Most of you know that my sister, Kim, died at 24 years old from this aggressive and horrible disease less than a year ago. Kim was not a smoker and she was not a heavy drinker. I am still struggling to get over her fight and death. Every day is a battle for me. I've had a difficult time coming back here, because it reopens so many fresh wounds, and I find myself crying for hours out of anger, grief, and fear.

What doesn't help is my constant fear that this disease will take hold of my husband. He's a smoker and sometimes chews (when he doesn't smoke). He was there all through Kim's diagnosis and fight, but he continued to smoke and chew. He saw what this did to Kim - physically and mentally, but he still did not quit. I have pleaded and begged him to quit, because I don't want to lose him to this disease either and I don't think I could go through this again - watching someone fight, suffer, and die to the same disease that took Kim.

He promises weekly, sometimes daily that he will quit - I've done everything that I can to try to help, but he never lasts more than a week, and then is right back to smoking or chewing. I remind him of what happened to Kim, but his outlook is that if it happens, it happens - we all die sometime. I know - that sounds horrible and selfish. He has a different outlook on life and death than I do. I've told him that he needs to also think about me, because whatever happens to him will also happen to me - maybe not physically, but mentally. Don't get me wrong, my husband is wonderful. I couldn't ask for a better friend and a more supportive person and I'm scared of losing him to this disease. I am just so terrified constantly.

I guess I'm not really asking a question, I'm just venting and scared. I don't know what to do. I know he has to want to quit, but he says he enjoys smoking, so I don't ever think he will quit. I'm at a loss. I feel so broken down emotionally and I don't think there's anything that I can do.

Thanks for letting me get that off my chest.

God Bless

Nicotine addiction is strong, and if someone really wanted to quite the spit or smoke, it still isn't easy... particularly chew. Even dedicated, fearful people, who desperately want off can't get there. If his attitude were different, as in he really wanted to do this for himself and for you, I would suggest that he see a doctor, since there are Rx level nicotine substitutes, like inhalers that can help him get past the cravings. Then he could step down to over the counter substitutes, and finally off all together. It might take a few months. But the truth is he has to want this. If the person he loves cannot convince him, and he is not willing on his own, the last option is counseling. But that again takes motivation on his own to want to discuss this with someone else. I have seen cancer patients in the radiation room, who step outside after treatment and light up a cigarette. That defies logic and rational behavior, but it defines addiction.

I know exactly where you are coming from. I too have had issues about this with close friends of ours who are smokers and chew. I thought that after seeing my husband struggling with this ordeal that it would be an eye opener for them but it wasn't.

I agree with Brian, he needs to do this on his own and for himself. It doesn't mean that he doesn't love you or doesn't care about you. Its out of control and its gonna take a lot of work to stop his addiction.

That is the irony of this whole thing with us as well. My husband has never smoked or chewed and yet this is happening to him.

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this and I know why you don't want to go through a similar situation again. This is a lot harder than anything I've ever imagined. I thought Scott was too young to have this but your sister was only 24.

Sorry I am no help but please know we are here for you.

LILY

A word of condolence from someone who has been on the smoking end of the twosome...don't feel responsible for any end outcome of his smoking. You have neither control nor blame in his situation. The only person hurting is you, and YOU are the only one who can stop YOUR hurt. That is one part of the equation over which you have FULL control. Grab the reins and pull this buggy of blame and guilt to a stop!!
It won't stop his tobacco use, but it might keep you out of the hospital with ulcers and GI bleed!!
Much love from an exsmoker who stopped because she got a knife to her throat, and only then!!!
Andrea

Brian's right that nicotine addiction is strong and the addicted person has to really want to quit for there to be a chance of success. I'm an ex-smoker and I certainly can attest to that.

This might seem like an odd suggestion, so ignore it if it strikes you badly, but al-anon has a ton of good material on how to emotionally handle living with and loving someone who has a destructive addiction. Of course, the material is talking about alcoholism as the destructive addiction, wich is entirely different in many ways, but the emotions you're describing experiencing and emotional drain from the the weekly broken promises, etc. seem pretty much the same. (I know this because I used to be married to an alcoholic).

Until your husband recognizes that he should quit smoking, you need to learn how to take care of your own emotions in this, especially given the history with your sister, and some of that material might help if you're open to it (I don't think they have a 12 step support group for people who live with smokers.They should!)

Its worth being aware too that one facet of addiction is that you as a loved one can get dragged in as a part of the dynamic that keeps it going. Your husband may never feel he really has to get decisive about trying to quit because you're right there telling him he needs to all the time. Just something to consider.

Nelie

Amk,
I, too, (believe it or not) even AFTER SURGERY still have had a few smokes in the past weeks! I would tell myself that it's just to 'calm' me and 'it's only 1....or 2....sometimes 3'. Nicotene is insidious and devastating! I feel CERTAIN that my relapse was a DIRECTLY caused by my continued (lite)? smoking. I had TONS of excuses and justifications.....FORGET IT!!!!

I've recently been to an herbalist who mixed me up a nasty-tasting concoction that really seems to HELP with the urge to smoke. She mentioned something to me that makes complete sense....form a triple-pronged approach to defeat the problem. Choose 3 completely different methods and USE THEM FULLY. Wellbutrin, the herbal concoction, and hyptnosism seems to be doing the trick for me for the past 9 days. If this can help someone like me who STILL after 2 surgeries was smoking to really stop, then there really IS hope!
The main thing is, there must be an INTERNAL motivation- he must WANT to quit. Unfortunmately you are very limited in this area, as the "contrary beast" within us smokers will just WANT exactly what others DON'T WANT us to do.

Best of luck. Just use constant, gentle pressure and he'll eventually get the message. If you like-if he's more the type that responds to visual grossness-I can send you some pictures of my "new face" that's GUARANTEED to make ANY smoker give it a momentary pause.
Thank you for your support in answering my earlier post, and we REALLY ARE HERE FOR YOU ALSO! I was very touched that you are still here helping others when your sister just died earlier this year. God bless you in your efforts.....
Gordon