Thanks to all of you. If I hadn't of found this forum, I would not have had any hope of fighting what I just got diagnosed with last Monday. Dark thoughts were really clouding my head and I could not think of anything else in my life.

After two days of appointments this week, I realize that a Cancer Center is not your typical medical facility. My prior medical experiences were not always pleasant. I'm reasonably confident now that I'm at the best place in the state to treat me. After my first appointment with the surgeon, not too much was explained to me, other than setting up other appointments for tests and other departments. Yesterday, my radiation doctor spent hours explaining everything out to me without my even asking. He did answer the questions I had and answered many that I had not thought of asking. Some of my fears were alleviated. I did not realize how much they were alleviated until my husband and I had lunch and I ate a full meal for the first time in weeks. I even felt some of my sense of humor coming back.

Even if I come out of this alive, I do realize that I will never be the same person I was before it happened. Once you get licked by the flames of something like this, you just aren't. My perspective has totally changed and I guess it's one of cancer's blessings. You figure out what is important and what is not.

I find myself being a little more compassionate, a little softer and a little less critical. It's a learning curve perhaps. Still I have to thank you people that responded to me because I have so many questions and will continue to have many more. So many of you have been where I was at my starting point and managed to somehow talk me back from the "ledge" I was precariously stepping out on. It was a mighty black place.

My neck nodes are continuing to swell a rapid pace, there's more pain and my voice hurts to use it. Sometimes I think "damn... if I'm in this bad of shape before treatment, what is it going to be like after treatment?"

I just wanted to thank you all first of all for this forum, and the individuals that took the time to throw me out a rope to hang on. It really helped. Hopefully, there will be times when I can contribute something meaningful.

Jen

I haven't really earned the right to say much here on the boards yet but I do understand pretty well how you feel as far as being on the ledge goes. I'm there as well and it is the worst thing in the world. Acceptance is very hard but everyone here has said that it gets easier if that is what you want to achieve. Me..I'm just going off the deep end. Sometimes being on the edge, maybe it's not so far down. Kinda like the song. This stuff is soooo hard to deal with and is really beyond the realm of what ordinsry people will ever have to feel or deal with.
Please forgive me if I say something wrong.