Wow....Cindy,...I will respond to you in a minute

Stephany

Carol, Karen, Marica and Danny Boy, and CIndy,

Thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers....Today was an awful day for my mom..With pain and anxiety....But I took all of your advice and told her it was ok to let go..Thank you so much for that advice..I actually wrote her a note because I could not say the words without hysterically crying..I am actually meeting with the hospice nurse tomorrow morning at 9 because she ahs requested to talk to me becuase she said my mom doesnt have long..weeks if that....My mom requested that my dad, sister and i go the mortuary to pick out a plot..I find this pretty strange since she is alive, but it is her request..So I have all that to deal with tomorrow...It is all moving so fast..But I had a good day with my mom helping her, doing all the laundry, cleanign the house, and sitting next to her talking to her, rubbing lotion on her, Taking her to the bathroom, changing her and the sheets, and administering medication....This is so hard. I cant imagine anything worse...THan to see aloved one suffer..She is taking ativan for the anxiety which is helping..She is home with hospice and they come, but not often enough....But they are available by phone, which I call everyday :-) and they really help me.....My dad is there all the time helping as well....I just wish I could take the pain away and fear away....

I have an amazing thing to share with everyone....I had a dream last night that my right leg was being amputated from the knee down...Actually a nightmare..and when I shared that with someone, she told me that I had that the dream represented losing a part of my life, of myself...My mom.....That was an amazing insight..and something I will never forget...

But through this all, I amaze myself at my strength..But I just cant stop crying.. I am in tears now and they just dont seem to stop...and I have so many other MAJOR stressors in my life now as well..all at the same time..That I feel sometimes, that I dont know how I will get through this...But the most important thing to me now is getting my mother through this....I cant even sleep anymore...I just worry about her 24/7. I wrote her a note tonight also that I love her and she is the best mother and my best friend.....that it was ok to go..that we will all be ok....I dont want her hanging on for me and my family...suffering anymore...I wonder when will be the day...Tomorrow, the next day. next week..the week after..This is just awful.

Thank you all so much for your support..I usually read these posts around midnight when I get home and it is such a support for me..Thank you all...and please know that i am here for you all as well.....

Danny Boy, we are finally getting the pain under control...Just increasing the frequency of morphine.....and hospice is really helping...better than the hospital!!

Karen, you said nothing wrong. That was great advice...

Thank you all again
Much Love,
stephany

Gary, I just love your comment and response..Right on!

Cindy, Gary is correct.....I cant believe the boy scouts would do that to your son..You cant blame yourself and make yourself feel guilty..Cindy, you are already going through so much with all of this..That to add guilt now, would not be fair to you or anyone..You did nothing wrong.. You DID NOT let your son down..You are a great mother and doing all you can do.....If you were unable to attend all the meetings, you were unable to..Please dont blame yourself..

I am sending you a cyber hug Cindy..I am here for you anytime you need me....Please dont get drunk though.....a little wine is ok :-) You have to stay strong for your family..I know it is hard..Believe me, if you read my prior post, I am suffering so badly over here..IN tears right now again....I feel for you and think of you all the time...I hate this cancer as well.. I have other family and friends affected by this disease as well........But your husband is in treatment and will likely recover soon and you can get back to your normal life soon......I will pray that your husband has a speedy recovery.....

cindy, can you email that jerk scout leader and explain what has been going on and to give another chance? I just cant see anyone HUMAN doing that to you and your son..I just cant see that anyone could be that heartless.....Amazing!!

Cindy, you hang in there ok...I am thinking of you and saying prayers for you and your family.....Take it day by day..THis day just sucked! But, maybe tomorrow will be a better day..Remember the day that your husband started feeling better? See..There is something to be happy about...Hang in there.

Love
Stephany

My son's dream is to be an Eagle Scout. My best friend, who died when he was 22, was an eagle scout.

My sons are 8 and 10. They are great kids who are being shit on by circumstances that they cannot control and I am not helping them. I just keep disappointing them.

I ask a lot of them everyday. They do the dishes and the laundry, they often have to stay alone at home waiting for me. They have given up soccer, piano lessons, having friends over to play (because Harry can't risk infection) or spend the night. I have to drag them around with me when I have to work because there is no one else to watch them.

I feel like I am sitting in a chair with handcuffs on while someone hits them and I can't do anything to help them.

We are going broke because neither of us can work much and when I can it is on the weekends only. Our businesses have gone down the toilet.

I know that I am not coping with this at all very well. I can hear everything that is being said but I just can't get it into my heart.

I think that I was fooling myself when I actually thought I could do this. I feel so damned helpless. I can't do anythng to make my family smile again.

My husband is so sick and kind of out of it most of the time, my kids are constantly disappointed, and I am an emotional disaster.

I am tired of crying and I a sure that all of this just sounds like I am whining.

Steph, I am glad to hear about the hospice and your mom.... almost 20 years ago when I was 17 the person in the world closest to me was very sick. She was my grandmother and she had been in a home for almost 4 years.

We lived in New Orleans at the time and I was 14 when my mom put me on a plane to go to Houston to pick grandma up and bring her back with us.

I got my license at 15 and I would go and pick up my grandma every week and bring her to my house or the doctor etc.

When I was 17, I dropped out of high school. I would spend all of my time between working and hanging out with grandma.

One night I got a call that she was in the hospital and we needed to come right away. She had had 2 major strokes 6 months before and had been in and out of a coma up to this point.

I get to the hospital and the doctor takes us into the family room and tells us that the sedentariness of her life over the last six months has lead to her bowel rupturing and she was dying of blood poisoning. The doctor left the room and my mother turned to me and asked what we should do.

I told her that we had to let her go. I knew it was right even though it hurt like hell.
She made it through to the next morning and finally passed.

I was fine up until the time that I tried to walk out of the room. I got to the door and then I fell to the floor and they had to come and pick me up.

I was only 17 and I was forever changed.

But I guess the reason I am telling you this is because I knew we had to let go. Over the years, the pain has lessened but it has never gone away. I still miss her a lot and even just the other day my mother and I were talking about how she would have loved my kids. It just never goes away. But there was a peacful feeling when we knew that she was no longer suffering and sometimes that is just the way things have to be.

Listen to me. First I am feeling sorry for myself and then I am imparting advice. I am sure you must think I am a lunatic for sure.

I guess I ought to take my own advice?? :-)

It is always easier to look at someone else's situation and give advice and always difficult to look at your own situation and heed the words.

Well, before I write an entire self-help book (or self destruction book) here I am going to go. Tell your mom that I sincerely hope that she finds peace and not to worry about you because you have lots of souls here to keep you lifted.

Take care.

Cindy

Cindy,
you sound like an "overresponsible" to me which can do nothing but lead to more frustration and helplessness. Your heart is in the right place but you need help. A network of people and resources is vital to get through this. The American Cancer Society can provide rides to treatment and many churches can help with respite care and other issues. Friends and family need to know your plight so that they can GIFT you with their help also. Why can't other soccer moms step up and pick up your sons and drive them home? Why can't other mom's help get your boys to scouts? Surely your husband has some buddies which could come over and keep him company while you have some time to yourself. Talk to the hospital social worker about other resources and support groups that can assist you.

When I was caregiving my dad years ago I went through tremendous guilt wondering whether I did enough and after 10 grand of therapy later, he (the therapist) set me free by telling me that it wasn't my responsibility to personally DO everything - just to make sure it gets done.

Speaking from personal experience (as in 10 years in AA) I can also tell you that never once have I solved a problem while drunk (and believe me for over 40 years I tried).

Cindy: You might benefit from anti-depressants. You are going thru a hellish time right now, might be the worse time of your life, and anti-depressants can help you keep your perspective and cope with everything. You are not a failure, you are a person with a lot of difficult things going on in your life - ugly things like cancer. Your boys are probably emotionally affected too - frightened and maybe unable to understand (emotionally) all that is happening. Getting help for yourself, like getting anti-depressants from your doctor, will help you find a way to cope a little better with all the stuff that is happening.

Another thought: you might ask your sons' school if there is a school psychologist or counselor that could talk to your boys. They might benefit from talking to someone outside the family right now. They might not want to upset you with their fears. It sounds like you don't have a family/support group near you and you need to create one. Start by calling the school and asking for help for your boys. Gosh, this is a tough time for you. - Candace

I have thought about the antidepressant thing. I am not sure that any pill will relieve the stress, grief, and overall exhaustion I feel most of the time.

I have friends and family to help but they are all busy with their own lives too. They help when they can and for that I am always grateful.

As far as my ranting last night, I apologize. It has been more than 2 years since I have been so inebriated and I think that one in that condition should avoid keyboards.

I was actually in a good mood until I received the email and then everything just came on as a flood. I was washed over with emotions that I have been keeping in check and I let them spill over to this forum.

I doubt that I am the only one who has ever been at this point and I appreciate all of your comments and suggestions. I do have a therapist who is one of the most awesome people I know. We were friends first and she and I understand each other on a level I cannot even begin to describe.

I called her last night and cried and she told me all that she knew I needed to hear. She always knows what to say and when I need it most. She lost her mother and younger sister to cancer so she understands and has walked this path.

I still feel like my children are being let down and no matter how much control I don't have over this thing I still feel responsible for them. I don't think that is ever going to go away.

It is funny that I can hold it all together most of the time and I get things done that need to be done and I choke back the tears on most occasions. But it just takes that one thing to happen and it all rushes up on you and suddenly you find yourself letting go and falling apart. I think that I will really start worrying when I can't pull it back together.

For now I am ok. I cannot promise that this won't happen again and it is nice to know that if it does I have a place to express myself where people understand. That is very helpful when it comes to pulling it back together.

Thanks to all of you.....

I am now banished to the couch as I have become a lethal weapon in my own home. Earlier today I managed to catch some stupid bug and now I have to keep my contact with Harry to a bare minimum. So I am sleeping on the couch for now. It really sucks that he was gone all week at the hospital and when he comes home we can't even be around each other.

Stephany,
I have been thinking about you all day. I hope you are ok. I wish there were things that could be done or said that would make things better but I think we both know that sometimes there is nothing to make it better. It just is what it is. You are in my thoughts always!!

Love,
Cindy

CIndy,

Thanks so much for your kind thoughts. I had a rough day. I have to move in a month and also, my firm is closing in a couple months..A lot to deal with...And of course, the most important..My sick mother....It is all so hard...I cant really type tonight because I am so tired right now..Emotionally and physically...With yesterday making final arrangements at the mortuary....We felt it was better to do now and my mom wanted us to and the hospice nurse suggested to pick the mortuary now as well..It is all so hard...With new job and moving in the next couple of months as well.....I am pretty wiped out....

Cindy, I cant believe that now you are getting sick...I am so sorry....CIndy..I think of you often as well and wish there was something I could do for you as well....I hate Cancer also..It is awful....BUt please know I am hear for you anytime you want to talk or vent :-) But I am just too tired to type anymore but wanted to say hello and that I was thinking of you also

Stephany

Stephany,
It is good to hear from you. I know all about this raining and pouring thing literally and figuratively.

Last night, for example, I was just going to scream. It was 9pm and I was putting the kids to bed (they were bickering with each other), the doorbell rang (it was the delivery guy with Harry's meds) and the dogs were barking and Harry heard all of this in his half sleep state.

I am yelling at the kids, answering the door, and trying to stop my husband from dragging his IV pole down the stairs because he thinks he needs to find out what is happening. He swore that he heard my son call him.

At that moment, I thought that he was going to fall down the stairs (I was still yelling at the kids, of course) and I was ready to pull my hair out.

Yesterday, I saw my husband cry for the first time and I realized that we are all so emotionally taxed in this house. It takes everything I have to try to keep everything under control. But there is absolutly no normalcy in this house either.

I don't know if I mentioned this before but we have 5 dogs and 3 cats and I am about to throw them all out. It is really difficult because 2 of the dogs are ancient and it is time to let them go and Harry just won't. I am begging because the last thing I can deal with at this time is to get up in the morning and find a dead dog.

I am still sick as a dog. My head hurts constantly and my nose runs whenever it feels like it. I am the masked bandit in my house and I have to disinfect everything. At any other time in my former life, when things got real hectic, I would ask what else could possibly happen but I dare not ask that now as I am already painfully aware of the answer.

Harry told me yesterday that he wished he had never married me because he feels like he has ruined my life. He went on and on about how he has brought all of this on us (which I think you and I both know is not true) and I called his best friend and begged him to talk to Harry. I am concerned that, even with the antidepressant he is taking, he might just try to end this all. It is something we have struggled with for a couple of years now, although I always thought that he would just leave me.

Now I am concerned that he is speaking about death and I am frightened. I have talked to the social worker and I try to always keep things positive even when I am not feeling that way. But he is one of these people who never wanted to be a burden on anyone and whenever he thought that was what he had become his answer was to remove himself from their lives.

I never leave him alone when I can avoid it. I just hope that he can hold on. He doesn't think that he can beat this thing. He is convinced that it is going to kill him and sometimes it is frustrating.

He is a strong person most of the time, but he is suffering and I have no idea what to do to help.

I hope that your move and new job go well. It would be nice for something to go right in the middle of all the wrong.

I think of you all the time and I hope that you are doing ok. Take care of yourself and drop a line when you can. It was good to hear from you.

Love,
Cindy

Hi Cindy,
This is a tough time but tons of families, young families, have gotten through it. So can your family. I do think that you need to find a way to take control of your house and of your life. I had four children living at home, 17, 12, 11 and 9 when I was going through treatment along with two grandaughters, ages 4 & 5 that were used to spending half their time at Nana and Grampies. So I know what it's like to have kids and all that entails AND be dealing with cancer. In my opinion, the key to it is to not allow anyone to become a victim of it all. It sucks to have to deal with it BUT it still has to be dealt with. Take the scout incident, I feel just like Gary, I would be on that guys doorstep telling him what he could do with his stupid badge. Then I would call someone above him and tell them what is going on. Get rid of some of the dogs, even if it's only temporary. That is something you can explain to the kids so they don't think their pets have dissapeared.
What type of support do you have? Your post sound like you have none that is truly a help. Maybe I'm misreading.
My husband told me that it was easier for him to deal with it all if he kept focused on what needed to be done at the moment, what could be done to keep it as normal as possible for the kids. He said that if he let himself fall into the trap of feeling sorry for himself that it would have been his downfall. He said he allowed himself to feel sorry for me and for our kids and looked at himself as the person that could make us feel better. I'm not saying his way is perfect, he didn't talk enough about his feelings and when treatment was over, he was convinced of a cure and wanted us all to forget cancer was ever a part of our life. You need to find somewhere in the middle that will allow you to not be overwhelmed with the way you feel and allow you to manage your house,kids and also help your husband deal with his treatment.
Please let his doctor know that he has mentioned suicide.
I hope it gets easier for your family.
Minnie