I don't know whether to be mad or sad at my daughter! errrrrrrrrr My daughter watched her dad (my late husband) die from colon cancer with mets to the bones and brain. It was a terrible time. She was 16 at the time he passed on.

Well now she will not even talk to me! She is 31 years old. My son, who is younger than her by 5 years and my older daughter who is ten years older than her come see me all the time and call me on the phone but her? Not! She will not even e-mail me! Does she see me as already half in the grave or what? What if I die tomorrow of something else? I mean come on. :rolleyes:

She told my sister when it was all over and I could talk again and eat a normal meal and be "like I was" she would come over. I am at a loss for words here. I bathed my mom and changed her clothes before the ambulance was called when she died. I mean it was my mom!

I just don't know if I am mad or sad but it is affecting me thats for sure. Thanks for listening.
May God be with you,
Barb~

Barb that is something I dont think i will ever be able to understand. I like you did everthing i could and then more for my mom. I was told by her on many occasions A daughter should never have to do the things i did. But i would have it know other way. I was ridiculed by family that my mom was too dependent on me and that she was how she was because of me, that really hurt me but i rose above it and i know in my heart that i did all i could for her. I know it hurt my mom that noone else took the time to try to understand what she was going through. she too was saddened by it, It was not my place to say anything. As for your daughter does she have her own kids? I know with me I have a 5 year old daughter. and it helped me to see it was my place to be there for my mom. And now I know in my heart i will always have that special time i spent with her. Let her know how u feel, all u can do is try.

Barb
As you know I am doing all this for my Mom at this time, I would have it no other way, but my brothers are there for Mom and me, that makes a big difference, my husband, well he thinks he has been pushed aside, TOUGH.
When my Mom dies and it is when not if, as a family we need to stand together and say we did all we could.
Sunshine... love and hugs
Helen

Barb, I would look at this a little differently. Is it possible that she was really traumatized by what happened to her dad? At 16 life is a bit confused anyway and perhaps she just can't face what she thinks is the same thing with you. Even though she is older now she still may be having problems with grief. I can see why you would have a hard time with her behavior. I just wonder if she needs help coping? Perhaps her siblings could help find out what is going on without judging or causing guilt for her. Further, she may benefit from professional counseling.

She is 31 years old now and no I really don't think she ever grieved for her daddy and its been all these years. I don't remember her even crying. Just hiding silently in her room.

I feel sorry for her and I feel sorry for the whole situation. She will not even talk to Cheri and John, my other two kids. The only person she talks to is mu sister who doesn't have a clue what to say to her.

I guess I can't force her into anything but I am sad for her that she can't open up to her feelings. She does need therapy but she would never dream of getting it. Her husband has said so many times as in the lst few years she even stopped driving and rarely comes outside but for the times he is with her.

I am sorry...for both of us as she is such a delight in my life and I miss her so much. Should I send her a card? What should I say?

Love,
Barb~

Barb, I completely understand. Part of my biggest fear when I got diagnosed was what kind of changes it would bring to relationships with relatives and friends. I envy all the patients on these message boards that have good support. For those of you that have it, you are surely blessed.

You see, in my case, my parents have stopped all communciation with me, and like you, it quite often crosses my mind "Well, maybe they see me half in the grave" So... I completely understand the whole whether or not to be SAD or MAD. To be honest, it's a mixture of both.

Rationally, it's hard to make sense out of behavior like that when it comes from people who previously said they love you. Speaking from experience here, it hurts to be treated like a non-human when you are already fighting like hell to simply stay alive.

I know our experiences aren't rare because there have been other recent postings here of relatives with some pretty inexcuseable behavior.

My own coping skills have toughened up. Since finishing radiation, chemo and surgery, I've made myself determined to enjoy and savor whatever I can and put the crap out of my mind.

When I think about it, I don't want ANYBODY no matter how they are related to me, to be near me if they aren't supportive. Anyone that causes me angst is detrimental to my survival. Perhaps it's the "mad" part of me, that makes me determined to survive this.

I don't even long for closure or resolving anything anymore. When I had a conversation with my spouse last night when we were cooling off on the patio, I kept remembering all the other odd history that occured for years before I got cancer. Looking at the bigger picture, it makes sense these people in my life wouldn't behave properly.

Anymore, I understand truly how short life can be. There is no possible way I'm going to spend it all bitter and questing for someone's love and support that is never going to be there for me. The only way for me to cope was to buck up move forward.

In the meantime, those that stick around and help you fight are more deserving of your attention. Although I will never forget those that have let me down in this journey, I'm still going to focus on the positive folks that led me through it.

Jen

Barb, writing to her might be a good idea. Just to tell her how much you miss her and want to see
her. It truly does sound like she needs some professional help. Amy P.S. CU on the island :p

Barb, I think Mark is in the right ballpark about this. If you write to her, maybe you can say that while cancer is scary, what you have is not the same as her dad expreienced, and you will survive. And of course that you miss her. I would bet she is absolutely terrified that you are going to die just like her dad did. This is surely an emotional rather than an intellectual thing, and although it makes little sense, is probably overwhelmingly powerful for her. I am very sorry you have to worry about this.

Slow computer connection today caused impatient me to click twice. Sorry!

Hi Barb,
When my mother died I was angry at her for a long time. I didn't really understand it until I discovered that it is part of the grieving process.

It's probably just too "real" for her right now. Some of my best friends did the same thing and they just coudn't cope with facing their own mortality. Give her some time to process this. Dealing with death at that age has to be surreal. Everybody deals with things like this on their own level. It sounds like she is fighting to have some semblance of her previous life. I don't think that "mad or sad" is the right choice here - it is not really about you or wanting to hurt you - it is about her feelings and inability to cope with a "one two punch" at such a tender young age.

I love you guys.

Oh Barb, here's a cyberhug {Barb}

I definitely think you shoudl write your daughter a letter. One thing cancer is slowly teaching me is that I might not have all the time in ther world to decide to tell people who I love that I love them.

On the other hand, I also think that brainstorker's point that people who can't be supportive are toxic is a good one.

My parents kind of faded out on me when I was at my sickest but in genreal they've been supportive--supportive at a distance because that's about all they can handle. And that's fine with me. I love them and I see, when I look back on how they've treated me at times in the past and how they've treated one of my siblings, that they have never had a real ability to be supportive of a child in need (as opposed saying things that are somehow supposed to be seen as supportive but would make anyone feel worse). But I love them anyway, and i tell them so from a distance that protectc me as well as them.

I'm having sort of an opposite problem in that I have a sister who had acted really horribly to me for about three years when I found out I had cancer. Now suddenly she's publicly posting these loving-sister messages on my caring bridge page and my parents seem to expect that all is now healed between us just because of that. And it's not that I'm carrying a grudge-- I can forgive her for being herself, but I can't *forget* how truly mean her behavior was in those three years, not just to me but also to my parents at one point, and I truly feel, more than ever, that life is too short to want to spend much effort on someone who is so toxic. I have so many wonderful loving friends and I've spent 25 adult yeasr hoping for some sort of authentic relationship with her without success. A few months of occassional "loving sister" posts on a public board where my parents can read how "good" she's being doesn't really change my mind about this.

This is my 3rd attempt at posting to this dilemma of family dynamics. It is so sad when we let each other down, for whatever reason, and it is a human frailty. The thing that keeps running through my mind is "Do unto others as --" Amy

Barb,

No matter how many times she gives you the "Cold Shoulder " just keep turning that other cheek.

She is a very troubled girl, and, I would like to bet she is still testing to see how far she can push.
Send her a card Barb, send lots of cards if thats what it takes.
A mother cannot turn off love, you know that, no matter how crazy they drive you . I know that!
Marica

Barb,
I feel for you. I don't understand that type of behavior whatsoever. I have a brother who has developed a very similar pattern since my mom was diagnosed. I'm sorry you have to experience this. This is a difficult time for you and you need all the support you can get. I wish you all my best.
Dave

Barb,
I have a very close friend that did the same thing to me. When I told her that I had cancer, she disappeared. She never called or came to see me in the hospital. Now that I am 3 months out, I have started to hear from her again. I dont understand it but I think that some people just cant deal with the idea of cancer.

Mellay, weirdly enough my close local friend up and disappeared too. Funny I have seemed to hit the jackpot with weird behavior from both relatives and friends. It's like this year I hit some sort of unlucky lottery.

However, I know it's just more of a personal sort of deal on whether or not to force contact on people that seem to run away from sick people. In my own case, I didn't want to become the sickly stalker of people. I am not one to press my company upon those who don't value it.

All I know is that it takes all my energy and focus to deal with the cards I got dealt. As if we don't already have enough of "roller coaster" emotions with this damned disease, I know I certainly didn't need to shoulder the insensitivity and baggage from those that couldn't deal straight with me.

I am SO grateful for the people that did take the time to lift me out of that hole, even though it was a major disappointment in those that let me down--related to me or not.

Funny thing about cancer and facing mortality. It makes you seriously think about important stuff. No longer would I be threatened if someone promises to put something on my "permanent record" lol... While I still generally try to behave myself and concern myself with the niceties of "thank you" and other social graces, I guess I no longer care if someone thinks of me as a word that rhymes with "witch" <G>

Guess this is why, I don't suggest sending cards or letters to people. I'm afraid of telling them flat out where their faults lie. I'm not at all ashamed to admit this, but when the friend bailed on me and I didn't hear from her for three months, someone gave me a card with an old lady using a finger. The inside said "When words are NOT enough" Yes, I sent it and didn't feel bad about sending it. However, it's not like I ever wanted contact from that person again.

I think there is an expression called "Fair-weather Friends" perhaps that also goes for "Fair-weather Relatives" ... people who can only have a relationship with you when you are healthy and whole, but simply freak with illness or obstacles show up. Either way, I don't have much use for either. People who do not help are a hinderance.

I have three teenage children I must recover to finish raising. After being THE caretaker for over 16 years in my little family, my illness made me realize that it wasn't at all selfish for me to focus on caretaking ME for a change. There have been times during this past year where I have had to tell them I was simply unable to do something and they would just have to deal.

Anyway, I wish you luck with the daughter, Barb, but better yet, I wish you full recovery so you can enjoy life regardless of whether or not she comes around.

Jen

Barb,

I think I know how you feel (unfortunately). Just 9 days after my diagnosis, my husband of 23 years died suddenly. Needless to say, this was the time in my life where I needed the most love and support. Unfortunately, our friends (of my husband and me) just couldn't deal with a 45 year old widow, no less a widow with CANCER! My God, you would have thought I was typhoon Mary or something! Most of them didn't just walk away - they RAN away as fast as they could. Sure, they were there at the services, hugging me, crying with me and promising to call me, but then they just disappeared. I'm still pretty hurt by it but try not to think of it as "my" lose, but "their" lose. Thankfully I have had the loving support of my son and my family. It sounds like your daughter has a lot of bottled up feelings that stem from your husband's death and just can't deal with you having cancer. Hopefully she'll come around and realize that not only have you always been there for her, but have every expectation to continue to be there for her. I'd try sending her a card that might just simply say, I love you and I'm here for you. Barb, you've come so far in your journey that I'd hate to see this consuming you and beating you down. Try to keep your spirits up. Remember, we're here for you!

Big hugs, Nancy

Seems as if most of us are touched by this some way. The man from the ACS who drives me on Thursday said his wife died of breast cancer five years ago. Her parents "couldn't face it" and never once came to see her all the time she was in treatment or even to her funeral. How crappin' sad is that!?

I will write my kid. She will always be my baby girl and I will always be her mom. Speaking of her she has a really high IQ and has always been "different".
God be with you,
Barb~

I must have been lucky, no-one I know has bailed out on me, but my 13 year old twin nephews have suprised me, I thought they would be all over the scars and gory bits, but no, Gross is their words for the scars and they refuse to touch them, super, they are a couple of softies, but they came every day in hospital to see me and that must have taken a lot of guts.
They are now visiting their Grandma, my MUM, who has terminal cancer and they are chatting to her as if all is well. (why do I think tears are for after visiting) they should develope into well balenced young men. I am proud of the way my brother and his wife have brought them up.
Sunshine...love and hugs
Helen

Barb,
I am so sorry your daughter has hidden from you. If it were my child, I would write to her and say, "You are my daughter and I need you now, come to see me today," and she would come - maybe not stay for ten minutes, but she would come. But then, the last bad break I had with a child was when they were teenagers.

But I think you need to remind her that you are you, not just a cancer patient. Maybe she cannot see or think past the word cancer, but if she could see that you are still the same person she might be able to get past the fear.
On the other hand, the parents who didn't come to see their daughter!!! How can that be possible?
I feel very lucky that my children came as much as they could, and tried to get me to eat and made me laugh even when it hurt.

Do write to her. I wonder if it would help to ask her to do one small specific thing for you. maybe even something she could do without coming to see you. I am sure she has to feel terribly guilty about the way she is treating you, and if she could start to do something for you..

I don't know. i just feel terrible for both you and your daughter. But 31 years or not, she is your daughter, and she needs to learn to act like one, or she will never grow up to be a real woman.

Love, Leena

Oh Leena she does things for me but sends her hubby. She bought me a blender, she bought me flowers twice, she bought me 6 cans of protein shakes and a ton of baby stew that I can manage to swallow. She baught me a tart burner and a bunch of Yankee tarts plus a candle lighter.
She just can't face me on a personal level. Oddly enough when I had the surgery she stayed here 4 days and cleaned, cooked, took out the dog and was such a great comfort ot me. Last time she was here I gagged trying to swallow a tiny half a pill and she went runnin' like a wild woman right out the door and has not been back.

Hi, I hope u r doing ok with all this heat and humidity were having. I just wanted to share with u all a little something. When my mom died it was totally unexpected. She was 8 months past chemo/Radiation and 4 months or so past RND, if there was a complication she had it. But I guess even though i thought about her dying it just wasn't something we talked about. That night me and my dad left her at the hospital we said our I love u's and I even made him go back into her room to give her another kiss. We joke around and laughed. I never imagined that would be it, but it was. There were so many things I wouldve said if I had known, but I always thought id have tommorow to say it. I am not trying to put a downer on u all I just hope that everyone will take the time to say the things u want to say. I know your daughter is scared but she will be hurting even more if something were to happen and not really know how u were feeling. So just take the time and pick up the phone or write her a letter. U are such a wonderful person.

Karen,

You reminded me of the last couple of days we had with my father. He had been battling some chronic illnesses and was hospitalized for several weeks. It looked as though he was turning the corner and improving enough to go home soon, and we spent a Sunday afternoon with him watching a basketball game on the TV in his room that he really enjoyed. I assumed we'd be back at my parents' house in another week or so watching another game with them on TV.

Two days later he was in a coma after losing oxygen long enough to suffer brain damage. He never came out of it, and two days after that he was gone. A few hours later, I had my cancer diagnosis. That was the week that really reminded me how fragile life is.

Barb, I hope your daughter can begin to come to terms with her fear (if that's what it is), and deal with it head on rather than run from it.

Cathy

I sure do too. I have 10 more treatments and then will be off to my sons for a couple of weeks to recoup. He wants me out there in the boonies where I can relax, not have any stairs and can sit out on his deck which the poor boy is trying to "speed build" so it will be ready in time.

I don't know what the girl will do then because thats long distance. I can't call her because I can't talk very much above a whisper now.

My daughter seems to not be aware that with the first breath we take we have the possibility to die as this is the way its all been planned for us. She knows how I feel about this and when my purpose is finished I am gone same as everyone else. Cancer is not my death sentence.

I will just keep praying. Meanwhile I do find comfort in the God and so many other people and things in my life.

Karen you can bet I am in the air conditioning today. The heat index is supposed to be around 110 and its humid. I went out to go to the drugstore and my glasses steamed up. Now that is hot!

Barb
My Mum says she is not afraid of dying the Lord will be there to welcome her, but the manner of her passing is of concern, anyway she seemed a bit brighter tonight so God is Good
sunshine... love and hugs
Helen

Barb,
In reading your posts, I noticed two statements. She said that 'she would see you when you could eat a real meal' and that she 'flew out of the house when you were gagging on half a pill'. Does any of that bring back something that would make her 'relive her father's death' all over again. I tjhink she loves you very much but can't handle the day to day horrors we go through while in this treatment. I think she is also terrified that she will lose you, like she did her father.
Only my guesses, but another thought to consider.

Go to your son's to recuperate and relax. Send her a card if it makes you feel better. Don't stress out over this. YOU need all your strength to get better. The sooner you are feeling better, the sooner she may come around.

Take care,
Eileen