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#34168 07-22-2005 04:55 AM
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Barb Offline OP
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I don't know whether to be mad or sad at my daughter! errrrrrrrrr My daughter watched her dad (my late husband) die from colon cancer with mets to the bones and brain. It was a terrible time. She was 16 at the time he passed on.

Well now she will not even talk to me! She is 31 years old. My son, who is younger than her by 5 years and my older daughter who is ten years older than her come see me all the time and call me on the phone but her? Not! She will not even e-mail me! Does she see me as already half in the grave or what? What if I die tomorrow of something else? I mean come on. :rolleyes:

She told my sister when it was all over and I could talk again and eat a normal meal and be "like I was" she would come over. I am at a loss for words here. I bathed my mom and changed her clothes before the ambulance was called when she died. I mean it was my mom!

I just don't know if I am mad or sad but it is affecting me thats for sure. frown mad Thanks for listening.
May God be with you,
Barb~


[i]"The artist, a traveler on this earth, leaves behind imperishable traces of his being." -Fran
#34169 07-22-2005 06:50 AM
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Barb that is something I dont think i will ever be able to understand. I like you did everthing i could and then more for my mom. I was told by her on many occasions A daughter should never have to do the things i did. But i would have it know other way. I was ridiculed by family that my mom was too dependent on me and that she was how she was because of me, that really hurt me but i rose above it and i know in my heart that i did all i could for her. I know it hurt my mom that noone else took the time to try to understand what she was going through. she too was saddened by it, It was not my place to say anything. As for your daughter does she have her own kids? I know with me I have a 5 year old daughter. and it helped me to see it was my place to be there for my mom. And now I know in my heart i will always have that special time i spent with her. Let her know how u feel, all u can do is try.


Was Primary caregiver to my mom who had stage IV, SCC, Supraglottic with Mets to 4 nodes. Diagnosed Feb 04, died unexpectedly from complications from treatment December 17, 2004.
#34170 07-22-2005 07:37 AM
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Barb
As you know I am doing all this for my Mom at this time, I would have it no other way, but my brothers are there for Mom and me, that makes a big difference, my husband, well he thinks he has been pushed aside, TOUGH.
When my Mom dies and it is when not if, as a family we need to stand together and say we did all we could.
Sunshine... love and hugs
Helen


SCC Base of tongue, (TISN0M0) laser surgery, 10/01 and 05/03 no clear margins. Radial free flap graft to tonsil pillar, partial glossectomy, left neck dissection 08/04
#34171 07-22-2005 08:03 AM
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Barb, I would look at this a little differently. Is it possible that she was really traumatized by what happened to her dad? At 16 life is a bit confused anyway and perhaps she just can't face what she thinks is the same thing with you. Even though she is older now she still may be having problems with grief. I can see why you would have a hard time with her behavior. I just wonder if she needs help coping? Perhaps her siblings could help find out what is going on without judging or causing guilt for her. Further, she may benefit from professional counseling.


Mark, 21 Year survivor, SCC right tonsil, 3 nodes positive, one with extra-capsular spread. I never asked what stage (would have scared me anyway) Right side tonsillectomy, radical neck dissection right side, maximum radiation to both sides, no chemo, no PEG, age 40 when diagnosed.
#34172 07-22-2005 08:58 AM
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Barb Offline OP
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She is 31 years old now and no I really don't think she ever grieved for her daddy and its been all these years. I don't remember her even crying. Just hiding silently in her room.

I feel sorry for her and I feel sorry for the whole situation. She will not even talk to Cheri and John, my other two kids. The only person she talks to is mu sister who doesn't have a clue what to say to her.

I guess I can't force her into anything but I am sad for her that she can't open up to her feelings. She does need therapy but she would never dream of getting it. Her husband has said so many times as in the lst few years she even stopped driving and rarely comes outside but for the times he is with her.

I am sorry...for both of us as she is such a delight in my life and I miss her so much. Should I send her a card? What should I say?

Love,
Barb~


[i]"The artist, a traveler on this earth, leaves behind imperishable traces of his being." -Fran
#34173 07-22-2005 09:30 AM
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Barb, I completely understand. Part of my biggest fear when I got diagnosed was what kind of changes it would bring to relationships with relatives and friends. I envy all the patients on these message boards that have good support. For those of you that have it, you are surely blessed.

You see, in my case, my parents have stopped all communciation with me, and like you, it quite often crosses my mind "Well, maybe they see me half in the grave" So... I completely understand the whole whether or not to be SAD or MAD. To be honest, it's a mixture of both.

Rationally, it's hard to make sense out of behavior like that when it comes from people who previously said they love you. Speaking from experience here, it hurts to be treated like a non-human when you are already fighting like hell to simply stay alive.

I know our experiences aren't rare because there have been other recent postings here of relatives with some pretty inexcuseable behavior.

My own coping skills have toughened up. Since finishing radiation, chemo and surgery, I've made myself determined to enjoy and savor whatever I can and put the crap out of my mind.

When I think about it, I don't want ANYBODY no matter how they are related to me, to be near me if they aren't supportive. Anyone that causes me angst is detrimental to my survival. Perhaps it's the "mad" part of me, that makes me determined to survive this.

I don't even long for closure or resolving anything anymore. When I had a conversation with my spouse last night when we were cooling off on the patio, I kept remembering all the other odd history that occured for years before I got cancer. Looking at the bigger picture, it makes sense these people in my life wouldn't behave properly.

Anymore, I understand truly how short life can be. There is no possible way I'm going to spend it all bitter and questing for someone's love and support that is never going to be there for me. The only way for me to cope was to buck up move forward.

In the meantime, those that stick around and help you fight are more deserving of your attention. Although I will never forget those that have let me down in this journey, I'm still going to focus on the positive folks that led me through it.

Jen

#34174 07-22-2005 10:57 AM
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Barb, writing to her might be a good idea. Just to tell her how much you miss her and want to see
her. It truly does sound like she needs some professional help. Amy P.S. CU on the island :p


CGtoJohn:SCC Flr of Mouth.Dx 3\05. Surg.4\05.T3NOMO.IMRTx30. Recur Dx 1\06.Surg 2\06. Chemo: 4 Cycles of Carbo\Taxol:on Erbitux for 7 mo. Lost our battle 2-23-07- But not the will to fight this disease

:
#34175 07-22-2005 12:29 PM
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Barb, I think Mark is in the right ballpark about this. If you write to her, maybe you can say that while cancer is scary, what you have is not the same as her dad expreienced, and you will survive. And of course that you miss her. I would bet she is absolutely terrified that you are going to die just like her dad did. This is surely an emotional rather than an intellectual thing, and although it makes little sense, is probably overwhelmingly powerful for her. I am very sorry you have to worry about this.

#34176 07-22-2005 12:29 PM
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Slow computer connection today caused impatient me to click twice. Sorry!

#34177 07-22-2005 01:32 PM
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Hi Barb,
When my mother died I was angry at her for a long time. I didn't really understand it until I discovered that it is part of the grieving process.

It's probably just too "real" for her right now. Some of my best friends did the same thing and they just coudn't cope with facing their own mortality. Give her some time to process this. Dealing with death at that age has to be surreal. Everybody deals with things like this on their own level. It sounds like she is fighting to have some semblance of her previous life. I don't think that "mad or sad" is the right choice here - it is not really about you or wanting to hurt you - it is about her feelings and inability to cope with a "one two punch" at such a tender young age.


Gary Allsebrook
***********************************
Dx 11/22/02, SCC, 6 x 3 cm Polypoid tumor, rt tonsil, Stage III/IVA, T3N0M0 G1/2
Tx 1/28/03 - 3/19/03, Cisplatin ct x2, IMRT, bilateral, with boost, x35(69.96Gy)
________________________________________________________
"You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes" (James 4:14 NIV)
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