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#34188 07-23-2005 04:10 PM
Joined: Jun 2004
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Barb,
I am so sorry your daughter has hidden from you. If it were my child, I would write to her and say, "You are my daughter and I need you now, come to see me today," and she would come - maybe not stay for ten minutes, but she would come. But then, the last bad break I had with a child was when they were teenagers.

But I think you need to remind her that you are you, not just a cancer patient. Maybe she cannot see or think past the word cancer, but if she could see that you are still the same person she might be able to get past the fear.
On the other hand, the parents who didn't come to see their daughter!!! How can that be possible?
I feel very lucky that my children came as much as they could, and tried to get me to eat and made me laugh even when it hurt.

Do write to her. I wonder if it would help to ask her to do one small specific thing for you. maybe even something she could do without coming to see you. I am sure she has to feel terribly guilty about the way she is treating you, and if she could start to do something for you..

I don't know. i just feel terrible for both you and your daughter. But 31 years or not, she is your daughter, and she needs to learn to act like one, or she will never grow up to be a real woman.

Love, Leena


scc right tonsil T1N1M0, right tonsillectomy + modified neck dissection 3/04, radiation IMRT both sides X33 ended 6/04.
Also had renal cell carcinoma, left kidney removed 11/04
#34189 07-24-2005 04:06 AM
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Barb Offline OP
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Oh Leena she does things for me but sends her hubby. She bought me a blender, she bought me flowers twice, she bought me 6 cans of protein shakes and a ton of baby stew that I can manage to swallow. She baught me a tart burner and a bunch of Yankee tarts plus a candle lighter.
She just can't face me on a personal level. Oddly enough when I had the surgery she stayed here 4 days and cleaned, cooked, took out the dog and was such a great comfort ot me. Last time she was here I gagged trying to swallow a tiny half a pill and she went runnin' like a wild woman right out the door and has not been back. frown


[i]"The artist, a traveler on this earth, leaves behind imperishable traces of his being." -Fran
#34190 07-24-2005 11:54 AM
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Hi, I hope u r doing ok with all this heat and humidity were having. I just wanted to share with u all a little something. When my mom died it was totally unexpected. She was 8 months past chemo/Radiation and 4 months or so past RND, if there was a complication she had it. But I guess even though i thought about her dying it just wasn't something we talked about. That night me and my dad left her at the hospital we said our I love u's and I even made him go back into her room to give her another kiss. We joke around and laughed. I never imagined that would be it, but it was. There were so many things I wouldve said if I had known, but I always thought id have tommorow to say it. I am not trying to put a downer on u all I just hope that everyone will take the time to say the things u want to say. I know your daughter is scared but she will be hurting even more if something were to happen and not really know how u were feeling. So just take the time and pick up the phone or write her a letter. U are such a wonderful person.


Was Primary caregiver to my mom who had stage IV, SCC, Supraglottic with Mets to 4 nodes. Diagnosed Feb 04, died unexpectedly from complications from treatment December 17, 2004.
#34191 07-24-2005 02:16 PM
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Karen,

You reminded me of the last couple of days we had with my father. He had been battling some chronic illnesses and was hospitalized for several weeks. It looked as though he was turning the corner and improving enough to go home soon, and we spent a Sunday afternoon with him watching a basketball game on the TV in his room that he really enjoyed. I assumed we'd be back at my parents' house in another week or so watching another game with them on TV.

Two days later he was in a coma after losing oxygen long enough to suffer brain damage. He never came out of it, and two days after that he was gone. A few hours later, I had my cancer diagnosis. That was the week that really reminded me how fragile life is.

Barb, I hope your daughter can begin to come to terms with her fear (if that's what it is), and deal with it head on rather than run from it.

Cathy


Tongue SCC (T2M0N0), poorly differentiated, diagnosed 3/89, partial glossectomy and neck dissection 4/89, radiation from early June to late August 1989
#34192 07-25-2005 07:01 AM
Joined: May 2005
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Barb Offline OP
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I sure do too. I have 10 more treatments and then will be off to my sons for a couple of weeks to recoup. He wants me out there in the boonies where I can relax, not have any stairs and can sit out on his deck which the poor boy is trying to "speed build" so it will be ready in time.

I don't know what the girl will do then because thats long distance. I can't call her because I can't talk very much above a whisper now.

My daughter seems to not be aware that with the first breath we take we have the possibility to die as this is the way its all been planned for us. She knows how I feel about this and when my purpose is finished I am gone same as everyone else. Cancer is not my death sentence.

I will just keep praying. Meanwhile I do find comfort in the God and so many other people and things in my life.

Karen you can bet I am in the air conditioning today. The heat index is supposed to be around 110 and its humid. I went out to go to the drugstore and my glasses steamed up. Now that is hot!


[i]"The artist, a traveler on this earth, leaves behind imperishable traces of his being." -Fran
#34193 07-25-2005 09:31 AM
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 1,244
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Barb
My Mum says she is not afraid of dying the Lord will be there to welcome her, but the manner of her passing is of concern, anyway she seemed a bit brighter tonight so God is Good
sunshine... love and hugs
Helen


SCC Base of tongue, (TISN0M0) laser surgery, 10/01 and 05/03 no clear margins. Radial free flap graft to tonsil pillar, partial glossectomy, left neck dissection 08/04
#34194 07-25-2005 02:27 PM
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 2,152
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Barb,
In reading your posts, I noticed two statements. She said that 'she would see you when you could eat a real meal' and that she 'flew out of the house when you were gagging on half a pill'. Does any of that bring back something that would make her 'relive her father's death' all over again. I tjhink she loves you very much but can't handle the day to day horrors we go through while in this treatment. I think she is also terrified that she will lose you, like she did her father.
Only my guesses, but another thought to consider.

Go to your son's to recuperate and relax. Send her a card if it makes you feel better. Don't stress out over this. YOU need all your strength to get better. The sooner you are feeling better, the sooner she may come around.

Take care,
Eileen


----------------------
Aug 1997 unknown primary, Stage III
mets to 1 lymph node in neck; rt ND, 36 XRT rad
Aug 2001 tiny tumor on larynx, Stage I total laryngectomy; left ND
June 5, 2010 dx early stage breast cancer
June 9, 2011 SCC 1.5 cm hypo pharynx, 70% P-16 positive, no mets, Stage I
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