IV because her digestive system had shut down, was on a constant morphine drip (which only controlled part of the pain) and she was partially paralyzed because the tumor was destroying the vertebrae in her neck. She couldn't talk because of the trach and because of the paralysis, she needed help to do EVERYTHING. The cancer had eaten away a large portion of her neck. She had 2 huge, gaping holes that drained constantly. Even with all this, she kept fighting, but every chemo treatment weakened her more and when the paralysis started to spread, she finally could take no more.

Letting her go was the hardest thing I have ever done. I wanted desperately to find a cure, but in my heart, I knew the doctors were right and there was nothing more that could be done. She was so weak and in so much pain that she eventually couldn't even get out of bed to use the bedside commode. We had to resort to adult diapers until she finally let the nurse put in a catheter. She had no quality of life. The only way to keep the pain at bay was to keep her sedated. She couldn't even make an effort to talk to her husband or daughter. She had used a write-on wipe-off board to communicate, but in the last couple weeks, she had stopped using that also. She was in a world of pain, both physically and emotionally.

Once she decided to stop fighting, she lasted only a short time. Her spirit had kept her going, but her body was worn out, so it didn't take long.

I agree with Gary that it is time to call in hospice. Maybe they can help manage your Dad's pain better and they can help you to cope. I wish I could offer you hope for a miracle, and I'm sorry that I can't. Only your Dad can decide if he is ready to stop fighting, but you can let him know that you support his decision, no matter what. If he improves enough to continue chemo or some other treatment, that would be wonderful, but you need to be prepared for the fact that he probably won't. Hospice can help your whole family to deal with this. We should have had hospice come in earlier, but Heather didn't want them. I will be forever grateful that we did finally call them. It was only because the hospice nurse was here that I was able to have one last communication with my daughter.

I can't tell you how sorry I am that you and your family have to go through this and I hope that in some small way, I have been able to help.

Rosie

Swati, all the advice you have been given is excellent. I would add that if you can do it, it might be a great comfort to your father to tell him that it is okay to let go. Different circumstances entirely with my mom, except she too, was kept doped up because of the pain, but when my dad and I finally realized that she would not get better and was fighting only for us, we both told her it was okay to stop, and other personally meaningful things, and she died within hours. We were very sad, but also glad that her terrible battle had finally ended. I felt better that I was perhaps able to set her mind at ease somewhat by letting her know that I would be okay. I am not sure this makes any sense, but it did help our family. You and your family are in my prayers.

Swati, you are in my thoughts and prayers, I am so sorry to hear this news, I will pray for peace for your Dad. God Bless You, Love, Carol

Swati,

Ditto what Joanna said. The hospice people said sometimes the patient needs to hear from their loved ones that it is okay for them to let go. Even through their pain, they try to hold on for the sake of their family. Make no mistake, it will be one of the hardest things you ever do, but to tell your Dad that it is okay to let go may be the most loving thing you can do for him.

Rosie